How do I approach the money issue...

samandona

It really does sounds like your GF has an inferiority complex. I'd be more than greatful if my partner installed anti-virus software on my unsafe computer. Just like, I am very VERY appreciative when my boyfriend makes a special trip to the petrol station just to fill up my car because I was running low. Its the little things like that that make you see when someone is worth keeping, not when they are trying to control you!

She's a grown woman with what sounds like a fairly successful life. I don't see why you should have to pander to her "needs" when it comes to making her feel good or not upsetting her. She's not a small child! As someone else said, relationships are rarely equal. Right now, im having the baby. ButI have a much MUCH larger earning capacity than my boyfriend so several years down the line I will be the one who goes out to work (probably). Perhaps she just doesnt realise what she has got (in you - lucky girl!) and should start being more appreciative of the fact you obviously care so much about her and want to do the best for the both of you. Given the choice, I would rather have a partner who earned more than me than less....

Zazen999

I'm a bit like that - I had a stepfather who used to go on and on about subsidising me and my little bro - so I'm a bit touchy on the topic.

Anyhow - what we do is:

Joint account for the bills and a separate account [or several] each.

tot up what the bills plus any treats [such as hols] are likely to come to and pay a percentage into that account each month.

So when I was on twice his wage, I paid 2/3 of the total monthly amount

Now I'm on less than him, I pay 4/10 of the total monthly amount.

All the household bills, mortgage, treats out, hols so go onto the account and then we each have our own spend money. If we are buying something together we usually go halves, or the same proportion so that it's fair.

No fuss, no worries, the amount gets increased or decreased if needs be and the treats are taken care of.

roger196

Maybe I have a different viewpoint but I would be very wary of a joint account especially for someone in their own business. We are heading into a serious recession and a number of well run businesses are going to go bust. Any financial involvement should be , if and only if you have her consent, via an LLP or limited company. You need to sit down together and discuss what is the fairest method of splitting household bills. You need to agree what is a fair split. Suggest you ask her what she considers this to be. The method I prefer is that one agrees to pay the gas, the other the electricity etc. There are clear lines of responsibility and accountability.

Tropez

samandona wrote: »

It really does sounds like your GF has an inferiority complex. I'd be more than greatful if my partner installed anti-virus software on my unsafe computer. Just like, I am very VERY appreciative when my boyfriend makes a special trip to the petrol station just to fill up my car because I was running low. Its the little things like that that make you see when someone is worth keeping, not when they are trying to control you!

She's a grown woman with what sounds like a fairly successful life. I don't see why you should have to pander to her "needs" when it comes to making her feel good or not upsetting her. She's not a small child! As someone else said, relationships are rarely equal. Right now, im having the baby. ButI have a much MUCH larger earning capacity than my boyfriend so several years down the line I will be the one who goes out to work (probably). Perhaps she just doesnt realise what she has got (in you - lucky girl!) and should start being more appreciative of the fact you obviously care so much about her and want to do the best for the both of you. Given the choice, I would rather have a partner who earned more than me than less....

I don't really feel that I'm being required to pander to her needs but that she feels that I'm not allowing her to be equal in the relationship. I understand what you're saying that she is perhaps being oversensitive on this issue but as someone else said maybe it is something to do with the things that happened in her past. I guess I just need to find the right balance that suits us both.

Zazen999 wrote: »

I'm a bit like that - I had a stepfather who used to go on and on about subsidising me and my little bro - so I'm a bit touchy on the topic.

Anyhow - what we do is:

Joint account for the bills and a separate account [or several] each.

tot up what the bills plus any treats [such as hols] are likely to come to and pay a percentage into that account each month.

So when I was on twice his wage, I paid 2/3 of the total monthly amount

Now I'm on less than him, I pay 4/10 of the total monthly amount.

All the household bills, mortgage, treats out, hols so go onto the account and then we each have our own spend money. If we are buying something together we usually go halves, or the same proportion so that it's fair.

No fuss, no worries, the amount gets increased or decreased if needs be and the treats are taken care of.

That sounds fair enough. I think it would be important for both of us to have our own accounts, at least for the time being, but I think if she felt she was contributing something it would make her feel a lot better too.

roger196 wrote: »

Maybe I have a different viewpoint but I would be very wary of a joint account especially for someone in their own business. We are heading into a serious recession and a number of well run businesses are going to go bust. Any financial involvement should be , if and only if you have her consent, via an LLP or limited company. You need to sit down together and discuss what is the fairest method of splitting household bills. You need to agree what is a fair split. Suggest you ask her what she considers this to be. The method I prefer is that one agrees to pay the gas, the other the electricity etc. There are clear lines of responsibility and accountability.

I'm not really concerned about the recession. I love her and will take care of her no matter what. I think, overall, her business is relatively sound although not entirely recession proof but there's potential there given the fact she provides a service that a substantial proportion of people need. My line of work is as close to recession proof as possible so I have no real concerns about entering into a joint account with her as there will be very little tie-in with her business and if she ever did get to a stage where she was unable to pay her bills then I would pay them anyway.

I agree though, if only for the sake of her peace of mind, that some reasonable idea of what is paid should be drawn up. I don't necessarily like the idea of one person paying for one service while the other pays for another in this case simply because I know the majority of the bills will be racked up by me anyway and it doesn't sound very fair to make her pay the gas bill when she might be responsible for less than 10% of it. Honestly, I would rather just pay for everything but I know this will annoy her hence I need to work out something that suits us both.

Gazing_On_Sunsets

I see her point. I feel like that too. I am an independent woman, own house, part self employed and part employed but always skint, and my boyfriend has his house, car, good job, and we've spoken about moving in together (at first I actually thought you were HIM!!! writing about ME!!!)

