Complete shock! Please help/ advise!

dorisday

She is the woman SHE IS and not the woman you NEED or WANT her to be! As I said before you have known each other for such a short time. Stick with NID and when this is all over your relationship may be stronger
I do feel for you because something similar happened to me and its like you are let down because the person you thought they were arent and you can loose respect for them and evenutally you dont feel the same about them.

Lara44

Don't worry Anonymousa. It'll just take a bit of time to get over this upset. I hope you're also allowing for pregnancy hormones, which might really be affecting the way she's handling this. It would be harsh to judge her reaction right now, she has opened up completely to you, forgiven the mail thing and also is clearly repentant on all counts. Why do you need to be there when she tells her parents? It would be kinder to allow her some private time with them....

I don't mean to make light of the situation, but compared to some other stories on DFW this is a small case (something like the loss of family life savings and the creation of huge debt through gambling, or another addiction). This is just one mistake, and it will get sorted over time. Don't let is distract you from the excitement of pregnancy or fatherhood and this lovely first stage in your relationship.

savingwannabe

Mr Anonymousa, dont be upset. Just take it a day at a time. It will get better i am sure. Focus on the future too. You have been given a fright by this and are working really hard to overcome it. I am sure you will. Mr Nid will look after you. All the best.

Good luck. hugs, SW.

Anonymousa

Thanks all. Niddy has been awesome! I had a bad night last night and this morning, but she has told her sister now and I feel better about it.

In no way do I want to belittle other people's problems - I know ours is minor, and I recognise that I'm in the fortunate position of being able to sort it (and having a great g/f and baby on the way). I'm privileged. I'm also still in shock though - it's like I lost £10k overnight on Saturday, iyswim.

Feeling more positive right now!

Nargleblast

Hang in there Anonymousa, you and your OH are on the way to getting this problem sorted. Before you know it Baby Anonymousa will be here and you will be so busy you will both be wondering why you got so worked up over the debt issues! It will be sorted out one day, and the three of you will have a great life together - as long as the mistakes of the past are not repeated. Get your household budget sorted as soon as you can, then things will be fine.

Anonymousa

Nargleblast wrote: »

Hang in there Anonymousa, you and your OH are on the way to getting this problem sorted. Before you know it Baby Anonymousa will be here and you will be so busy you will both be wondering why you got so worked up over the debt issues! It will be sorted out one day, and the three of you will have a great life together - as long as the mistakes of the past are not repeated. Get your household budget sorted as soon as you can, then things will be fine.

Thanks. I know we're going to be fine. My salary isn't too shabby so once it's sorted we'll be ok. We're actually very fortunate.

The debt has already helped me a bit. I was buying a new desk for my study, and was looking for the perfect one to go with new wallpaper (or paint) and new carpet.

Now that we won't be doing that for a while, I just bought an IKEA one for £99 rather than the £200/£300 ones I was looking at.

I have asked about contributions to charity from niddy once I get this sorted, but he wouldn't give me any. I will make one to a charity when we arre sorted though!

Cheers all. :T

Nargleblast

Remember the mantra - before buying anything, ask yourself "Do I need it?" "Can I get it cheaper?" "Can I get it cheaper with free gifts thrown in and cashback on top?" "Can I get it for free?" You are already learning the MSE way

Anonymousa

never-in-doubt wrote: »

Hiya

Thanks for the explanation via PM/Email - all makes crystal clear sense to me - now time to explain to you, what to do next. Basically all the advice that follows is a step-by-step process and needs to be followed to the letter, in order to work through this, and save you loads of money as well.....

Ok, remember your partner will be doing all this using her address as on the credit file, do not do any of it at your address or it will create a link so stick to the address currently being used (her parents or whetever it is)...

You'll start by sending a SAR to each lender, doing this will allow you to sit and work out the charges that have been applied over the last 6 years, by doing this the debt will reduce significantly, afterwhich we'll look at making F&F Offers dependant upon the balance after the charges have been refunded.

So following the processes below will allow you to do this the correct way:

Step 1

HSBC:
Send a SAR to them (with £10), quoting both account numbers (the bank and card): SAR Request - Advanced Version

HBOS:
Send a SAR to them (with £10) quoting the account number: SAR Request - Advanced Version

Then wait the statutory 40 days, they will reply to the address on file so keep checking post, cos they may write asking for a signature, if they do you'd then come back to me and i'll provide an additional template to send back.

Step 2

Once you have worked out the charges, from the data supplied in the SAR packs you need to go to the relevant link below and follow the processes within them, in order to get the charges refunded (to the account):

a) - For Credit Card charge reclaim - http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/reclaim/credit-card-charges?dd
b) - For Loan charge reclaim - http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/reclaim/ppi-loan-insurance?dd
c) - For current account charge reclaim - http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/reclaim/bank-charges?dd

Step 3

You should by now have had offers to settle the charges from the lenders - once you accept them, and they are applied to the relevant accounts you'll have a new grand total for each lender. It is at this point you'll come back to me and i'll advise what to offer each lender as a full and final settlement figure. You cannot do this right now because of the charge reclaims.

Typical F&F Template (for reference at this stage) looks like this: Default Removal - Offer of F&F Settlement

Remember to treat HSBC as two accounts for everything, other than when you request a SAR (a SAR is everything they hold about you, not account specific).

Hope this all makes sense, it is quite easy once you get started, however it does take time - lots of time! Just remember do not ever speak to them on the phone, you must only deal in writing by following the processes above - if you deviate you could cause more damage than good! Just PM me if you get stuck, i'm usually here at least once a day and will reply when I hear from you (you could always email)....

Good Luck - does it make sense to you? :beer:

OK, we're starting.

From step one, what does "sign digitally" mean. I am going to print the letters out, so not sure how to sign digitally!! Edit: I presume you mean type the name and that is it!

Many thanks, as always.

In addition, this is a stupid question, but which address do I send to? Do I look it up on the net? Thanks.

Anonymousa

It's quite exciting now we've started!

Wee_Jo

Anonymousa wrote: »

For purposes of update, I want us to use her parents address to deal with the debt. I don't want to create a financial link between me and her because when we renew our mortgage, it is in my name. She is resigned to her credit rating being obliterated.

I love her very much; I think we had a stand off this evening. Mrs A is ashamed, and is embarrassed at telling her parents. I think her parents know (if I knew in 9 months or A LOT less, they know). But I am insisting on being there when she tells them. Mrs A is upset. I want to get on with it, but it looks like we need to use her parents' address (from other areas of the site, bailiffs are a long way off).

She has finally started to talk to me, but I want her to start to lead (I don't necessarily mean "decide" or "sort out", but I do mean gain some urgency) things.

I found it hard tonight. I cried twice and can't sleep. I don't blame her, but I need her to be the woman I love and be (or act) strong so we can have started this before our child is born.

That's all.

I haven't posted on here before, but I just wanted to say you sound so lovely and supportive, Anonymousa. And it really sounds at the bottom of it all, Mrs A does want to get it sorted, but it's just taking her a while to spit out all the sand after her long standing ostrich impression. But she will do it. You love each other and Baby Bump Anonymousa will be along soon which will help a great deal as Mrs A will want to be all sorted out so that you can be the best wee family you can be.

Keep your chin up Mr A, you can do it.

Jo