Feeling angry and wanting to cry

Lara44

blabberwort wrote: »

People need to remember that while children are fickle, they have been brought up to expect time with their aunt and it would be cruel to stop it straight away just because their parents are inconsiderate twerps. It's not the childrens fault after all. You should have time for yourself and hubby before your baby is born. Dont be bullied into anything but at the same time you need to do this the right way.

You sound like such a very nice person moneysaver12 :T
Your family obviously have not thanked you enough for all the help and support you have provided to your brother and SIL.

I think blabberwort has given some good advice. While you absolutely must have time for yourself, your OH and your new baby, it would be a shame to hurt your nieces' feelings. Stuff the feelings of the rest of your family who are being very unkind. It is very disappointing that they are not stepping in to spend more time with the nieces and help you to wind down contact.

It might be helpful if you could talk to the nieces directly and explain a little bit. Could you make them feel a part of the baby's arrival? Perhaps you could show them your scans and make pictures of the little one to come. You could explain to them the demands of a new baby, and make sure they understand that you still love them so much. You could explain to them that when they were born they required the same attention too. Perhaps you could emphasise how important they will be in the new baby's life as big cousins? And that this stage will not last forever.

I am sure they really love their Auntie, and it sounds like you're one of the only people who really make the effort to take them out and be kind. I think if you're able to make them feel secure that it won't be too damaging to your relationship. Although I am sure they will miss you a little bit.

As far as your Mum goes, it sounds like this behaviour fits a pattern. Remember that you're about to become your own little family now. Best of luck to you with the new arrival.

Jo_R_2

You sound like a very thoughtful and giving person so no wonder you feel so upset by it. However I do agree that you need to be firm (doesn't have to involve being confrontational or mean of course!) and put your foot down.

Out of interest, how do you feel when your brother or SIL call up and ask you to babysit? Do you plan your weekends with the thought in mind that you might be asked, or alter plans to accommodate them? I do think that you are actually a fab auntie, I love the idea of 'extended' family supporting with the children, but not at your own expense IYSWIM?

Honest to god, I think despite the initial awkwardness that might ensue if you choose to be firm, you will actually get more respect for it in the long run. My sister doesn't have children and I really respect her pursuing her career and feel really pleased that she is enjoying her life with her husband, being able to go out as and when they please, they look like they have a great time yet they adore my children and are proper "fun" Auntie G and Uncle M which is just how it should be

Out of interest, I really don't think you should commit too much right now to how much you see your nieces after baby is born. If you are anything like me walking round like a bleary-eyed monster it won't necessarily be one of your priorities so maybe arranging short-but-sweet visits for a while but be the best way until you're on your feet?

For now I'd appreciate the time you have with your OH and don't feel bad that you want this! It doesn't mean your neices have to suffer at all - you can still see them, just a bit less (maybe every other weekend?) and at the end of the day you'll be doing their parents a favour, although they won't realise it at first, to not take you for granted and assume you'll step in when they need you all the time.

Bonny1

Honey, STOP making excuses for your families actions, they're dumping on you from a GREAT height, and have done so for years..and your taking it...

It stops TODAY.. get you DH to take the calls, or facebook messages... but DEAL with it NOW.

Your nieces, will be fine, I assume they go to preschool, where they have buddies, neighbours kids to play with, other little friends.. sounds more like the Adults, who are desperately trying to EMOTIONALLY Blackmail you into, Forever Free Childcare...

Stop this bullying/manipulating Adult nonsense immediately, your pregnant for gawds sakes....

Take care of yourself Honey, I'm serious, you need to think of your own baby now...

Bonny

pmlindyloo

Agree 100% with everything that has been said.

Can I add one more thing which was mentioned very early on, but which I think needs highlighting. STOP GOING ON FACEBOOK.

I feel very strongly about this. Whilst many people use Facebook with no problems whatsoever, I have seen it destoy families, cause arguments and rifts which take a long time to heal. Some people seem to relish posting tittle tattle about others and seem to have no compunction about posting quite personal details about their families. It takes one small comment to turn into something really nasty.

Save yourself a lot of heartache and REFUSE to have conversations with your family on Facebook.

Forgive the capital letters - I expect you can tell my family has suffered terribly from postings on Facebook!

Enjoy your pregnancy, your family life and do what you and your other half want. Do not give in to emotional blackmail.

floss2

kr15snw wrote: »

So I assume your brother will be taking your baby one day a week once it's born?

I would ask him now - better to clarify the pattern of swapping children now before your baby arrives!!

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Can I suggest you start reducing the time you have with your nieces now rather than when the baby is born?

I agree, how old are the girls & do they know & understand that you will soon have your own baby?

DVardysShadow

Well, now you have had this bit of earache, I think it makes your planning easier.

It is quite predictable that when your child appears on the scene, you will still be expected to look after the nieces, but if you have any expectation that your child will be looked after now and again, I think you will find you are dropped like a hot potato. If I am wrong, it will be a bonus. Don't feel guilty, you have responsibilities of your own and you should put these first.

jackieglasgow

I don't have anything to add to the advice that's already been given except, to remember to say no. Think before you answer, and don't slip into automatic "yes" mode:D

Oh, and you have lovely manners!

fav77

Oh moneysaver12, you sound like such a lovely person! I am sorry you are going through so much stress at a time when you should be enjoying your freedom and planning for your new arrival.

Please dont let them walk all over you, I know how easy it is to become a people pleaser to your family when they seem to favour everyone else - I have been doing this for years! Believe me they will never ever respect you for it and the more you do the more they will expect as their right. I don't know how old you are but I am in my 30s and only now realising all this! You will never get these precious years back, do what makes YOU happy and balls to the rest of them.

All the best xxx

BitterAndTwisted

moneysaver12 wrote: »

Thats what we are going to do, we are going to start reducing the time we spend with them now.



I am at the point now where i think that it should be more down to when me and my dh want to have our nieces, not feeling pressured in having them.

I think you are absolutely right in wanting to be the ones in control of when or if you have your nieces over. I agree that you should try and taper off how often you have them and are also the ones who say when these visits will take place. I would advise you to try and not be pressured into agreeing to have them at times arranged in advance but to attempt to keep arrangements unconfirmed and fluid so you can decline (and should) if times and hours don't suit.

But you must be prepared to get lots and lots of aggro for "being selfish" and "uncooperative" as I think it's inevitable that this is how your actions will be perceived after having been taken for granted for so very long.

The bottom line is, although I appreciate that you love those little girls and believe that the time spent together is valuable to all of you, they are not your responsibility in any way, shape or form. You never know, once you've declined to be taken advantage of, other members of the family might take up the baton and get on with it without you.

In your position I would absolutely not be drawn into any conversations about this issue with your mother. If she's that concerned about her granddaughters' welfare and childcare arrangements she can ruddy-well get involved herself. What a nerve she has!

Starrystarrynight

Taking advantage of a person's good nature and generosity is an awful, selfish thing to do. Please don't feel bad about taking care of yourself, OP.