How do you cope with Family issues when planning?

MinniMe_2

Mornin everyone.

I'm not new to MSE but pretty new to these boards. We are not long engaged but have no plans yet so I am on looking at everyones fantastic ideas!

I was just wondering how everyone copes with all the family issues when planning. We aren't even really planning yet but already we are having arguments with various members of the amily. I spent most of yesterday in tears over it all and relly got to the opint where I didn't even want to talk wedding stuff because I am so upset.

i wsa wondering how you have all managed to stay sane and enjoy planning the wedding. Any tips on how to overcome the family issues?

Thanks

Sammy85_2

Ignore them.

(Difficult at times, but its your day)

clearing_out_my_pockets

I now no longer discuss wedding issues with the MIL to be. Every booking we've made she's criticised. She doesn't like the church, the reception venue, the car, the cake, the colour scheme... She didn't even approve of my choice of bridesmaids. So now, I just don't mention the wedding to her at all!

What problems are you having?

alexlyne

Yep, don't discuss anything with them - epsecially who you're gonna invite. If you think it could cause eruptions on the day, then keep it really small (perferably in a location with limited seating).

MinniMe_2

Thank you all.
Clearing - out - my-pockets,

My mum feels as if she isn't being involved in decisions - even though we haven't made a single decision. She also had a go at me as I hadn't asked my sister to be my MOH - even though I haven't asked anyone yet to be anything!

I think my mum is annoyed that I am not travelling home (ireland) to have the wedding, even though - we haven't even decided where we are having it. All I have said is that logistically it makes sense to have it over here as this is where we both live and that OH family is a lot bigger so less people would have to travel. But again nothing has been decided. i have said I would like to fly back home and go to a wedding fayre with her but apparently it is too late I am cutting her out of the planning.

I'm just so hurt that I can't talk openly and honestly about my wedding with her.

fly_dragon_fly

oh honey i can totally get what you are saying the amount of arguements me and my mother have had , i tend to let her argue and then forget it, its the only way. xx

sal-ad_daze

When my daughter and her OH got engaged they began planing their wedding, they chose Christmas - people moaned; they chose a 'posh' venue - people moaned, she was so upset and I noticed they weren't really happy so I sat her down and I asked her straight out if it was what she wanted- it wasn't they were doing what they thought was expected of them! I asked them what it was they really wanted and it turned out they wanted to get married in Gibraltar where they have friends and where they got engaged, so I asked them why weren't they doing it? They admitted they thought it would cause problems, 'umm aren't you having problems anyway?' sooo they cancelled the 'posh' venue and are getting married this August in Gibraltar! There have still been problems, even with 2 years notice OH's family 'can't afford' to go but there came a point when he decided that he didn't want her upsetting anymore and they would do what they wanted for their wedding day. That's the point really, it is YOUR day, your parents have had their day and so have some of your other friends and relatives take their advice of course but ultimately the final decisions are yours. I determined not to interfere with my daughter's day , just offer my help and maybe a little advice because my wedding was not MY wedding it was what my Nan (who raised me) decided was 'right' and to this day there are still things I regret. Please, make it your day, if it means standing up to them then maybe it's time for you to do that. Listen to their ideas, reassure them that you've heard them and, if you want to, find a compromise but in the end it's your decision. You can get through this planning period although I won't guarantee no tears, arguments and upsets but you will get through and have the day of your dreams it will be worth it!

clearing_out_my_pockets

Do you have the kind of relationship with your mum where you can (casually) say something along these lines:

"I thought planning a wedding would be fun, but there's so many different options that it's so overwhelming. I don't know how we're going to be able to make any decisions without upsetting or offending at least someone."

If your mum is technologically savvy, maybe you could email her the odd link to something you like with "what do you think" as the subject title...

elisebutt65

Tell me about it - I got engaged in April and already the questions have started - who you going to invite, where are you having it, etc etc

I mentioned the other day to a couple of work colleagues that whatever happens it will be child free and they really laid into me!!! It's going to be in 5 years time so mine won't be kids anymore and I can't stand crying kids and children running around all over the place. It's my day and I'll invite whoever I want :P

So now I just tell anyone who's asking that we're running off to Vegas in 5 years time to get married by Elvis - that usually shuts them up!:D

MinniMe_2

fly dragon - thank you - I am so relieved to hear I am not the only one!

sal-ad - you sound like you have been a rock for your daughter. I think you have hit the nail on the head - we feel like we are being pushed into a certain type of day. My OH, bless him, is very strong and keeps saying, ignore them have what you want but I am desperatly trying to keep the peace.

clearing - out - I wish that I did have that kind of relationship with my Mum, its hard, when mum and I are good we are very good and when things are bad they are very bad - like mum and dad not talking to me for weeks bad. I have always had a difficult relationship with my parent buyt things have generally improved now that I don't live at home and have my own independant life so to speak.

I think one of the things that my mum is struggling with is that it is a very different experience as to when they were planning my sisters wedding but my sister lived at home and had very clear ideas about what she wanted. I am living in a different country and really am not clear on quiet a few things.

i just don't want to argue and be updet about it all.

welshbride

its my mothers thats the problem for me she hates my father and refuses to be anywhere near him and she doesn't get on with the rest of her family either. Ive just decided to ignore her now easiest way i just don't discuss it with her anymore. I don't really get on with my mother that much she doesn't really like doing the whole mother thing she just likes to be centre of attention and im determined she is not going to be centre of attention on my wedding day.