How do you cope with Family issues when planning?

mimosaurus

you're certainly not alone. we're doing lots of things in a very un-traditional way, and because we knew that there were certain people who would have a problem with that, we planned all the dates, venues etc in secret before telling anyone what was happening. Then when we got "you know, you really should get married in a church" it was a case of - sorry but it's all booked and that's that.

we're paying for everything ourselves which does make it easier to exclude people - if i want to wear a green dress, have origami paper flowers instead of real ones, get married in a restaurant and have the evening do in a pub, wear wooden jewellery and have dr seuss read out at my wedding then i jolly well will do... and I am!

People will sniff at it on the day, but I don't give a stuff.

Hope it all works out for you!

kr15snw

We had so many problems. My mum wanted my brothers, girlfriends kids to be bridesmaids. Don't get me wrong I love them to pieces but we never see them, and I already had 4 bridesmaids! Then she wanted my brothers as ushers, sorry but my OH doesn't get on with my brothers so why would I pay for them to wear a suit? Especially when one brother will do everything to make the day about him!

Then it was the guest list, why arn't I inviting x, y and z. Uhh because we can't afford to pay for 100 people? Then it was why are we having friends to the day as surely it's just about family? What?!

It got so much we nearly split up. Then we realised it was the wedding that was causing the problems and so we decided to cancel it all and do it in Australia with just US.

It did not go down too well but ho hum, we're very happy!!

bubbles0169

mimosaurus that sounds like fun!

minnime unfortunately ive found there is such a thing as wedding politics and i hate politics!
ive got something to help me and i think you should just jump on one too....

in the calm decide what you want, take your time, enjoy every moment, in the rough hop on and ride them waves out!

mellymeep

I'm stressing MASSIVELY right now, MIL has decided that all the cousins need to come to the ceremony, and then they can go off somewhere to have a meal themselves while we're at the hotel having ours.... how can I let them do that??? now I'm going to have to fit in an extra 8 people in a room with pretty limited space. I desperately want to say no, I'm not having any of my cousins so now they're going to be jealous... what the hell do I do?? I was close to tears the other day when I priced up what the extra 8 meals were going to cost us, we're already on an extremely tight budget.

*Louise*

mellymeep wrote: »

I'm stressing MASSIVELY right now, MIL has decided that all the cousins need to come to the ceremony, and then they can go off somewhere to have a meal themselves while we're at the hotel having ours.... how can I let them do that??? now I'm going to have to fit in an extra 8 people in a room with pretty limited space. I desperately want to say no, I'm not having any of my cousins so now they're going to be jealous... what the hell do I do?? I was close to tears the other day when I priced up what the extra 8 meals were going to cost us, we're already on an extremely tight budget.

Get your fiance to speak to her instead

You have good reasons: Lack of space, can't invite those cousins and not your own, rude to send them off somewhere, also expense - just state you can't affford it.

Don't let yourself be pushed, you will just resent it.

It never ceases to amaze me how mothers/MIL's can put so much pressure on their children

Lexxi

Can't you tell MIL that Melly? Or say well if you want them there you pay for them? Or say that the venue won't accomadate that many people?

mellymeep

She knows fitting them in at the hotel will be a massive push that whys she's told them to go off for a meal elsewhere but I'm going to feel like a complete miser if they have to do that, they'll fit at the actual ceremony and that's why she's adamant they are coming.

I just feel like I have to go along with it because me and OH know for a fact that she doesn't approve, when we first announced we were engaged the first thing she said was "aren't you a bit young?" no congratulations or anything, and I don't want to complicate our already strained relationship... I'm terrified of disagreeing with her and it makes me so sad because she's going to be my family in a months time!

hurricanewyn

MinniMe wrote: »

I think my mum is annoyed that I am not travelling home (ireland) to have the wedding, even though - we haven't even decided where we are having it.

Hiya
Another Irish Bride here - I'm getting married here rather than back home - mostly for financial reasons. It's so expensive in Dublin!! Luckily my mam understands this, as disappointed as she is that we won't be going back - although I think she's just relieved after we've been "living under the brush" for so long :rotfl:
I tend to email all my stuff to my mam - I sent her the webpages for the different venues we've looked at, screenshots of dresses, little links with pictures of decorating ideas.

I prefer it this way to be honest - it's much easier to do what I feel like and what I want from miles away than it would be if we lived closer to each other.
My aunts and uncles are coming over for the weekend when we're getting married and so are some of the neighbours too. With cheap flights and accommodation here they're not spending that much more than they would've had we had in Dublin, especially the aunties who now live on the West Coast. Maybe sell it to your mam as a great way to have a family weekend away?

hurricanewyn

mellymeep wrote: »

MIL has decided that all the cousins need to come to the ceremony, and then they can go off somewhere to have a meal themselves while we're at the hotel having ours

Why don't you send them an evening invite, and then put in a little note with it, just saying they're more than welcome to come along for the ceremony. That way they'll know the score and can decide themselves if they want to come to the ceremony or not and you don't have to worry about the stress of trying to find the money to feed them and you've done what MIL wants.
I think doing it informally like that, means everyone knows where they stand but the cousins won't feel obliged to go (they probably won't want to go to a ceremony hang around for a few hours all dressed up waiting for the party to start and would almost certainly be mortified if they found out they were the cause of so much stress/worry).
If it's any consolation a couple of work people have asked can they come to the ceremony (they both have little girls who love weddings/brides) without going for the meal and will come back for the evening do.

Lexxi

mellymeep wrote: »

"aren't you a bit young?" no congratulations or anything,

All I had was 'have you set the date yet' luckily I'm so bad at keeping in touch with people most of it was planned!

I think if you're a pushover now then MIL will expect you to be forever, what if you have children or move or decorate, she may want to have a final say on those too. Just my opinion, she may be happy and settle back if she gets to do this but it is unlikely. I'm not sure how you deal with it, my MIL just seems to be happy that he son is settling down :rotfl: