Move mortgage mountain project

Secret_Saving_Squirrel

Hello,

I hope you are feeling better today Juliff. Taking one day at a time is the best thing, as well as holding on to your own beliefs and doing what you know is right. It is your house so you have the right to say what happens. You know that you will not be autocratic or bullying - so keep faith with what is good for you.

Very good luck,

Squirrel x

vandanfc

Hi J

Hope you managed to take the day off and you benefitted from it. Hugs sent anyway.

julliff

Hello

So sorry to everyonr who has posted for the delay in responding.

I have been feeling so low that I could not bring myself to post, as I am quite ashamed of myself for feeling so sorry for myself. I am guilty of using this forum to release some of the emotion that I don't seem able to shake away.

My humble apologies to you all.

Primrose - as always, your advice is like gold. Unortunately, my Mum is away, as her best friend is dying of cancer. I really don't want to burden her right now. I want to support her.

I'm not even managing to keep things in too much anymore. For example, DD1 informed me that she will be taking a day off school to look after her Dad when he has day surgery on his hand. I told her that as kind as it was,she should not be taking time off (she is year 11 and has mocks), but she is adamant. She said he had a letter to say he should have someone with him. BUT, I remember when X thought it would be ok for me to come home on the bus after my appendectomy, and that I had to drive myself to the hospital both times when I was in labour. I got a bit upset about that. Makes me feel so worthless.

Well, this is not really MFW is it? So sorry.

thank you so much. you have all been so kind.

julliff

LilacPixie,

your comment made me smile.
thanks!

January20

Hi Juliff, I really feel for you regarding your dds and particularly your dd1 taking a day of school to look after her father (as my dd's father contacting is synonym with problems and stress in our lives in my experience). This is only my opinion, but as your dd is in year 11 she is 15-16 and thinks she knows better than any adult, particularly her mum. Her dad has been indulging her and her sister and she feels sorry for him. Am I correct so far? I would say, let her get on with it. Frankly, a day off school will not matter much (but we won't tell her that) and if you object too much you will be the wicked heartless woman. As difficult as it is, you are going to have to let your dd1 do what she wants (within reason) and be here to catch her when she falls down.

I understand that you feel hard done by when you had to go to hospital on your own, but that was you ex, not your dds. You can't punish you ex (although I wish you could - he blooming deserves it) by not allowing your dd to go and look after him because you will damage your relationship with her.

You should use this forum to pour out your feelings if you need to. You dds are obviously typical self-centred teenagers and will possibly not understand you until their are into adulthood or until they have children themselves. Better using this forum than bottling it up and making yourself sick.

You are not worthless. You sound like a great mum who is working really hard to provide for her kids. One day they will realise.

MatyMoo

Don't ever be worried about not posting on here, we all have times when we feel sorry for ourself and need to lick our wounds. But it can also be good to share and offload

January has given excellent advice on your current issue so I won't comment on that!

Sorry to hear you are having to support your Mum through losing a friend to cancer, always a difficult time, and I am sure not wanting to bother her means that you are keeping things in which in turn makes you feel worse.

Sending hugs

julliff

Hello

Thanks for the replies. so kind.

I am feeling a bit better this afternoon, kids have gone to their Dads so it is quite peaceful.

I have tried to look at which factors are stressing me the most:

DD1 - attitude. Will not help at home (typical), and is quite verbally aggressive at times. I need to find a way to address this without getting too stressed. Easier said then done.

Kittens - I am erally cross with myself. I agreed with the kids that we could get another cat, but stipulated "I don't want a kitten, and I only want one cat". What do we end up with - two kittens! They arelovely, but I can't really cope with any more than I already have in my life. Kids agreed to do litter trays, but of course DD1 has to be nagged, and then does not do it properly. I can't threaten to get rid of them, as it would be ufair on DD2, who steps up to the plate. Difficult

Work - maybe if this was not so stupidly stressful, I would be coping with the above better. I may look around at the end of this contract, and see if I can move.

Okay, in the meantime, I will concentrate on my achievements - although small -

Managed to fix the thermostat/programmer on the boiler ALL BY MYSELF. Woo-hoo. This means that the boiler is not balsting out all the time, or the house is freezing;

Finally cancelled Outnow DVDs saving myself £7.99 a month;

Counted coin jars, and have another £50 to bank on Monday!


