Help overcome paranoia

euronorris

Zazen999 wrote: »

Why?

How do you know that nasty comments won't be the catalyst that stops this person from stalking this or his next girlfriend?

No offence, but sometimes bad behaviour needs a strong response.

I suspect the OP chooses this type of girl as it seems to be a habit rather than a one off. It's all part of the game that he plays that fuels his bad behaviour as his descriptions all include his girlfriends giving him something to be paranoid about.

I am afraid propping up the bar so that you can keep an eye on her is NOT the basis for any healthy relationship. Someone needs to tell the OP that.

Nasty comments rarely work! In fact, they usually serve only to reinforce the idea that everyone is 'against them'.

I feel there is a better way of dealing with this problem, which is through understanding and offering practical advice to get help.

Neither you or I can offer any advice beyond that. Only a professional can, and one who has performed an assessment of the OP in person.

Whilst I agree the behaviour is bad and needs to be addressed, I don't think that you should discount that past and current relationships have played a part in creating the irrational behaviour. It appears that you don't believe him. But how do you know it's not true?

It turned out my ex was cheating on me with, well, pretty much every other girl in town. But....at the time, everyone, including my friends told me I was simply being overly paranoid and I should stop being so jealous. I felt like I had no one left to talk to about it and so the paranoia would only grow. And, it turns out I was right! Same with the ex before him.

And yes, I made bad choices relationship wise, but it wasn't because I wanted to fuel my bad behaviour!! I had simply fallen into a pattern and didn't know where to begin with stopping it! It becomes so hard to recognise who's trustworthy and who isn't, as, at the time, I truly believed that both those ex's deserved my trust and it turned out I was wrong.

I took a break from relationships altogether after that, just so that I could get my head straight.

I just don't think you should put all the blame on the OP. And I also think that constructive criticism is required here.

Zazen999

euronorris wrote: »

Whilst I agree the behaviour is bad and needs to be addressed, I don't think that you should discount that past and current relationships have played a part in creating the irrational behaviour. It appears that you don't believe him. But how do you know it's not true?

I totally believe that it is past relationships but I also believe that you get the relationship that you allow yourself to have.

Look at the original post; I, She, What, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, What.

She's actually admitted that they don't get on! He's asking what steps can be taken...but to do what?

He put the bit in about his gf because he wants people to say 'what a flirt, you are right to be so possessive, you can't trust her', but he's chosen girls that are flirts just so that he can fuel his possessive nature.

daz69kay

zazen, go annoy some other person.... u dont know me, u shudnt even be on ere coz u dont agree with advice seeking on forums and u certainly dont help.
keep your opinions to yourself

Zazen999

daz69kay wrote: »

zazen, go annoy some other person.... u dont know me, u shudnt even be on ere coz u dont agree with advice seeking on forums and u certainly dont help.
keep your opinions to yourself

Aah, hit a nerve then.

euronorris

Zazen999 wrote: »

She's actually admitted that they don't get on! He's asking what steps can be taken...but to do what?

He put the bit in about his gf because he wants people to say 'what a flirt, you are right to be so possessive, you can't trust her', but he's chosen girls that are flirts just so that he can fuel his possessive nature.

Well, firstly, whilst they may not be getting on now, that's not to say that they shouldn't work on their issues and try to make it work. Once those issues have been overcome, they could be very happy together, who knows?

Of course he wants someone to tell him he's right. That's the very nature of being jealous. But, just because his behaviour is extreme doesn't mean that his feelings of jealously are unjustified. Her actions need to be addressed also. Not just for this relationship, but for herself and her future also.

And I do not believe that he is choosing overly flirty girls so that he can fuel his possessive behaviour. I fail to see why anyone would do that. It's a horrible feeling when your jealous and you'd do anything to be rid of it, hence the irrational actions.

I'll say it again: It becomes so hard to recognise who's trustworthy and who isn't, as, at the time, you truly believe that these people deserved your trust.

And once you're in, it's hard to break it off as the feelings have grown and you don't want to 'give up' on someone.

The good news is that he recognises there's a problem and he wants to fix it. However, I truly believe that therapy/counselling will be required to fix it properly.

