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More info needed on DD and Dad contact

24

Comments

  • samhuzz
    samhuzz Posts: 721 Forumite
    OP you sound like you're in the situation I was in about a year ago! I'd split up with my husband due to totally unreasonable behaviour, he was having the kids on and off and was living at his mum's. Next thing I knew, he'd moved away to live with some woman in a city 13 miles away and I didn't know the address either and he wouldn't give it to me. I stopped them from going and I'd do it again too. You don't know who he is living with or anything and that's not right, plus like others have said what if he didn't bring your daughter back, where would you tell the police to look?
    Everyone I know wants to be a millionaire.
    Not me, I want to be a billionaire.
  • izzybusy23
    izzybusy23 Posts: 994 Forumite
    Bonnie2009 wrote: »
    But you DO know what to do.

    You know you have the right to know where your daughter is. If she wasn't returned to you, how stupid would you look, saying you had no idea where she was?

    Go to a solicitor's office and take advantage of the free half hour service and ask for formal advice. In the meantime, tell him that unless he gives you an address (and at this point I'd be wanting evidence he lived there, such as an electricity bill, too), then he won't be able to see his child.

    You have to be the responsible parent, here. Oh, and if I were you, if the police don't already know about the incident you referred to (the revenge), I would write it down and ask a solicitor to have it for safe-keeping - and I would tell him after I'd done this. In the event of anything happening to you or your child (god forbid) then that is lodged there and can be passed to the police.

    The police already know and it will be on file.. what he done involved the police contacting me.. very spiteful nasty revenge thing that he did.. could had caused me a lot of trouble. Luckily I could prove we had been in a relationship and that I had finished with him and they said oh he omitted to tell us that part... and no further action was taken. I think I will let my solicitor know when I next see her.

    And you are correct; how irresponsible would I look if I said I didn't know where she was; jesus, never even thought of that really, I would look totally stupid and a careless mother.
  • izzybusy23
    izzybusy23 Posts: 994 Forumite
    samhuzz wrote: »
    OP you sound like you're in the situation I was in about a year ago! I'd split up with my husband due to totally unreasonable behaviour, he was having the kids on and off and was living at his mum's. Next thing I knew, he'd moved away to live with some woman in a city 13 miles away and I didn't know the address either and he wouldn't give it to me. I stopped them from going and I'd do it again too. You don't know who he is living with or anything and that's not right, plus like others have said what if he didn't bring your daughter back, where would you tell the police to look?

    Thanks Sam.. I seriously couldn't care less now if he is with this other woman or not; but that is the only reason I can think of for him withholding his address. If I wanted to stalk him I could had easily had done it by now as I could had followed him home from work; I don't understand how he can't see that its unreasonable for me asking.. he thinks I am now being unreasonable for not letting him see her before he gives me his address.

    How did you manage to settle things; did your ex give you his address in the end or did you have to go to court?
  • samhuzz
    samhuzz Posts: 721 Forumite
    izzybusy23 wrote: »
    Thanks Sam.. I seriously couldn't care less now if he is with this other woman or not; but that is the only reason I can think of for him withholding his address. If I wanted to stalk him I could had easily had done it by now as I could had followed him home from work; I don't understand how he can't see that its unreasonable for me asking.. he thinks I am now being unreasonable for not letting him see her before he gives me his address.

    How did you manage to settle things; did your ex give you his address in the end or did you have to go to court?

    He moved back round here with someone else in the end and started contacting me about having the kids again. Thing is, he's lazy, and wanted me to drop them off at his (new house) so he couldn't not tell me his address this time! In your case, I would see a solicitor about getting a residency order as your ex has the same rights as you over his daughter. This means that it is recorded that your daughter lives with you. When I saw a solicitor about my divorce, she recommended this to me, but the problem sorted itself out so I didn't need to do it in the end. Try googling residency order, I don't know a lot about it, but it seems to fit your situation I think. BTW my ex doesn't even see the kids now, he hasn't contacted them for about six weeks, I wonder if your ex will keep up contact with your DD?
    Everyone I know wants to be a millionaire.
    Not me, I want to be a billionaire.
  • pigpen
    pigpen Posts: 41,152 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    I don't think he legally has any obligation to tell you his address.. and you could move and not tell him yours.

