Feeling angry and wanting to cry

Money_maker

moneysaver12 wrote: »

I got asked because nieces mum was working on the sunday morning and my brother wanted to go fishing.

That really is taking the biscuit! So their dad could go fishing?

Wish I had family like you - you have really been soooo good to them and your nieces. Of course your baby has to come first - how dare they even suggest he/she shouldn't? Keep in touch with your nieces by phone and take a few months off after the birth - you will need to rest when baby does.

And I suggest you have a frank word with your brother about responsibilities...

blabberwort

I totally agree with everyone else, you have been taken for granted for years. However im going to make myself unpopular here im afraid. While your brother and the rest of your family are being totally unreasonable with their attitude I think you do need to understand that the children need time to adapt.

Of course I understand they are not your children, but at the same time for all their lives they have always spent at least a day a week with you. This cant carry on especially once you get near the end of your pregnancy but I do think you need to handle it the right way. Not because of your familys attitude because quite frankly their attitude stinks, but you should make the break of the time spent regularly with your neices slowly for their benefit. They are to small to understand the change a new baby brings.

Theres no easy way to solve this, but you can do it without upsetting the children. Sod what their parents or your mum think. You need to think about your own immediate family now. Maybe have them every 2 weeks for a while then slowly cut down the hours you do have them?

People need to remember that while children are fickle, they have been brought up to expect time with their aunt and it would be cruel to stop it straight away just because their parents are inconsiderate twerps. It's not the childrens fault after all. You should have time for yourself and hubby before your baby is born. Dont be bullied into anything but at the same time you need to do this the right way.

Maybe you could chat about your baby and explain that aunty moneysaver12 gets a little tired sometimes because of the baby, and you may not beable to have them as much but that you dont love them any less. Theres no point in telling them about needing time alone with hubby because they wont get it, but you can put things in terms that the oldest at least will beable to comprehend.

sp1987

Your brother/sister in law and mother seem like utter plonkers.

It is THEIR problem that THEIR children are being put through this as THEY have relied on your childcare and attention to the stage that their children get better/quality time with you than them. If you take them out...and you stop seeing them, the children will lose out. But this is not your fault. Their own parents should be entertaining them. You should be a pleasant addition to their life, not their sole time of going anywhere.

I can honestly say when I was that young I was so entertained and busied by my own parents that other family I used to regularly see (and not see) were never missed as they were always second rate entertainment compared to my parents (sounds worse than it was meant, lol).

I feel sorry for you and the children. I'd tell the parents/grandparents where to get the hell off and take the daughters to the cinema once in a while. Maybe you could agree one saturday afternoon per month or something, so they know when they will be seeing you.

I am annoyed for you, what liberty takers. Especially as brother sits waiting for fishing. I'd tell him there is a lot of things he needs to catch and reel in at home, namely his children's happiness.

It does seem that you are a bit (understandably) sensitive too, which is why they are upsetting you. Try to harden up a bit as they don't seem particularly sensitive to your feelings.

sindygirl58

I am aghast and a bit angry on your behalf.
dont let them make you feel guilty, or let them walk all over you! you must love kids and have enjoyed the girls , without it being your duty to look after them, you did it willingly and others are taking this for granted. they are too small to know the diference between a week and 2 weeks aprt. I bet you feel ganged up on, they should all butt out, its between you and your brother and his wife/partner to sort.
I too was a reg weekend carer to a niece from age 1. I too had hassles from the wider family over it. At times i just wanted the interfering to stop!! At all time, my position was that the child came first at all times.

ailuro2

Next time they mention the frequency of visits, tell them you'd assumed that your baby would be going to visit them one week and the girls would be coming to visit you the next, that way everyone gets to spend some quality time with their aunts and uncles, and all the aunts and uncles get a free couple of hours to catch up on hosuework/shopping etc....

well you will anyway, sounds like your family have plenty of time on their hands to get this done already.... in fact I'd say they have too much time on their hands if all they've got to worry about is how often you're going to take their kids after you've had your own:eek:

I need to make you aware of what happened to me though, I was once very close to my nieces and nephew, used to babysit, pick them up from school, take them for days out, have them overnight whenever it was neeeded or whenever they wanted to stay. After I had my own DD and couldn't be as helpful suddenly I was deemed selfish and also their mother wasn't so friendly to me anymore.....moral of the story... sometimes when we are doing what's best for other family's kids it takes a while for us to realise we're being taken the p*** out of.

