What can I do to improve my relationship with my father?

gabyjane

Op i sympathise..parts of that i could have written. I feel for you and really don't know what to suggest as it is complicated. It sounds like you have done nothing wrong and he is not going to come round..sorry to have to say that..maybe it's that time to cut your ties with him.

I have similar issues with my dad, lots of stuff from when i was younger that i think he forgets makes me wonder why he doesn't respect me a bit and realise I am not the awful person he sees me as but he doesn't. At the end of the day he has had enough of me and that's that. His final day and chance to show me he cared was my wedding which he declined..never again will he get that and i think it is a great shame..it was the last time i cried over him tbh and just have to realise he is not interested.

Well done with your scholarship by the way, you sound like you will be just fine.x

DVardysShadow

mrcow wrote: »

Well I think you need to sack your therapist. What a crock of rubbish they've told you.

Don't throw out the baby with the bath water !!! - eg

In recovering from the depression, I have unearthed all the old feelings about him. I always felt unlovable and my therapist thinks this came from my dad and thinks this is why I have always gone for men who hurt me or aren't really interested in me.

Now that is an analysis to take notice of - although mrcow, I do agree with you that

Apparently part of getting better is to try and heal the relationship with my dad.

is a lost cause and therefore a crock of rubbish.

miss_independent, a lot of our sense of person derives from our relationship with our parents and I think at some level, you know that is missing for you.

But the truth of the matter is that your father has cheated on you as much as he has cheated on your mother - in that he was spending his time with your half brother. He is the emotional cripple, not you. But if you try and join a 3 legged race with him, you are going to learn how to move like a cripple. He has nothing to give you anymore.

I would suggest you forget about repairing anything with your father. Don't reject him, ignore him or anything like that. Just have no expectations of him and keep things general.

Enjoy your studies, make friends, male and female, but I would suggest you avoid getting to closely involved with any one man for a few years. Up to now, you have been looking for your father to find yourself which is natural - but because that has not worked you are beginning to find that you are looking for men like your father in order to find yourself.

Just find yourself - find what makes you happy - be happy in yourself. When you reach that point, I think you will be looking for a different kind of guy. Of course, I am full of advice, but missing the one key bit, which is how to find yourself. I can't tell you, it is for you to find out.

miss_independent

mountainofdebt wrote: »

OP

I may have you mixed up with someone else (so apologies if I have) but didn't you post a few months back asking what would happen if your dad died and hadn't made a will?

tbh you can't make someone - whoever that person is -demonstrate their love for you and I know it hurts ....have got that particular t-shirt and I think you are hurting all the more becuase of the affection your father is showing your half brother.

It also sounds as if your mum, in order to shield herself from the obvious, has emotionally switched off and is thus isolating you as well.

I did start that post but it was on behalf of my cousin.

gabyjane

Gabyjane, I'm not with anyone at the moment but I must admit I think about getting married and my father's involvement and it does make me sad. I may feel awful saying this because when I do get married (if anyone will have me that is lol) if my Dad had died i would think what a terrible thing I thought but to be honest, I sometimes think I'd rather walk down the aisle alone because I've always had to take care of myself and I think it would be symbolic. I know I would only marry a good man who would love me and be an amazing Dad so when I walked back up the aisle it would be like me saying "I have someone now to support me and who loves me. I'm not alone anymore. I have someone by my side." I know that sounds so silly and childish. I appreciate you sharing that you have a similar story but knowing what it is like - I'm sorry you had to go through it too. I hope you have managed to find happiness.

Thanks. I have luckily met a wonderful man who knows the inns and outs of the past with my dad and tbh i think he is the only thing at times that has stopped me from going mad and actually telling my dad some home truths!..the fact is now it is irrelevant, nothing will change the way he is with me so i have stopped the thinking about him and trying with him and it is far easier. What you say about getting married is not silly or childish you sound a lot like me in ways in looking after yourself and tbh you will be fine once you have come to terms with the fact things may not change.
I wish you the best and hope things go the way you hope for..x

miss_independent

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Don't throw out the baby with the bath water !!! - eg

Now that is an analysis to take notice of - although mrcow, I do agree with you that

is a lost cause and therefore a crock of rubbish.

miss_independent, a lot of our sense of person derives from our relationship with our parents and I think at some level, you know that is missing for you.

But the truth of the matter is that your father has cheated on you as much as he has cheated on your mother - in that he was spending his time with your half brother. He is the emotional cripple, not you. But if you try and join a 3 legged race with him, you are going to learn how to move like a cripple. He has nothing to give you anymore.

I would suggest you forget about repairing anything with your father. Don't reject him, ignore him or anything like that. Just have no expectations of him and keep things general.

Enjoy your studies, make friends, male and female, but I would suggest you avoid getting to closely involved with any one man for a few years. Up to now, you have been looking for your father to find yourself which is natural - but because that has not worked you are beginning to find that you are looking for men like your father in order to find yourself.

