More info needed on DD and Dad contact

izzybusy23

Hi there

I posted a a week or so back about when is the good time to introduce DD to her dad's new partners etc; then I we got on the subject of him not supplying me with his address and turning his phone off the whole week she was staying with his parents etc.

This is the first weekend from the week at his parents that he is due to see DD. I told him last week that I do want his address from now on before he takes DD out; but he is refusing point blank to give it to me saying he only needs to supply it if she stays overnight which she doesn't do. I said I would like it for unsupervised contact from now on but he isn't budging so I guess he has something to hide, like a new partner etc. God knows what he thinks I am going to do, stalk him!? If he has a new partner then she done me a favour taking him off my hands. Anyway; I can't go into too many details on here, but he done something terrible in the past when we split up, something very revengeful which I have never forgotten and it shows him as a very loose cannon. Whilst he was living with me and DD, he was vile to her, calling her names, having no time for her at all. Now since we have split, he claims to love DD more than anything and she is his world etc. This may be so and he may have realised this since we parted, however, what happened and what was said in the past doesn't go away. I simply do not trust my ex to not suddenly flip over something and do something revengeful... which is why I want to safeguard myself by having his address when he is out with DD.

What would you do if your ex was so dead against you having his address, even if you have told him it was advice given to me when he has contact with his daughter. Would you still allow contact or not? If he hadn't shown me in the past what a loose cannon he was I wouldn't be worrying, but sadly I know he has a very revengeful streak which causes me worry.

Thanks.

peachyprice

izzybusy23 wrote: »

What would you do if your ex was so dead against you having his address, even if you have told him it was advice given to me when he has contact with his daughter. Would you still allow contact or not? If he hadn't shown me in the past what a loose cannon he was I wouldn't be worrying, but sadly I know he has a very revengeful streak which causes me worry.

Thanks.

No, I wouldn't let him have contact. If he didn't bring her back on time you wouldn't have the first idea where to start looking for her. You should know where your daughter is at all times, his secrecy is unreasonable and I would be very very suspicious of his intentions.

maggied_2

No - there's no good reason for you not to have his address. It would be a total deal breaker for me. How's your relationship with his parents? Could you speak to them?

izzybusy23

peachyprice wrote: »

No, I wouldn't let him have contact. If he didn't bring her back on time you wouldn't have the first idea where to start looking for her. You should know where your daughter is at all times, his secrecy is unreasonable and I would be very very suspicious of his intentions.

Thank you.. I think its totally unreasonable too.. I am guessing he is living with the woman he left me for, but both are vehemently denying it so obviously don't want me to know his address for fear of being 'found out'. Like I give a carp. I just want to know for my peace of mind when my DD is with him.

maggied wrote: »

No - there's no good reason for you not to have his address. It would be a total deal breaker for me. How's your relationship with his parents? Could you speak to them?

Thanks.. my relationship with his parents has gone down the pan; my ex is a total fabricator of lies; he has had many past failed relationships (a child he has never seen before) but his parents are of the view that its always the woman who has done the wrong doing and their son is always the 'victim'. They have totally taken his side and pretty much cut me off.

I feel guilty in stopping contact, but my gut wrenches and knots up when he picks her up; I only have a mobile number for him (which he constantly threatens to get cut off if he doesn't like something he hears) so if he didn't get her home on time then I am totally shafted in where to start looking. How would the courts view the fact that he refuses to give me his address?

maggied_2

I would imagine that (and hopefully someone better qualified can confirm) that if you went to court you would have to state your reasons for not allowing contact - i.e. whatever the incident was in the past, and that he won't supply an address.
I wouldn't never normally advocate halting access (I'm one of the eeevil new women, you see ) but I think you need to put your foot down here.
As long as you're whiter than white here (not suggesting you're not by the way - just hoping there's nothing he could throw in your face!) then I think you should put your foot down.

If you allow access to continue for a while and then decide later to stop it a court will ask "how worried could you have been if you've let her stay with him X number of times already?".

With the mobile thing - just a wee word from 'the other side'. It's not necessary to be in contact all the time while DD is with him. It used to wind my OH up that his X would phone constantly - many times a day sometimes (although she had an entirely different agenda but that's for another time!). What I'm trying to say is you'll be better trying not to come across as a demanding, controlling ex and just as someone who is being reasonable. You want to make sure he has nothing on you that could be misinterpreted and twisted by a tough solictor. Hope that makes sense.

January20

How can he expect you to let your dd go with him and you have no way to contact them? no address to go to? He is completely unreasonable and if the incident that happened is as serious as you imply then definitely do not let him have contact with her.

izzybusy23

maggied wrote: »

I would imagine that (and hopefully someone better qualified can confirm) that if you went to court you would have to state your reasons for not allowing contact - i.e. whatever the incident was in the past, and that he won't supply an address.
I wouldn't never normally advocate halting access (I'm one of the eeevil new women, you see ) but I think you need to put your foot down here.
As long as you're whiter than white here (not suggesting you're not by the way - just hoping there's nothing he could throw in your face!) then I think you should put your foot down.

