What can I do to improve my relationship with my father?

gonzo127

purely from a self interest point of view, to try and put your guilt to one side, could write the letter or confront him face to face one last time, so that you can feel as if you have done everything you could have

as just from what you have posted above although you accept he has never actually been a dad and that you should try and move on, it still sounds very much like you feel as if you could have done something to make him into the dad you have always wanted. and as intelligently as you might understand this i think that you still dont feel it inside.

from a totally unqualified thought and opinion etc making that one last effort could allow you to feel the anger/hurt (if he doesnt do anything about it again) you might need to begin letting him go as the dad you have always wanted and accept he has never actually been anything close to a dad let alone a good one

Make-it-3

First time I'm seen a thread where all posters are in agreement!

summerday

Huge hugs to you firstly. Secondly, congratulations on the scholarship- and hard-earned achievement I'm sure.

It's hard to know what to say, people are strange, aren't they? Sometimes our own family more so than anyone else! I agree with Errata, it does sound like he doesn't know how to be a real dad to you, doesn't understand your needs. He has clearly made some big mistakes in life, or at least been very tactless about how he made his choices, and who knows what goes on in his strange old head...

My situation is not the same as yours, though my dad also had an affair when I was a teenager, and at times in the past he has upset me by certain things he said, or not making any effort to keep in regular contact. As I have got older, and got to know my Dad better, I can truly say I know he never meant to hurt me, he never realised at the time that any action/lack of action would hurt so much. I feel I have come to understand him a little better and don't expect too much, then there will not be disappointment..if that makes sense. And we get on much better now than ever before and I am hopeful this will continue to improve. On occasions he has pleasantly surprised me and been quite supportive!

I also would second finding another, better therapist.

I hope in time you make your peace with your dad- after all he will always be your father- just realise you will never understand what he does and why, and that his way of thinking is very different from yours. Definitely live for you, hopefully at times your dad will acknowledge your achievements, even if it's not when/as often as he should.

As for guilt- I was once told it is the most useless emotion in existence! So try to let it go, we all do things me shouldn't but have to accept it and move on. We are all only human, after all.

Take care, sarah xx

miss_independent

gonzo127 wrote: »

purely from a self interest point of view, to try and put your guilt to one side, could write the letter or confront him face to face one last time, so that you can feel as if you have done everything you could have

as just from what you have posted above although you accept he has never actually been a dad and that you should try and move on, it still sounds very much like you feel as if you could have done something to make him into the dad you have always wanted. and as intelligently as you might understand this i think that you still dont feel it inside.

from a totally unqualified thought and opinion etc making that one last effort could allow you to feel the anger/hurt (if he doesnt do anything about it again) you might need to begin letting him go as the dad you have always wanted and accept he has never actually been anything close to a dad let alone a good one

I think this is spot on. I know what i have to do (let go) but I still take the blame for it and feel it is my fault in some way. I've thought that I would write a letter saying everything I ever felt but never give it to him just to get the feelings out and then burn it or throw it in the sea or something. I think I'll probably do that and make one last effort, put the ball in his court and then detach. I suppose to let go I need to know I tried everything.

tweeter

You are not guilty so just stop guilt tripping yourself. :A

heretolearn_2

Congratulations on your scholarship!

Once you start there, I take it you will no longer be working with at your father's business. Good. Don't go back, even for holiday work etc, find something else. You need that bit of distance between personal and work life and frankly it's no good for your career to be the boss's kid. You are there just because of nepotism and however good you may be, no-one will really appreciate you. I used to work at a firm where the directors' teenagers used to come for holiday work experience and then to work permanently. From two of the families, those kids were crap, no-one respected them, everyone knew they were just there because of their dads. From the other family, the lad used to do work experience, worked his socks off, we all liked him, and when we asked 'are you going to come and work here then he scoffed and said 'I'm not working for my dad. I want a proper job!'. His head was screwed on straight - even though funnily enough he was the only one we'd actually have wanted - in that he wanted his own independence and knew it would be a bad move to cling to the security blanket of the 'guaranteed' job through his family.

I think once you are away from that situation it will help you get a better perspective on what will then be just a personal and not business relationship with your father.

He may just be one of those men who thinks fatherhood is about providing in a material sense, and not in an emotional sense, although his behaviour with your half sibling seems to show that he is capable of more when he wants to be. If this is the case, then there might be hope for the future.

However, some men just don't 'bond' with daughters (are you female and your sibling male?) for dumb macho reasons. Some fathers simply don't deserve the title to be honest, sperm donors more like. If this is the case then I think you need to move on and look for happiness and rewarding relationships elsewhere. Don't waste your life trying to get love and approval from someone who isn't capable of giving it; the important thing to accept is that this is HIS problem, not yours. It's not your fault at all.

Give it one last try then give up if no improvements. I'd even tell him that this is how you are feeling right now - that you want a normal relationship with him, and it hurts you that you don't have one. If he wants to try, great, if not, you can't carry on getting hurt so will withdraw from his life for now. I'd stress that the door is always open if he has a change of heart in future.

eleanora_

miss_independent wrote: »

Thanks everyone,

I suppose I will have to just let go now but I feel like I'm doing something wrong by not making an effort with him. Him nearly dying left me with an insight into how it may be one day, the feelings of guilt were overwhelming and so I felt I had to try and make the most of a relationship whilst he was still here so that I could know I did my best. I did write him a letter once. He had taken the son from the affair to play in the park next to my school at home time and I had to walk out of school with my friends and see him playing with a child my friends didn't know about, it was like he was rubbing my nose in it. I poured my heart out in this letter, told him how much he had hurt me and how at school I tried to act normal and not let people know. He never apologised (there were 8 other parks in town!), acted as if he never read the letter and he took it to the business and left it lying on the floor for all the staff to read which really hurt. The letter thing is a great idea but I know it doesn't work with him.

I know the only person I can change is myself. I know he will never change. You are all right I should let go but I just wish I could feel at peace with it all. I know I can't pretend anymore though. How do you let go of your dad?

You have done nothing wrong. You have made every possible effort to build a relationship with someone who has given you nothing back and who has been heartless and cruel. Now it's time to cut him loose. It's been 20 years - he won't change.

You let go of a bad parent the same way you let go of anyone who's broken your heart or treated you like c**p - you cut all ties and go on your merry way - and put your energies into maintaining relationships with people who respect you, love you, and give you something back!

Good luck with whatever approach you decide to take (((hugs)))

miss_independent

The more I think about the more I realise it is actually just like getting over a break up with someone you love. I can't move on until I grieve for the relationship I've lost (or in this case I never had) but I know that you get over it in time and one day you wake up and realise it doesn't hurt as much anymore.

JoJoB

miss_independent wrote: »

The more I think about the more I realise it is actually just like getting over a break up with someone you love. I can't move on until I grieve for the relationship I've lost (or in this case I never had) but I know that you get over it in time and one day you wake up and realise it doesn't hurt as much anymore.

It will always be a source of sadness but yes, you need to grieve for the dad you never had. You ended up with a father who did you great harm emotionally, which is precisely the opposite of what a dad is supposed to do. No guilt should be attached to removing yourself from harm, you need to be your own "dad" now and parent yourself well.

mountainofdebt

OP

I may have you mixed up with someone else (so apologies if I have) but didn't you post a few months back asking what would happen if your dad died and hadn't made a will?

tbh you can't make someone - whoever that person is -demonstrate their love for you and I know it hurts ....have got that particular t-shirt and I think you are hurting all the more becuase of the affection your father is showing your half brother.

It also sounds as if your mum, in order to shield herself from the obvious, has emotionally switched off and is thus isolating you as well.