He pays a lot. We were out last weekend and I couldn't pay for anything. He explains it like you do - that he can, so he will. He points out that were the roles reversed, I'd do the same, which is true.

However it has taken some time for me to appreciate that I have been placing too much emphasis on the role of money in our relationship. Our relationship is a mixture of many threads. A thread of money, which has to-and-fro, and other links like respect, doing things for each other, having fun, sharing things etc etc. If I cook a nice meal, I enjoy doing that and it makes us both happy. And it's easy for me to do. DITTO if he pays for the petrol - he enjoys it, it's easy for him, and it makes us both happy. So I can start to see it as equal contributions. It would feel unequal if I placed more importance on money than on other things. So as long as I keep it in perpective and and as long as we both value our own contributions to the relationship then I think it can work.

Maybe show her this whole thread....starting with what you wrote? It was heartfelt.

Tropez

Gazing_On_Sunsets wrote: »

I see her point. I feel like that too. I am an independent woman, own house, part self employed and part employed but always skint, and my boyfriend has his house, car, good job, and we've spoken about moving in together (at first I actually thought you were HIM!!! writing about ME!!!)

He pays a lot. We were out last weekend and I couldn't pay for anything. He explains it like you do - that he can, so he will. He points out that were the roles reversed, I'd do the same, which is true.

However it has taken some time for me to appreciate that I have been placing too much emphasis on the role of money in our relationship. Our relationship is a mixture of many threads. A thread of money, which has to-and-fro, and other links like respect, doing things for each other, having fun, sharing things etc etc. If I cook a nice meal, I enjoy doing that and it makes us both happy. And it's easy for me to do. DITTO if he pays for the petrol - he enjoys it, it's easy for him, and it makes us both happy. So I can start to see it as equal contributions. It would feel unequal if I placed more importance on money than on other things. So as long as I keep it in perpective and and as long as we both value our own contributions to the relationship then I think it can work.

Maybe show her this whole thread....starting with what you wrote? It was heartfelt.

Thank you. I think you have a good way of looking at these things. And yeah, that is exactly how I feel - I pay for things simply because I know I can and it doesn't hurt me and I do believe were the roles reversed she would pay for me instead. I am sure irrespective of what occurs she will want to pay her way towards the bills when we eventually make moving in official but similar to an earlier post, you've made me think about ways we could share input on other things so that she feels that she has a stronger place in the relationship.

I appreciate your response.

jakem_2

You are too good to be true, and so is she I dont mean this in a patronising way, but you are trying to help her by paying for treats out, and other bits and pieces, she being the independent lady she is wants to pay her way.
The two of you need to thrash this out as both of you if you definately live together, will never take each other for granted when it comes to the financial side of things.


I am a bit like your lady, very independent, likes to pay my way, would never take advantage, but unfortunately ended up marrying, (soon to be divorced) a very tight and selfish man, who would try to take advantage of me.
You are made for each other, and I hope it all works out between you both.:D

Tropez

jakem wrote: »

You are too good to be true, and so is she I dont mean this in a patronising way, but you are trying to help her by paying for treats out, and other bits and pieces, she being the independent lady she is wants to pay her way.
The two of you need to thrash this out as both of you if you definately live together, will never take each other for granted when it comes to the financial side of things.


I am a bit like your lady, very independent, likes to pay my way, would never take advantage, but unfortunately ended up marrying, (soon to be divorced) a very tight and selfish man, who would try to take advantage of me.
You are made for each other, and I hope it all works out between you both.:D

Thank you very much for your kind words. It does indeed feel like she is too good to be true.

I've received some great advice on this thread and I think I have an idea how to approach the subject. I expect to see her on Sunday so I have a day to work out how I am going to talk to her but I think it would be best to work something out sooner rather than later.

I am sorry to hear about your upcoming divorce, or rather, I am sorry to hear you didn't marry the right man for you.

Zazen999

Tropez wrote: »

That sounds fair enough. I think it would be important for both of us to have our own accounts, at least for the time being, but I think if she felt she was contributing something it would make her feel a lot better too.

Hmm - don't want to sound picky bit if she is contributing a percentage into a shared account, then she isn't 'feeling' like she is contributing something - she IS contributing something - and that something is her SHARE of the costs of living together.


I'm beginning to see where she is coming from....

Tropez

Zazen999 wrote: »

Hmm - don't want to sound picky bit if she is contributing a percentage into a shared account, then she isn't 'feeling' like she is contributing something - she IS contributing something - and that something is her SHARE of the costs of living together.


I'm beginning to see where she is coming from....

Yeah, I phrased that incorrectly, I admit. I simply meant that I can understand why at present she feels like she isn't contributing anything and why that is making her feel bad. I want her to feel good about herself and feel she is contributing and it seems to me that she needs to be contributing financially for her to feel good about herself. I could just as easily argue that she contributes to our relationship in a hundred other ways but it seems like she desires a larger financial responsibility hence I need to figure out a suitable solution once she moves in that will satisfy her desire to pay her way and also how to present this to her so that she doesn't feel railroaded but so that we come to an agreement that is fair for all.

It's just something I was unsure how to approach. I don't want her to move in and then start asking her to pay for this, this and this when I'm the one using the majority because that isn't fair in my eyes. I had never thought before that she would be feeling upset about not paying for dinner, coffee, nights out etc. hence I know I have been insensitive to her feelings now that she has brought it up. I am glad she has brought it up because I would have honestly just continued to pay the household bills as normal and wouldn't have realised she would have been so hurt by this.