What can I do to improve my relationship with my father?

miss_independent

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Bufger

wow he sounds like a class A gentleman.

Sometimes family can hurt more than anything else. Its obvious your father has little or no respect for his own family otherwise he wouldnt create so much turmoil. Its the hardest thing in the world but sometimes you just have to let go and create your own happy life.

You have to create happiness instead of finding it. If its not possible to create it in your current situation then you need to change it.

mrcow

Well I think you need to sack your therapist. What a crock of rubbish they've told you.

Look - some people are just selfish. it's all about "me me me". They don't care. You can't make them care. Why would any therapist encourage you to try and heal a relationship that's been so damaging over the past 20 odd years?

You don't need your Dad
You don't need to make up with him
You owe him nothing.

If he's honestly not interested in you, then what you really need to learn to do is let it go. There are other people around you who do actually care (believe it or not) - concentrate on them.

gonzo127

i am not sure if this would work in regards getting him to talk to you etc however i would personally send the above information to him in a letter (of course slightly modified so it is addressing him and not 'us others').

my thoughts on this is that him having it in a letter will give him time to absorb it as is shocking how easy people find it to 'turn off' their hearing when they are being told something they dont like.

and then if the above information does not give him the psychological 'slap' he sounds like he needs to actually put some effort into his relationship with his daughter then i think you do need to let him go and just concentrate on your friends and family who actually love you back

Make-it-3

I agree with MrCow, from what you have said your father has never been close to you and sounds like he only ever thinks of himself.

You have regrets he's not the father you want him to be, but you can't change that.

But why, if you want to have a conversation with your him, do you not start it? Why did you not say to him "This scholarship is a big thing for me, are you going to congratulate me?". You might not get very far - he does sound somewhat like a silent, broody type, but at least then you can then think well I made a bit of an effort.

You can't lead you life feeling guilty for the way your father acts, you said yourself you have been a model student and now have achieved a great college place. Go out there and live your life for yourself.

miss_independent

Thanks everyone,

miss_independent

Make-it-3 wrote: »

I agree with MrCow, from what you have said your father has never been close to you and sounds like he only ever thinks of himself.

You have regrets he's not the father you want him to be, but you can't change that.

But why, if you want to have a conversation with your him, do you not start it? Why did you not say to him "This scholarship is a big thing for me, are you going to congratulate me?". You might not get very far - he does sound somewhat like a silent, broody type, but at least then you can then think well I made a bit of an effort.

You can't lead you life feeling guilty for the way your father acts, you said yourself you have been a model student and now have achieved a great college place. Go out there and live your life for yourself.

That is a good idea. I'm always stuck between not wanting him to know he has hurt me and wanting him to know so I end up just not saying anything. He will see that as having a go at him but at least it is a start. Its like I say to my family when he said I sound angry when he spoke to me the other day, if he said "You sounded angry when I asked you do to that photocopying, is something wrong?" then I could have replied, "Yes, you haven't said a word to me for three weeks except to tell me I was in the way when I was making myself a cup of tea and to ask me to do something for your business. It hurts me that you only speak to me when you want something from me or to criticize me." and then perhaps we could have a conversation and sort something out from there. I just think we need to talk but at the same time I know it won't make him into a father, he'll be nice the next twice I see him then he will go back to his own ways. I'm not in a position to repay him financially yet and I still feel I owe him something.

mrcow

miss_independent wrote: »

I know the only person I can change is myself. I know he will never change. You are all right I should let go but I just wish I could feel at peace with it all. I know I can't pretend anymore though. How do you let go of your dad?

Well I guess you start by waking up one day and realise that he's not really a "Dad" for starters. He certainly doesn't sound like one. More of an aquaintance who's been a toxic influence on your life. Tell me, if he wasn't your biological father (if he was say your step father), would you even be giving him the time of day?

Guilt is a terrible emotion. It's self feeding and can eat away at everything. The problem with guilt though is that it's one sided. He certainly doesn't sound like he's feeling guilty about anything?

You need to be more forward facing. Thinking about you and how you are going to get this all together. What you want to be and what you want to do with your life. Don't let this eat at you. Haasn't it wasted enough of your brightness already?

elliebobs

First of all, massive congratulations for your scholarship; that is a massive achievement and you should be proud of yourself.

With regards to your father; my honest, unqualified, opinion is to let it go; he is never going to change and you will end up giving yourself a nervous breakdown with the constant feelings of rejection that he instills in you.

I have an ok relationship with my father now but after he left my mother I was rejected as he had a new family; after spending a lot of my early twenties feeling second best I thought stuff this and stopped trying with him. He's since re married and we do get on ok but it does hurt when I see him with his step daughter and son's and helpling them move house and all the other 'dad' things as I never had that.

But...I have great friends and a fab OH so, in the grand scheme of things, I'm sooooo much happier now and a huge weight has been lifted from me.

I know it's easier said than done but you really need to move on from trying to make him the father he is never going to be; it's sad but some people just aren't cut out to be parents and you have unfortunately lucked out with yours.

Give yourself the life you deserve and I bet you'll be a lot happier. I really do wish you the best.

Errata

It sounds like your dad has no idea how to be a dad, so hoping he'll turn into the dad you want is a fool's errand. This may not be his fault, he may never have learned how to be a dad from his dad, or perhaps he learned some very bad lessons from him.
Perhaps 'letting go' can be turned into pitying him. He clearly has a miserable life as an unfaithful, unemotional, drug addicted drunk. Seeing him as a person rather than a dad and may help you find some peace.

miss_independent

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