How do you cope with Family issues when planning?

sal-ad_daze

Take your time sweetheart, go to wedding fairs, read the forums for inspiration and talk to each other! You have your own tastes and know what you hate. Make a list! Are there any dates that are special to you that you would like to get married on (this may influence your choice of venue).What type of wedding do you want - church or civil? Do you want a big wedding or smaller, lavish or simple? Answer these first then you may find everything else falls into place, involve your Mum by keeping her in touch with your decisions and perhaps asking advice like 'clearing out my pockets' said but make it clear that the final decision is yours and your fiances.
Are you worried that if the relationship turns bad they won't come to the wedding?
Honey, if they use that as a threat then you must ignore it. In the end if they choose to miss their own daughter's wedding to make a point then they really are foolish (there's no way on this earth I would miss my daughter's wedding), I know it will hurt you terribly but you have new priorities now and you must be true to you, your OH and your new life together.
You know you have support here and you can come and unload anytime!

Phyzelda

My saying is.... you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family!!

I've had no end of problems:

My mum and I had a massive arguement because at the start all she was interested in was "why I hadn't asked my sister to be my MOH yet" - me and my sister lead very different live styles. We get on 75% of the time, but that's mainly now we don't live together. She's older than me but I'm first to be getting married, but I asked her in the end to keep the peace

Then my sister didn't offer to help with anything - planning the hen do - "Was up to me to plan, it was my party and therefore my decision" - thankfully a very kind friend stepped in and helped me with that.

My mum & sister wouldn't help me make our wedding invites. Not until the very last minute when mum offered to sew the bead on the evening ones.

My mum's attitude was "it's your day you have and do what you want" although some may find this the nicest attitude, there were times were I needed/wanted some input (afterall they've been there before - we've not planned a wedding before)

Then there's the problem with family members - the guest list - my nan was "getting it in the neck" from several family members expecting Tom Dix & Harry to be invited (distant relatives to me therefore not on my guest list - they've never been in my life so they weren't on the guest list) this caused arguements between me and my nan until my nan admitted to my mum that she was only asking to keep the peace. It got to the point that my nan started sending me cheques to pay for this person to be added and that person. So much so that I cried non-stop and wrote my nan a a4 letter and sent the cheques back ending saying "we are so upset that people are starting to put other family members feelings before ours. It is our day and I'm afraid the decisions are down to us"

Then there was the issues when the invites got sent out: I didn't invite one of my step cousins - she's turning 18 she moved out of home, wasn't nice to my uncle, therefore I choose not to invite her. Well my aunt started texting my mum asking "has we sent all the invites out" - reply yes "Was she not even being invited to the evening" reply S & M wrote their guest list, I had no input, I stand by their decisions, therefore unfortunately you'll have to contact them.
Then I had another cousin, again 18 facebook me, saying "I saw there wasn't a plus one on the invite for me, does this mean I can't bring P, I don't know if you know but he's been my bf for a while now and I was hoping to introduce him to the family" my reply we can't afford to invite everyone, especially people we've never met. It's our wedding day not a family social, sorry.
Then getting the replies back has been interesting, people dragging their feet, my nan asked them and they told her they'd emailed me, well we never gave anyone an email address, we have a website set up for daytime RSVPs but nothing else.
Some excuses for not coming have been laughable but at the end of the day:

It's your special day, you are marrying your soul mate and best friend, the above for me are minor details. My true friends and family will stand by us, and be there for us. The rest? well they just make my Christmas card list shorter :rotfl:

Cookies to all that read all of that!!! :T

MinniMe_2

sal-ad - thank you, your reply made me cry, jus to know that I have support and understanding on here from people that I have never even met makes me feel better.

Phyzelda - I feel for you hun. I have had the same argument with my mum over asking my sister to be MOH. My sister and I don't get on that well and I anted my best friend to be my MOH but apparently it has to be my sis. I was going to ask my sis to be part of my wedding party but hadn't actually asked anyone yet and mum made me feel so small for it not having been my first question. She actually yelled and swore at me across the table about it. Felt bad for my sis as she was there too.

I tried to speak to my mum about it all last night, I phoned wnating to chat about it and try and clear the air but she didn't want to talk and couldn't get off the phone quick enough. I am seeing them later on in the week and am really worried about how the evening will go, I expect it will end up in a shouting match. I just want her to be excited and help but hey ho.

i really do appreciate the support on here, it is helping me get everything clear in my head and its good to know others have had the same experience - makes me feel less alone.

