How do you cope with Family issues when planning?

Lexxi

hurricanewyn wrote: »

Why don't you send them an evening invite, and then put in a little note with it, just saying they're more than welcome to come along for the ceremony. That way they'll know the score and can decide themselves if they want to come to the ceremony or not and you don't have to worry about the stress of trying to find the money to feed them and you've done what MIL wants.

I'm going to do something like that, there are a lot of people that wanted to come to the wedding that I can't invite to the day due to numbers so I was going to let people know they are welcome to come to the ceremony.

mellymeep

Thanks for the words of wisdom ladies, it's so hard to find the courage to stick up for myself cos like I said I really don't want to break the already rocky relationship.

MinniMe_2

mellymeep I feel for you hun. I am in exactly the same position, i am afraid to rock the boat of an already rocky relationship. Hurts doesn't it.

MinniMe_2

Mayflower10cat wrote: »

you should be having so much innocent pleasure plotting, dreaming and planning your perfect wedding. I wonder if your fiance perhaps, could intervene a little in negotiations and take some of the pressure off? I was also wondering if for your Irish relatives who may not be able to come over for the ceremony on the day, maybe think about having a blessing service done after the event back at your parents local church, if they're churchgoers????? QUOTE]

Thank you Mayflower - your words were lovely.

I think that is what hurts the most. I want to be plodding along enjoying looking at different options etc as you say dreaming, and I feel like I am being stopped.

I spoke to OH about it again last night (much more calmly and actually with out the tears thanks to talking it over with you guys!) and he has asked me not to phone this evening like I was planning because he wants to be there with me when we talk to mum and dad about it so he can support me and hopefully stop it turning into an out and out war!

mellymeep

MinniMe wrote: »

mellymeep I feel for you hun. I am in exactly the same position, i am afraid to rock the boat of an already rocky relationship. Hurts doesn't it.

I spoke to OH about it last night and he's agreed to try and speak to his mum for me, he's not got the best relationship with her either so it'll be tricky for him as well! he was very much under the thumb as a child and that's part of the reason why she doesn't like me because he's apparently gone off the rails since meeting me, when he's really just an adult now who can make his own decisions and not have to listen to her nagging!

We can do this MinniMe!! we'll mediate the situation and not be pushovers

MinniMe_2

Hi all - just wanted to give you an update - and hope for those going through similar.

Seen my parents last night and we had a lovely evening. I spoke to mum about how I was feeling and she seems to accept it and has agreed to forgive and forget and move forward.

I thank you all for your support and hope that others going through the same can keep the faith that it will work out.

missknixon

Our familes are not involved in anything, everything is left up to us which we both like. We doing the wedding how we both want and paying for everything ourselves

Enchantica

Hi there MinniME

Just been reading through this thread and I am so glad that you had a good talk the other day and managed to get things a bit calmer. Planning your wedding should be fun, not toooo stressful. Family politics is a hard one though depending on what is expected of you from each family, if they are laid back or not and all that.

To get me and OH's wedding more relaxed (12th November 2011!) I told the parents that we are paying for it all ourselves and that it may not be the most traditional of events. Me and OH are sorta different, we are kinda like goths but not in every sense of the word. We are just different from normal folk (what's normal nowadays though!) and they actually expected us to have a crazy wedding lol. They are surprised how 'normal' it is going to be. I think that helped, them thinking the worst and then getting something not quite as bad!

What I do to make the planning process stress free is I have budgeted everything out so I know how much I need to save each month, my bridesmaids are all choosing and buying (I am giving £50 to each towards it) their dresses and accessories. Means none will be matching, all I have said is "wear blue" and they can choose what they want. That means no having to meet up to go shopping (5 bridesmaids spread around the country), no measuring and getting dresses altered etc etc. That stress is off me and I can concentrate on my own dress I already bought stuff for the invites, favours etc so that is some costs down already. Spread out the costs and that will help definitely.

Sitting down together in person with your family is a good idea, I find things are calmer then rather than by email/phone. I spoke to my parents and asked who we should definitely invite to the ceremony, just the main family members. Then there was an extra one... I said we just don't have the money for them for a meal and drinks etc. So if anyone else is to be added then someone else can pay because I can't afford it.

I posted on facebook recently saying that not everyone will be invited but that we still love them all, it's just that we can't afford to pay for a massive venue to house all our family and friends. I think some people are going to get funny about it but I just tell them I can't afford it. If they want to pay £55 for their meal and drinks then they can go ahead but I ain't paying. A few people have mentioned about getting outfits and things for the wedding, but two of them who have mentioned that aren't actually going to be invited. They don't know this yet... so will see what happens.

At the end of the day, I just tell people I can't afford a massive wedding. They seem to understand. I hate how weddings can cause so much craziness, which is just unnecessary! All I really need there is my OH, immediate family and very close friends. Anyone else who gets invited should count themselves lucky! Lol.

But yeah, when you are going to discuss weddings it may be best to do it in person as you did before. Also, it may be a good idea as someone else said, to just go ahead and book things if things get out of hand. That way nothing is up for discussion!

A wedding should be a lovely event for you and your OH, not a time for families to start arguing. It's about love, not war!!