    My former friend moved cities and took the 2 children and the solicitor said she didn't have any obligation to tell their dad where she was living so long as they had a means of contact.. be that phone or email or whatever. That works both ways. Though by moving she had made it impossible for him to collect the children for visits.. hence former friend.. I thought it was mean and uncalled for.

    I think you should speak to someone properly about the legalities here because I don't think you are within your rights to stop contact for this reason.. I know how horrible that must be and I wouldn't be happy with it either.. but you would need to provide proof he posed a risk to your daughter to stop contact.
    LB moment 10/06 Debt Free date 6/6/14
    Hope to be debt free until the day I die
    Mortgage-free Wannabee (05/08/30)
    6/6/14 £72,454.65 (5.65% int.)
    08/12/2023 £33602.00 (4.81% int.)
  • paddy's_mum
    paddy's_mum Posts: 3,977 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    You may one day need to prove beyond all doubt that you are a responsible mother and have been all along.

    With an ex capable of such futile concealment and pointless stupidity, it may come to pass that he tries the old poisoning-the-kid's-mind trick. If that ever hapened, you need the comfort and safety of being able to show your daughter (or heaven forbid, a Court) that his allegations are baseless.

    Perhaps you need to point out to him that parents who play spiteful, point scoring games are simply showing how immature and unintelligent they are.

    In your shoes, I'd be stopping contact too. Why on earth should a mother have the constant nagging fear and uncertainty over her child's wellbeing when denying the other parent such ordinary but vital information wouldn't even enter the heads of 99% of separated parents. It is for him to get things back on a more normal track, not for you to have to sweat over where she is, is she okay ..... I bet you don't even know which hospital she'd get taken to if an accident happened .. and that's not on!
  • izzybusy23
    izzybusy23 Posts: 994 Forumite
    pigpen wrote: »
    I don't think he legally has any obligation to tell you his address.. and you could move and not tell him yours.

    My former friend moved cities and took the 2 children and the solicitor said she didn't have any obligation to tell their dad where she was living so long as they had a means of contact.. be that phone or email or whatever. That works both ways. Though by moving she had made it impossible for him to collect the children for visits.. hence former friend.. I thought it was mean and uncalled for.

    I think you should speak to someone properly about the legalities here because I don't think you are within your rights to stop contact for this reason.. I know how horrible that must be and I wouldn't be happy with it either.. but you would need to provide proof he posed a risk to your daughter to stop contact.

    Yeah I know legally he doesn't have to supply me his address, but why would he want to withhold it? He knows where I live, has my land and my mobile number but is only happy to give me his mobile number, which he constantly threatens to have cut off. He was the one who left us, so I can only hazard a guess that he is trying to protect his new partner, hence the reluctance of him providing his address. I have no interest in what he does now, but due to things he has done in the past I am concerned about what other things he could do. And like people have said before, where would I even start looking if he never bought her home? He has already said he would stop any move I tried to make to be nearer friends and family, but wants the luxury of keeping his address a secret.. oh god, its all such a stress!!! I just wish things could be sorted and we could both get on with our lives to be honest.

    What do you suggest I do; trust him regardless of only having a mobile number for contact, which he threatens to get cut off everytime he doesn't like something he hears? I'm not being narky, just wondering what you would do in this situation.. as I am at cross roads as what to do for the best!
  • izzybusy23
    izzybusy23 Posts: 994 Forumite
    You may one day need to prove beyond all doubt that you are a responsible mother and have been all along.

    With an ex capable of such futile concealment and pointless stupidity, it may come to pass that he tries the old poisoning-the-kid's-mind trick. If that ever hapened, you need the comfort and safety of being able to show your daughter (or heaven forbid, a Court) that his allegations are baseless.

    Perhaps you need to point out to him that parents who play spiteful, point scoring games are simply showing how immature and unintelligent they are.

    In your shoes, I'd be stopping contact too. Why on earth should a mother have the constant nagging fear and uncertainty over her child's wellbeing when denying the other parent such ordinary but vital information wouldn't even enter the heads of 99% of separated parents. It is for him to get things back on a more normal track, not for you to have to sweat over where she is, is she okay ..... I bet you don't even know which hospital she'd get taken to if an accident happened .. and that's not on!

