Passive Agressive partner

Sarsie

You can't manage his behaviour, you are not responsible for him.

I have heard it said that alcoholism is a way of avoiding responsibility for your life, which is harsh, but undoubtedly has a fair measure of truth in it. Again what he is doing without the alcohol- this passive agression if you like- is deferring responsibility for his actions onto you. Children do this, not independant adults.

He could have some excellent excuses for this behaviour (child abuse is the classic) or he could deny it totally and use the deflection of last resort always open to the desperate which is "you're mental" but that wont make any difference to the fact that he is STILL not taking responsibility for himself. If you get bogged down in that however it will detract attention from the central issue, which is him and his own management of himself.

All human beings in relationships are at some point unreasonable and stroppy. I do it, my current partner does it, every partner I've ever had did it, we all do it. The thing is how much we do it. You're telling us your boyfriend is sulky all the blasted time and there's basically not a damn thing you can do right, that's not fair on you. A relationship has to be fair to both sides overall or it's not going to work. A 24hr long tiff about whose fault it is the bin wasn't put out every now and again is normal, the constant rejection of you by him and his unfathomable demands which you can never meet are not!

People will tend to pick partners with a certain amount of cross over to thier parental figures (although far from carban copies to be fair), so for example I prefer my men calm and hard to rile because I learned from my first father figure that this was nice and I liked it a lot, however from my second father figure (I had two) I learned that men are sometimes creepy little perves (the Benny Hill generation) and so although on one level I trust my boyfriend with my life, on another I still expect him to be lewd and watch him like a hawk for it. My sister, who had the same father figures, took things a different way, so for exaple she expects conservatism (with a small c) in her partner (he is a person who many might find dull). We all do it to a degree, it's if we recognise it or not.

It's quite possible that your boyfriend is expecting the same from you as he felt from his mother, coldness, rejection, unreasonability etc. In that case there isn't a lot you're going to be able to do to influenc him for the better. A lot of women take on men like they'd take on rescue puppies only to find a rescue puppy will trust you 12 months from now but a human is a darn site harder to fix. Although I highly recommend rescue puppies as the best pet you'll ever have, the best advice for humans is definately find one you don't need to fix at all.

If he was open to going to counselling then he could come to realise how his perception of relationships has become skewed and he could be aided to work towards a happier future for himself. I think though that his total lack of responsibility for himself at all means he will go up like a firework if you even mention counselling. You could lay it out there as a final resort if you wish, nothing unreasonable about that as long as you're talking couples counselling and so it'll apply to you both equally. I would resist the temptation though to dress this up as you wanting help for your alledeged insanity (you're not insane, and be very clear to yourself that you will not listen to such accusations because otherwise you will start to develop issues you previously did not have). If you're going to get through to this man at all the only way to do so is to turn over a new leaf immediately and from now on refuse to take responsibility for his reactions, only for your own actions. So when he says "I'm ignoring you because YOU didn't... [whatever]" you say, "I did not [whatever]. However your reaction to that event is not my responsibility. You are your own person."

For all of that though, whilst you can give it a go, I would say you're onto a loser here. This one's too far gone for you to help and so your choice is stark.
1. Stay as you are and end up doubting your own sanity (please believe me when I tell you this is no life, you will end up unwell for real with a condition such as c-PTSD, low self esteem, depression or Stockholm Syndrome, just for starters, all of which can result in your death.)
2. Make every effort to hold a mirror up to this mans unwillingness to take responsibility for himself and encourage him towards the tools he needs to live a happier life (I don't think it's likely you can do a lot with him as he may be too far gone but there is nothing to be lost but your time in trying to).
3. Accept that his actions are his own, that you are not at fault for them and that you do not owe this man anything emotionally (even though by now you will no doubt feel you do) and walk away in an honourable and gracious way (i.e. not by cheating or a throwing-plates type fight etc.)

Another thing to consider is, are you repeating a pattern? Did you feel you had to serve your Dad emotionally, or perhaps you felt guilty and as though you needed to make up for something. Maybe your Dad had similar problems such as alcoholism and you wished you could help him. If you can link what you are accepting in this relationship to your experiences with your parents or to your past relationships you have more chance of stopping a pattern in it's tracks so your next relationship is healthier. If there isn't an obvious pattern then I would say to still have a good hard look at why you accept this from him, this situation is not good for either of you.

peachyprice

maggied wrote: »

I used to be with someone like this (not as extreme, granted) - forever watching what I was doing, saying, how I was spending my time - and quickly, what I was wearing, who I was speaking to, who I mentioned in conversation. Because it became part of the relationship it didn't even seem that abnormal at the time.

Sounds just like my first husband

daska

What a nasty piece of work. What you've described is abuse and you should end this relationship immediately.