If you allow access to continue for a while and then decide later to stop it a court will ask "how worried could you have been if you've let her stay with him X number of times already?".

With the mobile thing - just a wee word from 'the other side'. It's not necessary to be in contact all the time while DD is with him. It used to wind my OH up that his X would phone constantly - many times a day sometimes (although she had an entirely different agenda but that's for another time!). What I'm trying to say is you'll be better trying not to come across as a demanding, controlling ex and just as someone who is being reasonable. You want to make sure he has nothing on you that could be misinterpreted and twisted by a tough solictor. Hope that makes sense.

Oh my ex could conjour up a whole host of things to paint me out to be the demented ex wife. Thats why I don't trust him; in the past the vile thing he done to me could had caused me untold misery and that was all on the back of my finishing our relationship due to his paranoia and he done it as pure revenge.

I don't contact the ex when he is out with DD, I just trust him that he has his phone on... he does the contacting to say they have arrived / just leaving etc.

Oh god this is such a headache.. I really don't want to stop contact, but I want his address for safety reasons which he won't give me. If I let contact go ahead and god forbid something happened, how would I ever forgive myself.. but I can't keep playing into his hands and him having everything his way, contact with DD but keeping his life a 'secrecy' whilst still knowing everything about mine.

I really don't know what to do..

izzybusy23

January20 wrote: »

How can he expect you to let your dd go with him and you have no way to contact them? no address to go to? He is completely unreasonable and if the incident that happened is as serious as you imply then definitely do not let him have contact with her.

The incident was a few years back, before I actually knew I was pregnant with DD (found out after we split up).. but people who I have told what happened look horrified and have said he is a loose cannon. It could of had a big knock on effect to what I chose to do with my life if at the time I couldn't prove that we were in a relationship and he had done it as revenge. Sorry, can't go into the whole thing, but it wasn't a nice stunt to pull on someone just because they had finished the relationship. That incident is always in the back of my mind now we have broke up again and I am fearful he will do something else just as revengeful. I just can't shake off this uneasy feeling.

maggied_2

Oh love it's a difficult one and I understand your dilemma. Can you get a letter to him (I know you don't have an address - but to his parents?) - or an email?
How far away do you live? How old is DD? How often does he see her and for how long each time?

Could you maybe draft something along the lines of:

Dear X
I am really pleased that you take an active part in DD's life and hope this is something that will now happen throughout her life.

I am however concerned at your refusal to tell me where you live and therefore do not think it is appropriate for you to take DD for (X length of time) without providing me with this very basic information.

I have no interest in visiting your address or knowing what goes on there. However for my own peace of mind I will need your address before your next visit otherwise it won't be going ahead.

I believe this request to be reasonable and therefore ask you to send it to me.

From Izzy.

Save a copy.

Bonnie2009

But you DO know what to do.

You know you have the right to know where your daughter is. If she wasn't returned to you, how stupid would you look, saying you had no idea where she was?

Go to a solicitor's office and take advantage of the free half hour service and ask for formal advice. In the meantime, tell him that unless he gives you an address (and at this point I'd be wanting evidence he lived there, such as an electricity bill, too), then he won't be able to see his child.

You have to be the responsible parent, here. Oh, and if I were you, if the police don't already know about the incident you referred to (the revenge), I would write it down and ask a solicitor to have it for safe-keeping - and I would tell him after I'd done this. In the event of anything happening to you or your child (god forbid) then that is lodged there and can be passed to the police.

izzybusy23

maggied wrote: »

Oh love it's a difficult one and I understand your dilemma. Can you get a letter to him (I know you don't have an address - but to his parents?) - or an email?
How far away do you live? How old is DD? How often does he see her and for how long each time?

Could you maybe draft something along the lines of:

Dear X
I am really pleased that you take an active part in DD's life and hope this is something that will now happen throughout her life.

I am however concerned at your refusal to tell me where you live and therefore do not think it is appropriate for you to take DD for (X length of time) without providing me with this very basic information.

My DD is 5 years old, he has started to take her to school every Tues and Thurs and see's her either a Sat or Sun for 3 hours.

I have no interest in visiting your address or knowing what goes on there. However for my own peace of mind I will need your address before your next visit otherwise it won't be going ahead.

I believe this request to be reasonable and therefore ask you to send it to me.

From Izzy.

Save a copy.

That is great; I think I will do that and email it to his mums and to his email address... least then I have a copy in my sent inbox.

Thanks for this. x

Edited to say, DD is 5 years old, he has started taking her to school every Tues and Thurs and either a Sat or Sun for 3 hours.