    Yep, that worries me too, that one day I will have to prove that I am a responsible mother and not some demented ex who has been spurned! Which is why to be honest I have pandered to his contact requests, bullied into letting DD going to his parents half term week (even though every part of my being was saying 'NO') due to him saying he will take me to court for visitation rights etc etc. She does like seeing him, which is why I am hesitant to stop contact; and I know it will only cause another tirade of text messages and threats. Do you know what, we haven't even sat down and spoke face to face since the day he left; he avoids all face to face and phone contact; everything is via text.. how can anything be sorted out like that?
  • pigpen
    pigpen Posts: 41,152 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    izzybusy23 wrote: »
    Yeah I know legally he doesn't have to supply me his address, but why would he want to withhold it? He knows where I live, has my land and my mobile number but is only happy to give me his mobile number, which he constantly threatens to have cut off. He was the one who left us, so I can only hazard a guess that he is trying to protect his new partner, hence the reluctance of him providing his address. I have no interest in what he does now, but due to things he has done in the past I am concerned about what other things he could do. And like people have said before, where would I even start looking if he never bought her home? He has already said he would stop any move I tried to make to be nearer friends and family, but wants the luxury of keeping his address a secret.. oh god, its all such a stress!!! I just wish things could be sorted and we could both get on with our lives to be honest.

    What do you suggest I do; trust him regardless of only having a mobile number for contact, which he threatens to get cut off everytime he doesn't like something he hears? I'm not being narky, just wondering what you would do in this situation.. as I am at cross roads as what to do for the best!

    You might not have any choice but to accept it.. it would kill me too.. it as that place between the rock and the hard place.

    he might want to withhold it just to pee you off.. which sounds likely given what you have said.

    He can't stop you moving anywhere.. even out of the country depending on the reasons behind it.. he could kick up a fuss and say he couldn't get to pick DD up but so long as you were taking her somewhere safe he couldn't stop you.. he is using it as another weapon to wind you up. So if this is what you want to do.. do it!!! He might just decide it is too much effort and leaves you alone then.

    I'd make sure there was a residency order in place so IF he decided not to bring her back you could get the police involved.

    If he is likely to be on the electoral roll.. I'd check there for his address.

    Does he work? You could try asking his HR person at work.. some are unprofessional enough to hand out such info.. daughter wants to send him a present/postcard from your holiday.. bit of a sob story etc..

    Follow him, or get someone else to! Ask some of his mates/family.. same scenario as above etc.. sending cards from holiday.

    I do know how you feel I truly do.. and it is so very hard to decide whether you are making the right decisions or big mistakes.. I have already got a letter from the solicitor stating KH doesn't want my children to live with him.. like I didn't already know that.. then he kicks off everything I do unless it benefits him in some way! It is insane. Though I still want the reassurance of a residency order.

    We have 'text discussions' too.. and any contact we have devolves into him slating me.. it is all good fun... not! We've just been sent for mediation.. is this something which might benefit your situation and daughter?
    LB moment 10/06 Debt Free date 6/6/14
    Hope to be debt free until the day I die
    Mortgage-free Wannabee (05/08/30)
    6/6/14 £72,454.65 (5.65% int.)
    08/12/2023 £33602.00 (4.81% int.)
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,571 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    izzybusy23 wrote: »
    Yep, that worries me too, that one day I will have to prove that I am a responsible mother and not some demented ex who has been spurned! Which is why to be honest I have pandered to his contact requests, bullied into letting DD going to his parents half term week (even though every part of my being was saying 'NO') due to him saying he will take me to court for visitation rights etc etc. She does like seeing him, which is why I am hesitant to stop contact; and I know it will only cause another tirade of text messages and threats. Do you know what, we haven't even sat down and spoke face to face since the day he left; he avoids all face to face and phone contact; everything is via text.. how can anything be sorted out like that?

    I hope you are keeping these texts and copies of them somewhere safe. They are your best defence against any action he takes against you - his own words.
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