Zazen999

Personally, I wouldn't try and justify his behaviour by calling him passive aggressive.

He's just a control freak who is playing mind games with you.

He will not change and you need to make him your ex-partner.

If you think it's bad now, it will only get worse.



The reason that you won't want to leave is not because you don't want to leave, it's because he is chipping away at your self-esteem until he is sure that you think so little of yourself that you won't leave. That's what they do.

Please get out whilst you still can.

Sarsie

Niki I've just reposted something here that I put in a totally different forum a while ago. It occured to me that it might be of interest to you but it's off at a tangent a bit I didn't want to deflect from your topic so I made a new topic. That topic is here.

Money_maker

Looking back at your previous posts, you have done your best, you have tried so hard but what an awful creature he is.

Your post from early december:
The begging and crying started on wednesday.
He said he wouldn't carry on living without me.
He wants help but if I'm not there he doesn't have the strength.
Scared, ashamed, suicidal, sorry... all those things, I've gone back. we're going to the AA tomorrow at 8pm.
I feel like I've been quite weak in the past, issued ultimatums and not stuck with it.
This is the very last chance.
I've had some very long talks with my DD she's poured out what she thinks and feels ans she seems happy to be back with her stepsister.
I've never been this honest and open with the kids before and I can see its the best way to be.
She told me last night of all the things she's scared might happen and I told her that we will leave if any of them do.
I had to do this but it really is last chance. I'm dubious about the festive season so if any of it starts again I'll leave.
Thanks for all your advice, Its all stored inside of me. I'm sorry I just haven't followed it although I know I still may need to.
I'd like to still post progress.
x

How many last chances?
There was much good advice given then.

kelloggs36

Leave him - now. He has made it clear that he does not love you - he wouldn't speak to you like that if he did. Some people are just plain cowards and will be horrible to somebody so that they leave rather than end the relationship themselves. \call it a day and go.

shell_girl

At the risk of sounding like a stuck record, I'm going to recommend that the OP google's Pat Craven and the freedom programme... to keep things MSE you can read the first two chapters of the book online. Second thread this evening I've posted the same suggestion on... I promise I'm not on commission lol. But please OP- do have a look.

Steel_2

This man is not passive aggressive. He is a controlling nasty little bully.

And he's getting you right where he wants you.

Every criticism destroys a piece more of your self-esteem until he gets a meek worn-down person who does everything he wants her to so confrontation and hysterics are avoided. Every round of silent treatment teaches you to tow the line or else. He witholds intimacy and physical affection from you to control and frustrate you. He pretends everything is your fault to shift the blame and confuse you. Eventually you end up thinking that it must be your fault and that he is right.

He loves only himself. You are being controlled, manipulated and bullied. Please be strong and make the break.

On what planet does this guy think he's a prize? He must be very sure that you'll stay with him and continue to soak up the abuse for him to be so continually nasty.

Do any of these ring a bell for you?

• Gaslighting - mind games that make you doubt your sanity
• Playing with history - rewriting things that happened so they look good or you look bad. Often pretending they have no memory of an incident and you made it up.
• Changing the subject - they talk over you, interrupt you, shout over you, ignore you when you speak
• Accusing you - to hurt you, shock you, to throw you off balance, sometimes blatant sometimes implied.
• Projecting - you'll be accused of faults or feelings they have
• Undermining and insulting - chisel away at your self esteem to gain control of you
• Blame shifting - it's your fault/the postman's fault/the mechanic's fault. Never theirs.
• Stock phrases - "You made me do it" "I never thought I'd see the day when a daughter of mine..."
• Reward and punishment - could be material possessions and money or a smile and their approval
• Creating camps - to create an outcast and gather support from others against them
• Lying - blatant or subtle, sometimes exaggeration of an incident.
• Dredging up the past - surprising how much detail can be remembered from 10/20/35 years before and then thrown in your face
• Putting you on the defensive - distorted facts, skewed logic so you end up having to defend yourselves
• Invoking fear and anxiety - so you're too scared to speak up and want to keep the peace so they get away with their nastiness
• Being a martyr - they're always the victim, YOU'RE the bully
• Demanding rewards - usually for things that normal decent people do, like being nice, kind or courteous
• Isolating you - by guilt, anger, rage, turning people against you, poisoning them against you
• Creating self doubt - every mistake you make is jumped on and used to support their arguments that you don't know what you're doing
• Making you their dumping ground - you're being used as a verbal or physical punchbag for no apparent reason, they just feel like it
• Meaningless apologies - so they can get things back to 'normal' and do nasty things to you again
• Using children - used to hurt you and as a new victim for their games as well.

They are the classic signs of a emotional controller.

Zazen999

I'm afraid that this will be another thread where every single person says leave him, and the OP will never work it out and will just keep posting these types of threads ad infinitum. How terribly sad.