Just find yourself - find what makes you happy - be happy in yourself. When you reach that point, I think you will be looking for a different kind of guy. Of course, I am full of advice, but missing the one key bit, which is how to find yourself. I can't tell you, it is for you to find out.

Wow, this is probably the best post I've ever read. It just sums out how I've always felt, like something was missing. I do feel like my dad has cheated on me, not just with his son but also with other people my age ( friends of his kids) who he has nothing but praise for and can talk and laugh with. It feels like he just never like me that much, like I was boring and didn't interest him.

mountainofdebt

Miss_indepenant

I agree with your cousin ....there's nothing wrong with you not wanting to know your half brother - tbh I think its only natural given the way that your father has acted differently with him to you - but you never know, there may come a time when you do what to know but I think that will be when YOU are ready for that relationship and not when people expect you to be.

miss_independent

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Miss_indepenant

I agree with your cousin ....there's nothing wrong with you not wanting to know your half brother - tbh I think its only natural given the way that your father has acted differently with him to you - but you never know, there may come a time when you do what to know but I think that will be when YOU are ready for that relationship and not when people expect you to be.

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DVardysShadow

miss_independent wrote: »

.... It just sums out how I've always felt, like something was missing. I do feel like my dad has cheated on me, not just with his son but also with other people my age ( friends of his kids) who he has nothing but praise for and can talk and laugh with. It feels like he just never like me that much, like I was boring and didn't interest him.

I know you will all think I'm mad but as the PP has suggested, I don't think I can cut him out of my life but I can let go of the expectations - this seems do-able. I will just stop expecting him to be the dad I have always wanted/needed.

If letting go of the expectations is doable, then I think you are coming out of this OK.

Now as for how he feels about you, put yourself in his shoes. For whatever reason, he married your mother, but this did not represent him being true to himself.

An aside: What is/was his relationship like with his mother? [All very Freudian, but let's not go there.] Were there issues? And is your mother a bit like his? I'm guessing totally, but I suspect that he probably married your mother out of trying to resolve his issues over his mother. Then he found himself and went after a woman more true to himself. It is probably a pattern. I have seen it, but I don't know whether it is academically acknowledged - people hve issues with the opposite gender parent. They marry, deal with their issues and find themselves. Then they have outgrown their partner and have to find someone else.

Returning from the aside: Now how do you think your father might be feeling - if what I said above applies? Probably, he feels with your mother that he has not been true to himself. Possibly he even resents you [sorry if the thought is more of a shock than you want!!!] - I am guessing you are an only child. The resentment would be that he has had to stay in what for him is the wrong relationship to do what is right by you - so he may not be all bad.

Now think about how this plays out for you. If my aside is right, then the pattern of a relationship with a parent not working out and causing issues for the child has replicated for 2 generations.

But you are aware - and even if you don't accept some or all of what I say, you are dealing with your issues. You have come here and you are getting many different views on it. So, it needn't and won't continue for another generation with you.

Can you accept your relationship with your father for what it is? It is a sad thing, it should have been much better, but it is sadder for him than it is for you, because it doesn't limit you half so much as it limits him. If you can grow to this acceptance of the way things are, it will leave lots of room for you to discover yourself in a way which is not prescribed by your father.

Savvy_Sue

My family is not as dysfunctional as yours, but I had a huge row with my mum just after I got engaged, and as I was meant to be staying there for a few days and wasn't prepared to I had to ask my b/f if I could go to his family for that time (our families lived quite close at the time). I was dreading what HIS mother would say when she found I was an unexpected guest, because I knew that MY mother's reaction to such a situation would have been "What has she done to upset her mother?" And our families knew each other, and we had never appeared to be dysfunctional in public, so it was all a bit fraught.

Anyway, MIL was stupendous, her first words to me were "I'm so sorry your mother is behaving like this, whatever can she be thinking of?"

So don't worry about how boyfriends (or their families) with different family dynamics will react to your family situation. It's really no big deal: families come in all shapes and sizes, and we don't all get on with our parents! You can't change him, sadly, it's his loss if you stop trying to build a relationship with him.

miss_independent

DVardysShadow wrote: »

If letting go of the expectations is doable, then I think you are coming out of this OK.

Now as for how he feels about you, put yourself in his shoes. For whatever reason, he married your mother, but this did not represent him being true to himself.

An aside: What is/was his relationship like with his mother? [All very Freudian, but let's not go there.] Were there issues? And is your mother a bit like his? I'm guessing totally, but I suspect that he probably married your mother out of trying to resolve his issues over his mother. Then he found himself and went after a woman more true to himself. It is probably a pattern. I have seen it, but I don't know whether it is academically acknowledged - people hve issues with the opposite gender parent. They marry, deal with their issues and find themselves. Then they have outgrown their partner and have to find someone else.


Can you accept your relationship with your father for what it is? It is a sad thing, it should have been much better, but it is sadder for him than it is for you, because it doesn't limit you half so much as it limits him. If you can grow to this acceptance of the way things are, it will leave lots of room for you to discover yourself in a way which is not prescribed by your father.

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