Mayflower10cat

My sister's MIL has a reputation within the family for her opinions on everything and her desire to take control of every situation.... When her daughter got married four years ago (another control freak in the making!) oh the fights, tears, door slammings, it was awful. Earlier this year her youngest son got engaged to a very nice woman, smiles all round as she was so 'suitable' (!!). Oh, MIL was so delighted she was already planning their wedding and had rung up local venues for quotes and making enormous lists of who was coming and where they were sitting......

A few weeks ago - consternation broke out. An email sent to the whole family by son & fiancee announced they were being wed that weekend at a SECRET LOCATION and it would be just the two of them.

Well! The sad thing is, MIL still can't understand that she drove them to do it. Son apparently was so horrified at the war that raged over his sister's wedding, he didn't want any part of it. And was brave enough to risk his mother's wrath probably for the rest of his life!!

MinniMe_2

mayflower - how awful! he was indeed brave but i'm sure he enjoyed his day so much more.

I guess I am just so worried about the arguments, before if mum and i have had a bad argument it has led to mum and dad not talking to me for weeks. i just don't think I could cope with that in regards to the wedding!

Sorry to off load on you all

Phyzelda

Minnime - Why don't you write it in a letter?

When my nan sent me the cheques it was the final score with me. I was too upset to speak to her, and really wanted to get my point across without getting tongue tied or missing anything out of the conversation.

After the letter my nan understood me and actually stepped back and understood, which was when she then apologied to my mum and said that she didn't realised I was getting so upset by it, and that she was almost the go between as she was getting it in the neck.

At least if you write it, you can keep a copy and it's her decision to read it or not, but at least you'll be able to say as you want without any further arguments.

nunnygirl

I am so glad that I don't have brothers or sisters! I only have two choices for bridemaids so I'm having them both.

My parents and my PIL2B are being great and we've basically got free reign over everything, but if we need anything we only need to ask.

It's your wedding at the end of the day MinniMe......if you are paying for everything then no-one else has a decision over what is going on except you and your H2B

samv

I feel for you, Im going through the same thing, everyone moans about the littlest things! If its not the time, then its the guests or food!

I have to pay my deposit for Coulsdon Manor by the end of July so I need to sit down with mum and tell her whats what really!

But some people can be really selfish and its not about them, its about you. As my friends have told me, its your day, do what you want!

xx

spongebabs

MinnieMe, from what I understand your parents live in Ireland and you're in another country, yes? That's the position I'm in, and although my parents are fine with us getting married in the UK there was various 'sniffing' amoung the aunties that I wasn't coming home to get married, so I'm having my hen do over there at the weekend, so they feel a bit more involved! Would that work?

Kazz81

MinniMe wrote: »

Thank you all.
Clearing - out - my-pockets,

My mum feels as if she isn't being involved in decisions - even though we haven't made a single decision. She also had a go at me as I hadn't asked my sister to be my MOH - even though I haven't asked anyone yet to be anything!

I think my mum is annoyed that I am not travelling home (ireland) to have the wedding, even though - we haven't even decided where we are having it. All I have said is that logistically it makes sense to have it over here as this is where we both live and that OH family is a lot bigger so less people would have to travel. But again nothing has been decided. i have said I would like to fly back home and go to a wedding fayre with her but apparently it is too late I am cutting her out of the planning.

I'm just so hurt that I can't talk openly and honestly about my wedding with her.

Could have written this bit myself a few months ago!!! My dad told me that not getting married at home (Dublin) was like deliberately excluding my mother from the arrangements-eh how?! It seemed that no matter what I said to her, she was peeved about some aspect of the wedding, didnt like the colours (purple-match my engagement ring), didnt like my venues (she hadnt seen them, just didnt like the sound of them) and the list goes on!! We actually decided to get married in Spain in the end so are busy planning that now.

I would say dont worry too much, seriously, like a magic switch the situation with my mum sorted itself out and I have no idea how. Just remember it is your wedding, and as long as you and OH are doing it the way you want, and you are both happy, thats the most important thing. Anything else is 'thanks for your opinion/idea' and say no more about it!