What I really need is an odd job man. Maybe someone retired. I have not got the time or inclination to take on the list of jobs that need doing (some going back 6 years or more!):

Fix light fitting in bathroom;
Fix light pull attachment in bathroom;
Install skirting boards and architrave in my bedroom;
Tile porch floor;
Install skirting bard in porch;
Paint behind mirror in bathroom;
Fix bathroom door catch;
Move burglar alarm control panel;
Fix up wooden venetians in DD1s bedroom;
Move cable modem downstairs (will involve recabling)
Fit new fan element into oven;
Varous bits of painting
Mend broken wooden venetian in dining room

cha97michelle

Hi

Not read or posted for a while, and just caught up. Sorry you have been feeling down. Must be really hard having to do everything alone, so don't feel bad pouring your feelings out here. We all need an outlet, and if it helps then do it and try to move on.

I am not much help when it comes to support as my experience of my kids is my 2 and 4 yo. Teenagers can be hard work, and they are probably a bit all over the place too with the changes at home.

Workmen - do you not have any retired neighbours who might appreciate a bit of cash to do some of those jobs? Is it worth posting on the local money saving board to see if anyone knows someone like that in your area?

The kittens i can appreciate. I also got suckered into taking 2 when i went for one, and mine are now 5 years old and a lot less bother. Someone told me to put some tin foil on the bench to stop them jumping on it. I never tried it in the end as i was in all day so i could stop them doing it by making a noise or knocking them down. I have never got mine out the habit of scratching at stuff unfortunately. They do it a lot less now though.

Primrose

julliff - Understand how depressing it must be to have all these irritating odd jobs which need to be done hanging around. That in itself is debilitating because it makes you feel that gradually the world is collapsing around your feet and overwhelming you. Do you have a FOCUS or B & Q near you? Sometimes these stores have notice boards where tradesmen can stick their adverts or business cards for potential customers and I know a number of people who've managed to find Odd Job Men in this way. The other place to look is the advertising boards which some big supermarkets have where tradesmen can advertise their services. Alternatively, do you have a local Parish Magazine or local paper where lots of tradesmen sometimes advertise?

As for your oldest daughter's attitude, would a change in tactics work? i.e. having a contract between you where if she does certain things, you do certain things, e.g. if her bedroom isn't tidied, her school clothes don't get ironed or she does't get a lift to her Dad's place? You don't want to have a battleground between you, but if you can think of the specific things that arn't being done when you've asked for help, and the consequence of that is understood as being non negotiable, maybe it would stop the battles. As for having two kittens, does each daughter have "nominal ownership of one of them?" If so, perhaps non-cleaning up of the litter tray could result in her cat being rehomed? It does sound tough, but in the end it's your sanity and survival that are at stake and maybe it's time to tell your girls that the bargain of having the kittens isn't being reciprocated so something has to give.
It's tough being a teenager because you're gradually having to come to terms with the fact that suddenly life doesn't owe you am automatic living without you have to contribute something to the pot in return. And I suppose your girls are still having to face up to the fact that their previous life as a family, however inadequate it was from your point of view, no longer exists. I still wonder if your eldest daughter wouldn't benefit from a brief spell living with her Dad.

a) He might refuse to take her, and that would make her realise that she's not quite as valuable to him as she supposed.
b) It would also give her a chance to have her eyes opened about his inadequaces as a parent and make her more understanding of your own role as a parent.
c) And a brief period of absence might cool the situation between you when she continually stressing you out.

julliff

Hello all

Thanks for the messages. Things have been really up and down with DD1, and myself generally. BUT, I am now on holiday, so I feel calmer now.

Trying to focus on the positives:

• Managed to get a rate rise. £15 a day - yay! They said they were not going to backdate it, but when I got my remittance today, they had in fact backdated it to the beginning of my contract extension (30/10/10) - double yay!
• Got my gas/elec bill from eon, and they have reuced my monthly payment from £101 to £62. I knew all that nagging about lights etc would pay dividends!
• Started looking at next years summer holiday, and if I book now, I can use my airmiles, and the flights will be a whole £1000 less than last year!
  
  Made a right show of myself at the Christmas party, unfortunately now some of my friends know about my life - god I must have come over as a right miserable and pathetic thing. Not looking forward to going back. I wasn't really that drunk, but as I very rarely drink, it did have a melanchonic effect on me. Grrr with myself.

Hope you all have a lovely Christmas!