Zazen999

euronorris wrote: »

Well, firstly, whilst they may not be getting on now, that's not to say that they shouldn't work on their issues and try to make it work. Once those issues have been overcome, they could be very happy together, who knows?

4-5 months in?

Anyway I'm not here to argue with you. I rather like you - we will just have to agree to differ on this one

euronorris

Zazen999 wrote: »

4-5 months in?

Anyway I'm not here to argue with you. I rather like you - we will just have to agree to differ on this one

I understand your viewpoint, but I've seen couples come back from worse when they'd only been together for a short time also. I've also seen people rush into marriage very quickly and feared it wouldn't last and then it did! lol. So, who knows?

I rather like you too! :rotfl: I've seen you give some great advice and suggestions before. So yes, let's agree to disagree on this one.

DVardysShadow

daz69kay wrote: »

zazen, go annoy some other person.... u dont know me, u shudnt even be on ere coz u dont agree with advice seeking on forums and u certainly dont help.
keep your opinions to yourself

Nobody knows you, so perhaps everyone should keep their opinions to themselves? Or you can just take the rough with the smooth.

SammiD

If you don't trust her then where is this relationship ever going to go? Trust is one of the main basic parts of a relationship, without trust you may as well have nothing.

My first long term boyfriend, who I was with for 5 years, was exactly the same. he accused me of cheating all the time, I NEVER gave him any reason to feel like this or to not trust me. I spent all my free time with him, the only time I left him was to go to work, so unless I was having it off with someone under my desk during work hours then god knows when i would have had the time to cheat on him! I never went out cos the hassle he used to give me if I even mentioned going out just made it not worth even bothering. I even used to get grief when I wanted to go and see family! Anyways, the point Im trying to make is it might have taken me 5 years but I eventually realised it was a dead end relationship that was destroying me slowly but surely and I had to get out. So I did, and I now resent him for how he treated me for all that time.

You carry on the way you are thats exactly what will happen with your girlfriend now.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

From someone who has experienced something similar.

1. Stop texting so much. It's annoying, embarrassing, makes her feel like you're checking up on her (which you are) and can get her in a lot of trouble at work. She does not have to jump to your demands for attention when she is at work.

2. Find another pub to harass the barmaid in. Because that is what it will feel like to her and how it will be interpreted by anyone who walks in there. 'I wouldn't go in that pub again, the barmaid's boyfriend is propped up at the bar supervising her every move, so you daren't even say thank you to her in case he kicked off. Must be a headcase to do that kind of thing.' And it will be annoying her that she can't even go to work without you hovering around her at all times.

3. 40 questions? 'What are you doing? Who are you talking to? Who was that person? Do you know him? Why did he look at you like that? Who did you speak to? Were there any men there? I bet you flirted with them, didn't you? Why lie, when I know what you're like? Why didn't you answer my texts? Why didn't you ask me if you could go out?'. You obviously do not appreciate how unpleasant and creepy that is.

4. Checking her phone - none of your business. You do not have the right to pick it up and look at it - whatever the excuse.

5. Nasty little snippy comments about talking on facebook. Her phone is monitored. She is watched all evening at work. Subjected to an Inquisition every time she is out of your control. You have already annoyed your ex by b!tching about her being on facebook and you try the same logic on your current GF.

6. Interpreting chatting as being 'flirty to men'. It doesn't mean she is telling them she is going to have sex with them in the toilets. It means she is talking to a person who, for a start, isn't monitoring her every move.

7. How dare you presume that she must ask your permission to go out or complain that she has contact with the father of her child? Not only is she an adult quite capable of making decisions herself, you have no right to make a fuss about her actions regarding the welfare of her child. A civil relationship with an ex makes a child's life better. And that's all there is to it. To create a fuss implies that you value your pride over the welfare of her child.


What you are doing is utterly wrong. You are right in realising that you need help, and hopefully you can make real changes at speed. However, as you have already behaved like this once (which is likely to by why your ex left you - not 'for a younger man' but 'because the control and nasty comments and questions got too much to bear'), I think it may take longer than that.

I hope you can get the help and stop such destructive behaviour, as it is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. You fear losing someone, so you behave in a way guaranteed to either drive them away or at worst, fall foul of most definitions of domestic abuse.

You need to stop now.

Good luck.