How do you cope with Family issues when planning?

*Louise*

MinniMe wrote: »

My mum feels as if she isn't being involved in decisions - even though we haven't made a single decision. She also had a go at me as I hadn't asked my sister to be my MOH - even though I haven't asked anyone yet to be anything!

Ahhh Mums eh?

Mine tried that with the MOH thing as well - you have no option but to be firm. I stated I wasn't having a traditional wedding party so no MOH. Mum = no happy. She soon came round though, especially when my sister phoned my up and said 'thank god you're not putting me in a puffy dress - I would have killed you!':rotfl:

She questioned a few other things as well, but again, I stated it was how WE wanted things, and I didn't give a monkey's about tradition. In the end it did have a lot of tradition, but a heck of a lot simpler. Once she realised that if she discussed things with me, instead of getting moody and dictating 'it SHOULD be done this way' we got on a lot better and actually enjoyed working on things together after that.

Maybe you should try saying to your mum that you want her help, (point out you havent done anything yet anyway!) but you would rather she treat you like an adult and dicuss things....that way you can have a chance to give a reason for the way you are doing things.

MinniMe_2

spongebabs - you have it in one! I might well have my hen do at home, we would need to decide on when we are gonna get married first though hee hee

Kazz81 - are you sure we dont have the same dad! Mine has said pretty much the same thing. Apparently because we haven't decided anything it is my fault my mum isn't involved - my response was that there is currently nothing to be involved with! I really appreciate you telling me it worked out with your mum - I am just so upset with the whole situtaion - and probably I'm being a bit selfish wanting it to be a big ceebration at the minute but i can't help it. I'm just so excited and think everyone should be the same!

Louise- I wish I could be firm but I think my mum wold stop talking to me if I said I wasn't having my sister as MOH and to be honest I think my sister expects it as well. I think I am going to leave her today and then try calling her again tomorrow to have a chat and try and understand why she is feeling this way.

i am just so glad that I am not the only one who has been through this. i spent most of yesterday asking OH what I had done for things to end up like this. Mayb it isn't me.

sal-ad_daze

You know, sometimes people just want a title!
The friend that you really want to help you, is she married? If not then she is your Chief Bridesmaid - note the word 'chief', very important- your sister is married so she can't be a 'maid' hence 'matron' of honor - see where I'm headed here? Your 'Chief' bridesmaid will be there to support and help you throughout, your 'moh' has an honorary place because she's your sister no need to be involved except to show up on the day.
You need a degree in tact and diplomacy to be a bride, try not to get upset and I guarantee you'll find a way around things! xx

Kazz81

MinniMe wrote: »

Kazz81 - are you sure we dont have the same dad!

I hope not lol otherwise he has some explaining to do!

He just couldnt accept that coming home to get married wasnt what I wanted really, even though I did contemplate it. OH is from the UK and would have our wedding wherever I want it to be, and Spain is the only place he got excited about so Spain it is!
It will work out eventually-BUT you will just get over this headache and probably find another one!!

I_am_mad

Hello, I couldnt read and run as I do have lots of family problems with my weddin also.

I have the dilemma of do I invite my dad who no one speaks to and if I invite him then some of my other relatives wont come but then that leaves me thinking he is my dad, I have no idea what to do. To cut a long story short he is now going out with someone younger than me and I am 23. I just have no idea what to do.

I have also got to think about OH family as they dont have much money and everything I have suggested they always bring money into it, how much is it costing you, where do you get the money from etc and I wont be able to afford to stay in a hotel blah blah blah.

I know it is my day and its the same for you hunny. I know it is hard at the start but I hope it gets easier for the both of us.

Let us know how you get on.

Kazz81

I_am_mad wrote: »

I have the dilemma of do I invite my dad who no one speaks to and if I invite him then some of my other relatives wont come but then that leaves me thinking he is my dad, I have no idea what to do.

You do what makes you happiest, if you WANT him there invite him, and the other relatives will decide themselves if your day is important enough to them to put their feelings towards your dad aside, or not. It will show for sure the people who really care, because if its you they care about they will be there regardless of who else is or isnt there.

MinniMe_2

Sal-ad - I think you may be right and If I'm honest I don't even understand what they all are!! ops. I think part of it too is unlike others I haven't got a clue what I want and my family expect that now that we are engaged I should be booking and sorting but I need to figure out what I want first.

Thanks I am mad - I hope it gets easier for all of us too.

i really do thank you all, I was obsesing over this all day yesterday, still am a bit to be honest but at least I feel like I am starting to get some kind of perspective on it all.

*Louise*

Kazz81 wrote: »

You do what makes you happiest, if you WANT him there invite him, and the other relatives will decide themselves if your day is important enough to them to put their feelings towards your dad aside, or not. It will show for sure the people who really care, because if its you they care about they will be there regardless of who else is or isnt there.

I totally agree with this. Dads rank higher up the invite list than the majority of the other guests. If others wont come because he is there - tough.

Lexxi

Could you not just say you're having a really long engagement then they'll leave you alone if only for a bit?

5 years ago my sis fell out with an aunty and uncle, they now all refuse to talk to each other or make a point of trying to be polite whilst the other one ignores them, it is really pathetic to behold, these are all classed as pretty immediate relatives and will be expected to be invited. My sis has already told me she is busy that day so can't make it and I've not spoken to the others, the way they have behaved is terrible, at another uncles funeral they were all glaring at each other and giving each other 'looks' it's awful - I don't want my wedding like that, I've found a beautiful place within budget, I don't want to be on edge waiting for digs or behaviour that I now come to expect from them. I know what I want to do but not sure if it'll end up that way.

Good luck OP, your mum is probably panicking as you're so far away and she'll have been thinking about her little girl getting married for so long, I'm sure she'll come round, could you maybe give her jobs to do, once your planning gets underway, things like, I'm thinking of such a scheme, or can you find this type of cake or this sized venue. My mum has had a great time sending me links and getting excited when she has ideas xx

Mayflower10cat

MinniMe wrote: »

mayflower - how awful! he was indeed brave but i'm sure he enjoyed his day so much more.

Oh yes!!!! And the photos were lovely, just the two of them looking adoringly at each other, up in Scotland. His parents live in Cornwall, so couldn't have been further away!!! (Gosh, was I glad to be on the sidelines and not remotely involved with all the angst! My sister was ever so tactful to MIL and did make the point that they'd saved a great deal of money which they were investing in a new joint business venture. They're both entrepreneurs and have each started their own companies from scratch.)

I guess I am just so worried about the arguments, before if mum and i have had a bad argument it has led to mum and dad not talking to me for weeks. i just don't think I could cope with that in regards to the wedding!

Sorry to off load on you all

I'm so sorry that there's already so much friction and tension for you when you should be having so much innocent pleasure plotting, dreaming and planning your perfect wedding. I wonder if your fiance perhaps, could intervene a little in negotiations and take some of the pressure off? I was also wondering if for your Irish relatives who may not be able to come over for the ceremony on the day, maybe think about having a blessing service done after the event back at your parents local church, if they're churchgoers?????

I remember there were lots of things I compromised a little on, in the interests of harmony - but we paid for a large chunk of the reception so we did feel as if we had the final say-so.

Chin up and keep smiling! Every bride deserves a lovely day and I'm sure yours will turn out better than you're fearing.

Don't forget to breathe....!!!!