Move mortgage mountain project

Secret_Saving_Squirrel

Primrose, you are so right. Nobody wants to turn children against a parent, but if they are given the facts in a non judgemental way, as an explanation rather than as a blame scenario, they are old enough to understand.

My children feel sorry for their dad as, since our split, he is always skint. My children are all grown up and in their own homes and know the value of money and pay their mortgages - yet none of them has still really woken up to the fact that he has made his own luck. They have a strong sense of loyalty, which I admire, but I do keep waiting for them to realise that his woes are due to his own dodgy financial decision making. They also seem to think that I am really rich because I can have the things I want and still manage to give them nice birthday presents etc. But don't understand that it is because I don't waste money on rubbish.

A divorced parents lot is never easy - but children do need to know the facts.

Good luck Juliff,

Squirrel:j

LilacPixie

I agree whole heartedly with primrose.

Primrose

julliff - Another thing to think about when you're feeling down because you're overpaying on the mortgage and you think your children are not appreciative of the sacrifices you're making is to try and visualise where you'll be in ten years time (not that one wants to think about growing older !).

By then your children will be grown up will probably have moved out, be at university, or living independently. So it's not just your childrens' future you need to be thinking about and planning for. It's your long term future You don't want to be going into retirement still paying a big amount each month on a mortgage. By then you will have done your child rearing duty and will be wanting some freedom and leeway for yourself, and my goodness, you will have earned it. So regard your mortgage overpayments, whenever you can afford to make them, as your long term liberation project. By that stage, your OH will probably have bankrupted himself with his foolish spending, and you will have a secure future. As Secret Saving Squirrel has said, she has now reached the stage where her children have grown up and left home and she is reaping the benefits of her long term prudence.

Your children will better understand that everybody has a choice in the way they manage their financial affairs. Ask them how they think their father is going to live in his old age if he's not working (or is he now?) and providing for his future, rather than frittering away his money on Ebay.

julliff

Hello all

Thank you so, so much for your replies.

I had a total meltdown this morning, DD1 was being difficult and I just flipped. After shouting, I broke down into tears, and could not stop crying for about an hour. Feel stupid now. I think I was just so tired of trying to get DD1 to do a couple of things, like put stuff away, I just couldn't help myself.

I have tried to explain to her that I cannot do everything, and she needs to help out. She always says she understands, but then when I ask her to do stuff, she always says "In a minute" until it is too late, and then it is "I'll do it tomorrow". I feel like a broken record.

And so it is with money, when I explain it to her, she nods and agrees, but as soon as she wants something, then it is like the conversation never happened.

Primrose,you are always full of wise words, and I am so glad that you take the trouble to post. There really is no easy way to point out that thir father is a !!!!less bully, is there?

I know she is acting like a typical teenager, but I'm just finding it hard to cope. X was the same, just made me feel bad until I gave in. I must be a soft target!

Re DD2, it actually maked me a bit sick because now he will be encouraging her to collect all sorts from ebay. He will also use it as a way to satisfy his own addiction to ebay, looking for stuff and buying it for her. Before he left our house was full to the rafters with his "stuff", and I feel it all starting again through DD2. I happen to know that he has bid on 100 items for DD2s collection. I feel mean because DD2 is so fired up with it all, but I still feel like he is invading with HIS old ways. This probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me. Maybe it is me, it just brings all the old memories flooding back.

Anyway, after I recovered this morning, we did go to town, and things improved from there. I got DD1 a coat and some pj's. She didn't choose anything too expensive, so that was good.

I wasn't going to watch IACGMOOH, but DD1 asked me to stay and watch it with her, so she doesn't totally despise me!

I have decided to take a day off tomorrow, to try to destress myself. The kittens aren't helping either! On keeps pooping on the floor, and they both jump on the worktops as soon as my back is turned, despite my best efforts to train them not to! I spend a lot of time washing and polishing them, as they are black granite!

Again, many thanks to all of you.

LilacPixie

OK it's obviously too late for me because my first thought was how do black granite kittens manage to jump on worktops???

Primrose

julliff wrote: »

Re DD2, it actually maked me a bit sick because now he will be encouraging her to collect all sorts from ebay. He will also use it as a way to satisfy his own addiction to ebay, looking for stuff and buying it for her. Before he left our house was full to the rafters with his "stuff", and I feel it all starting again through DD2. I happen to know that he has bid on 100 items for DD2s collection. I feel mean because DD2 is so fired up with it all, but I still feel like he is invading with HIS old ways. This probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me. Maybe it is me, it just brings all the old memories flooding back.

.

Julliff - I can understanding exactly where you are coming from here. Now you've been able to emotionally separate yourself more from your Ex you can see only too clearly where the ebay addiction is coming from, and now your daughter is fired up with enthusiasm, I understand how difficult you feel it will be to curb this.

Would it be possible to set her some other kind of diversionary target? What kind of items is she collecting? Could you perhaps sit her down and talk to her, explaining that her father's habit is, in fact, an addiction and that his addictive collection of "stuff" was just one of the things that caused the family breakdownbecause he was focusing all his energy on the wrong things. . Could you make it an non-negotiable condition that any "stuff" she collects is permanently stored and kept at her Dad's place because you have seen where this addiction leads to and are not going to have any part of it in your house (if only because you don't have the physical and emotional energy to clean and clear up all the clutter). That will at least set up some boundaries if you can't control it.

