Passive Agressive partner

~N_I_K_I~

hi

thanks for all responses, i really appreciate all of them. to answer a few questions, we'v been together for 10 years. I have 1 dd from PR and he has 2 DD's one we have custody of. I feel i need to defend him a little based on some of your responses. He isn't violent and he doesn't tell me where I can and can't go. It's just a sulky feeling I get from him if i do go out and then a later argument over something petty.
I make a point of going out regularly, I have friends including male friends and I wear what I like. OH is very insecure and would like me to never leave his side but I've never allowed this to happen. He has a lot of flaws, we both know this. He has huge imtimacy issues which have got progressivly worse , I don't think this is as punishment. his mum cut off all affection when her boys turned six so from the age of six he was never kissed or cuddled. his wife of 20+ years left him for a younger man and yes I think he's emotionally messed up (as well as getting on a bit). I do recognise there are some instances of emotional abuse at times in our relationship but I'm not in any immediate danger and I really am so grateful for all of your advice and sharing and if anything I'm now on guard and will not be a victim. I'm not controlled and I'm not the type to do anything just to avoid conflict. i think our arguemnts are maybe more frequent because I'm aware that the kids won't be around for that many more years (15,16 & 19) so I am stamping a little independence. when it becomes just me and OH I'd like for us both to have time apart more often. There are good things about our relationship, we talk a lot (obviously not enough about the important stuff as he clams up) and we do a lot together (we have 2 festivals booked this year) and we have a lovely family and home. he makes me laugh and although he can't kiss me or cuddle me he does tell me that he loves me (we do have kisses & cuddles just never initiated by him). He picked me up from work on Tuesday apologised and had made dinner when i got home. This is his idea of displaying affection. The kids are out tonight, he's at the gym and we're going to talk when he gets back.



i know I'm one of those co-dependency types, I'll take in any animal/child/person and try make them better. I dont know why I'm like this. My parents have a strong marriage and had no abuse issues but it is something I will give more thought to.

I really hope this post doesn't feel like I'm throwing all the caring and support back in your faces. I was touched and I really needed it and I'm sorry if I appear ungrateful.

Thanks so much x

ninky_2

~N_I_K_I~ wrote: »

hi

I feel i need to defend him a little based on some of your responses.

niki this is absolute classic response from you. infact i was close to predicting that your next response would be to defend your partner.

you basically have two choices. either live with things the way they are or get out. do not expect to be able to change your partner or your relationship. absolutely NOTHING you can do or say will change the way things are with him.

of course he has his good points. that is not the issue. the issue is that as a couple you create a toxic situation. that's not to say you don't have good times. but overall you do not provide each other with the things that a healthy and happy relationship require.

don't forget thought that the future is in your hands. every argument that ends in tears you have chosen to be part of. every day you spend feeling small and worthless in your relationship you have chosen to spend that way.

ninky_2

~N_I_K_I~ wrote: »

hi

i know I'm one of those co-dependency types, I'll take in any animal/child/person and try make them better. I dont know why I'm like this. My parents have a strong marriage and had no abuse issues but it is something I will give more thought to.

why not start taking yourself in and making yourself feel better? like all addictions (and co-dependency is one on many levels) they serve a crucial purpose - allowing the addict not to face up to the other issues / problems in their life. by always having the excuse of the addiction (if only i didn't drink, if only i didn't end up in abusive relationships) it allows the person not to take responsibility for all the other problems people face.

the truth is that even if the addiction is 'cured', deep down the addict knows that life will be far from perfect - that they will have to deal with difficult decisions etc as we all do. however, by using the addiction as a mask they can avoid facing this reality.

Steel_2

NIKI my father has his good points too.

We have the same sense of humour so we can have a laugh. We enjoy the same hobbies and go to much the same places. He has a strong sense of duty and would never shirk his financial responsibilities for anything. BUT his behaviour 50-60% of the time is unacceptable. Over time this has overshadowed any of his good points. I now keep him at arms length to avoid being hurt 50-60% of the time and I do not trust him with information about myself or my life, although he is always poking and prying to find out.

Emotional manipulators have their good and bad points like everyone. If you are going to live with one, you must learn to defend yourself against their tactics to get what you need from the relationship. Do some searches on the net for information and there are plenty of good books out there about the subject (but don't let him find them. Keep them at work, not in the home, and read them during your lunch hour). You're going to have to learn a degree of emotional detachment and be able to recognise when you are being played. You will not be able to change him so put that idea out of your head right now. They do not believe there is anything wrong with them really, even though they may play a good game at pretending there is (it's usually in response to them having pushed you too far and them suddenly getting worried you'll leave)- they deep down believe there is something wrong with you.

But remember you have needs too and, unless this guy does an about face and the light of understanding suddenly dawns on him, you will not get them fulfilled in this relationship. Although I suspect you will keep on trying - a triumph of hope over experience if you like.

There are two other things. My sister married a man just like my father and has carried on the pattern of emotional manipulation in her life. My 14 year old niece is now just like her father and is an emotional manipulator too. It 'runs' in the family now and is the reason I will not have children. It stops with me. Second my mother and my sister have both told me that my father and BIL use sex as a weapon of control. I can't actually think about that much in relation to my family. It's too painful to imagine what they've put up with for all these years. The headaches, withholding affection, pretending half way through sex they've suddenly gone off the idea, commenting on their physical appearance as the reason they don't want to carry on...you get the picture. Not violence but control that chips away at the core of their self-esteem.

I do not like or love my father or my BIL for what they've done, but I tolerate them for the sake of my sister and mother who want to pretend to the outside world we have a happy normal family life. In truth it's been shattered for years.

euronorris

Steel wrote: »

His mother frequently had rows with his father, who she believed was lazy and weak, and left to stay with friends although she always returned after a few weeks.

Sounds just like my ex's mother! She did leave his father properly and married someone else, but then repeated the same pattern with him and ran off to her ex husband (his dad) every other month or so.

As far as I am aware, she's still repeating this pattern. And I remember she sat there one time, trying to justify her actions (it was all 'what about me, me, me'), and my ex was agreeing with her!! Resulted in an argument and was the start of the end for me and my ex.

I started to look more closely at his behaviour with me and recognised so many similarities between him and his mother. I knew he was cheating, but didn't want to believe it, and the same goes for the controlling behaviour.

We broke up not long after that and he could never understand why I had a problem with it, as his Mum's behaviour had effectively told him that this was normal and OK.

Steel_2

euronorris wrote: »

Sounds just like my ex's mother! She did leave his father properly and married someone else, but then repeated the same pattern with him and ran off to her ex husband (his dad) every other month or so.

As far as I am aware, she's still repeating this pattern. And I remember she sat there one time, trying to justify her actions (it was all 'what about me, me, me'), and my ex was agreeing with her!! Resulted in an argument and was the start of the end for me and my ex.

I started to look more closely at his behaviour with me and recognised so many similarities between him and his mother. I knew he was cheating, but didn't want to believe it, and the same goes for the controlling behaviour.

We broke up not long after that and he could never understand why I had a problem with it, as his Mum's behaviour had effectively told him that this was normal and OK.

To anyone else reading Euronorris comments and thinking "huh?" I actually edited my post and removed that information while Euronorris was posting!

Basically, my father's behaviour stemmed from my grandmother's constant poor behaviour where she would leave my grandfather for her former husband. Yo-yoing back and forth between the two until my father at 11 threw an almighty paddy for a few months and made her life living hell until she returned permanently and cut all contact with the former husband.

An emotional manipulator par excellence at 11.