Get it out in the open now, come to an agreement about who will visit who when. Once you've calmed down a wee bit, of course, otherwise they'll blame it on pregnancy hormones and think you didn't mean what you said.;)


Good Luck, hope you get it sorted, you sound like a lovely auntie.:D

Mrs_Boo_Boo

Oh big big big big hugs to you.

Like all the other posters, you have been taken for a ride. I have been in this position too and it is so hard.
Firstly your nieces will understand,this is emotional blackmail by your family. Kids understand. I have a God daughter who I only ever see twice a year due to living a 6 hour drive away and have a fantastic relationship with her. I went from having contact with my relatives regularly who lived in the same town to moving away,it happens. Didn't mean I had any less of a relationship. In fact you have now nutured a solid relationship with your nieces which will continue whether you see them quite so often or not.
Secondly it is hard saying no to your mum. She knows the right emotional buttons to press and has obviously influencing you for all your life. I recently had to say no to a family holiday in Australia paid for by my parents!!! My husband and I just did not want to go, but boy did I get a grilling. I was very upset, but stuck to my guns. It was very hard.
So you keep resolute and yes your family now come first. This is one step to becoming a grown up in the eyes of your family and it may be that you have never really rebelled before and its a new you emerging.
Good Luck

kr15snw

So I assume your brother will be taking your baby one day a week once it's born?

I'd ask them this and if they say 'well no.....' ask why you have to have them every week?

Hunny what your doing is wonderful and I would love to do it with my neices (same ages) but can't as they live 2 hours away, but your being treated like a childminder!!!

Foggster

How are you feeling this morning?

As you can see everyone is in agreement that you are very much in the RIGHT and your family in the WRONG. So what are you going to do now.

Personally, I would invite all parties concerned around to your place and have an open and frank chat with them about the future and how things will be done. You will still see your neices but not as often as before because you will now have a baby and you will want to spend as much time as possible as a family. Even hint at the possibility that when you finish uni you may well move away to be nearer your DHs family or to find work etc. Show them you are thinking independently even if you dont carry it through.

Good Luck xxxx

mountainofdebt

Can I suggest you start reducing the time you have with your nieces now rather than when the baby is born?

I only say this as by then the nieces will have got used to not seeing you so frequently and won't have the impression that they've been dropped like a hot potato (not that you would but you know what I mean?)

The other thing is these sort of conversations are never good to have virtually .......direct talking is called for in these circumstances.

renegade

blabberwort wrote: »

I totally agree with everyone else, you have been taken for granted for years. However im going to make myself unpopular here im afraid. While your brother and the rest of your family are being totally unreasonable with their attitude I think you do need to understand that the children need time to adapt.

Of course I understand they are not your children, but at the same time for all their lives they have always spent at least a day a week with you. This cant carry on especially once you get near the end of your pregnancy but I do think you need to handle it the right way. Not because of your familys attitude because quite frankly their attitude stinks, but you should make the break of the time spent regularly with your neices slowly for their benefit. They are to small to understand the change a new baby brings.

Theres no easy way to solve this, but you can do it without upsetting the children. Sod what their parents or your mum think. You need to think about your own immediate family now. Maybe have them every 2 weeks for a while then slowly cut down the hours you do have them?

People need to remember that while children are fickle, they have been brought up to expect time with their aunt and it would be cruel to stop it straight away just because their parents are inconsiderate twerps. It's not the childrens fault after all. You should have time for yourself and hubby before your baby is born. Dont be bullied into anything but at the same time you need to do this the right way.

Maybe you could chat about your baby and explain that aunty moneysaver12 gets a little tired sometimes because of the baby, and you may not beable to have them as much but that you dont love them any less. Theres no point in telling them about needing time alone with hubby because they wont get it, but you can put things in terms that the oldest at least will beable to comprehend.

This is good advice, I agree with you wholeheartedly!