Your meltdown was a sign that you're reaching the stage where "you've had enough" . It does suggest it's time that the three of you to have serious family conference together. I'm afraid I've lost track of the ages of your girls, but probably they're both old enough now to face up to the fact that some aspects of your family life have to change if you are to be able to survive as the sole family breadwinner.

Think about the issues which are "trigger points" for you and put them down on your discussion agenda with them. Make it clear that it's now "Your house, your rules" but explain the reasons why so that they understand where you're coming from. Be open to negotiation where this will earn you some brownie points for their cooperation.

Help them to understand the difference between the "survival" money that you're working hard to earn to keep a roof over their heads, and the "treats" money that their father is able to provide because he has only himself to consider. This isn't playing an unfair game. The girls need to understand that there's no Plan B for them to be able to go and live with their Dad if if you lose your house becuase of a breakdown, because presumably hise place is full of clutter and there's not enough accommodation for them.

I'm assuming that your oldest daughter is not yet old enough to try and get a Saturday job, which might be a diversionary tactic and a way of her earning some pocket money?

You say she always says she understands your problems, but never rises to the challenge. Would it make more impact on her perhaps, if you suggested that she move out and into her Dad's place for a month, to give you a break because you're now finding it difficult to cope ? I don't know whether this would be a practical proposition, but perhaps if she suddenly realises that her behaviour could have an immediate impact on her own life, the issue may be addressed.

Looking back to my own time as a teenager, I realise with shame how I sometimes drove my mother to tears, but she always picked herself up and carried on loving me unconditionally. This must have led me to believe that's was how mothers always behaved. I would have been must faster to change some of my behaviours if my mother had been more assertive and threatened me with penalties which would have caused an upheaval in my life. Perhaps your girls do now need the occasional lesson in "cause and effect" .

Where does your mother stand in this picture? Does she see the girls often enough to be able to suggest to them gently that they need to be more "on your side" as you're the only one who is keeping the family together? Could you enlist her assistance in helping to get the message across? Would it help to have her join a family conference? Just the fact that you've asked her to join you might give the girls a message that "something is happening here which is not in the normal family dynamic." It might raise the game a little and give them something to reflect on.

adwat

Hi Julliff

Best wishes for your mortgage free challenge! As I always say, it will be over quicker than you think - I can't believe I'm reaching the end of my journey (well sometime next year anyway).

You're absolutely doing the right thing, have no doubts about that. Every pound you save on interest is a pound you can spend on yourself or the kids. All I'd say is try to strike a balance between paying extra off and doing things with the family - this is something I've found difficult to do and to be honest it is harder to do (for me) than just overpaying.

I think you're efforts to shield your kids from your financial worries are spot on - kids don't need the worries of their parents, they've got enough of their own. Maybe have a word with your ex to ask him to tone down his generosity a bit or maybe even help you out directly - is he aware of how you're feeling and would he care to help out?

As the previous poster said, you're doing a great job.

Don't kick yourself for doing the best you can.

MatyMoo

Hi Julliff

Been following your threads for a while and hope you don't mind me adding in my two penneth!

My Mum was a single parent and was never able to send us to live with our Dad due to the circumstances. Even when things got tough she never used to get shouty with us and managed to remain consistent but firm and fair. One of her mantra's was I will always love you but I don't always like you. She also used to tell us when we had disappointed her.

I can't tell you what an effect it had on me to know that she didn't like me or that she was disappointed in me for something that I had done. It was far better than any punishment she could ever dole out.

Not sure if any if this will help you in your current situation.

MatymMoo

January20

Hi Juliff,

I've just been catching up with your thread and your troubles with the girls and as a mother in a situation not too dissimilar to yours, I have to say I completely agree with the advice that Primrose gave you. You should be more open with both your daughters about the financial situation of your household. I am very honest with my daughter and have been for a very long time because I realised that it was the only way she could understand why she didn't have as much spare cash as her friends.

On of my friends who is a teacher did an exercise with his students where he asked them to work out how much money they would need to live on their own in their own house or flat. I think it was quite an eye opener for them. It certainly was for my dd when he told her about it.

It was quite hard at first to tell my daughter about my financial situation, because I wished I could provide so much more for her and felt a bit guilty, but now I'm used to it and when a couple of weeks ago she saw my pay slip and asked if she could have a look at it, I felt ok about it. It's good for her to know that a person gets paid and then has so much tax and NI and pension to pay. She also knows exactly how much her father pays me in maintenance, and I hope I haven't told you this yet but her reaction was "is that all he gives you?". She knows how much he earns, but more importantly she now knows the value of money (Primark -apparently- is getting a lot more expensive than it used to be )

Brighton_belle

Hi Juliffe
just wanted to add my support - totally agree with Primrose in all her support and ideas.
I'm not to well at the mo so not enough energy to post much, but my heart goes out to you and all you are coping with and couldn't read and run.

Thanks Primrose for your consist advice and support - it's so good to read Juliffe getting really caring & practical ideas here from you and others.