To cheer us up.....

Dr.Shoe_2

My friend Arthur recently retired and now plays golf twice a week. One Thursday he was relaxing in the clubhouse after a round when he struck up a conversation with a young fellow who turned out to be a new member. They parted with an agreement to play a round the following Thursday at 10.00 sharp "...but I might be ten minutes late," said the youngster.

Exactly 7 days later at 10am precisely, they were teeing off at the first hole. Arthur, playing on a good handicap, went around on 14 over par at 90 strokes and the young man went round in 60! Arthur was always keen to raise his game by playing superior golfers so they agreed to a return match, "...but I might be ten minutes late," said the young man.

The following Thursday at 10.00 sharp they were teeing off again but the young man was now playing left handed but went round in 61 shots and was cursing himself for dropping one.

Arthur was amazed, "How do you do it? You play right handed and thrash me hands down and today you paly left handed and still I can't beat you!"
"It's a luck thing," the Youngster replied, "I always get up before my wife and if she's laying on her right, I play right handed and if shes on her left I play left handed."
"What happens if she's flat on her back?" Athur asked.
The young man scratched his nose and said...



..."On those days I'm ten minutes late!"

achtunglady

Two old ladies sitting outside their care home smoking a cigarette each. It starts to rain when Martha gets a condom out of her pocket, cuts the end off and slips it over the cigarette and carries on smoking. Joan has to throw her half smoked cigarette away as its gone soggy from the rain.

"Whats that Martha and where do you get them" asked Joan.
"Well Joan, they are called condoms and you can get them from any chemist, they are so handy, i can carry on smoking in the rain and it keeps the cigarette dry till its finished".

The next day, Joan on her daily walk, passed a chemist store and decided to go in and get some condoms.
A young man was at the counter.

"Young man can i have some condoms please" she asked.

Now this young man was wondering in his mind what this little old lady could be wanting with condoms at her age, but then thought, hey its money in the till.

"What size packet do you want" he asked her. She realised she didn't ask Martha what size she needed to get.

"Size?? Any size as long as it fits a camel" she replied.
:rotfl:

Hello

Not so much a joke but I once got on a bus and said '20 B&H please'... Never been a morning person!

Working in a call centre, one colleague sat at their computer and tried to put a seat belt on... They weren't a morning person either!

curlyfairy

A young couple decide they need to stop spending so much money so the wife says "you are spending £20 a week on beer,it has to stop" so the husband agrees.He replies "well you are spending £28 a week on make up,so you can stop that "She replies "the make up is to make me look beautifull", "thats what the beer was for"He says.

Curlyfairy.

Hello

A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?" "I'd love to be ten again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park. The Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!

Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure. Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

Hello

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. God asked Adam what was wrong.

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, so God decided he would give him a companion and it would be a woman.

God told Adam that the woman would cook for him, wash his clothes, and always agree with every decision he made. She would bear his children and never ask him to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She would not nag him and would always be the first to admit she was wrong during a disagreement. She would never have a headache, and would freely give him love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam asked God what a woman like this would cost him.

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam replied, "what can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history.......

LittleL_4

A really ugly woman walks into a shop with 2 kids. Shopkeeper says, " are they twins?" She says no. One's 7 and one's 9. "Why dye think they look alike?" He says "not really.......I just can't believe you got shag*ed twice"

Little L
x

A bit rude............sorry!

LittleL_4

This isn't a joke but actually happened to me...

I was having my car MOT'd last year and went into the office in the car garage and met with a mechanic who took all my details etc... Anyway, once we'd finished our conversation he stuck out his hand and I shook it. Then he said " i'll shake your hand if you want but it's your keys i want"

I was sooooo embarrassed

My family to this day still bring it up and have a right good chuckle :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Little L
x