Passive Agressive partner

~N_I_K_I~

I think I’ve just realised that my partner is passive aggressive. I believe that we love each other and I don’t want to leave but feel so unhappy and confused.
We’re still not speaking to each other after Saturday’s argument (arguments are now frequent and tend to be followed with days of silent treatment). Latest argument started because I asked if we could talk about our lack of intimacy (twice this yearL) he stood up and said “you are a complete moron and you’ve been acting like one for two weeks now” left the room slammed the door. I didn’t try to retaliate.
Next morning I asked him to explain what he means. He says the fact that I can’t even see why my behaviour is moronic is testament to just how big a moron I am! I honestly honestly cannot think of anything during the past two weeks which has been different, in fact I thought things were better than normal. At this point I get soooooo frustrated and hurt and confused I’ll cry and shout and then he says I’m “a nutter who just makes mountains out of molehills over everything” or “I think I’m bloody perfect and can’t take criticism”

I don’t like criticism, I know this about myself. But I do try really hard to please him so his criticisms always seem more like nitpickings or like having everything thrown in my face.

I tried a calmer approach for what he meant by the moron thing. This time he says that I was being cold and unaffectionate (honestly if you knew him you’d laugh at this, the last time we were intimate he said he would after a snack so I had to sit and wait. He’s NEVER approached me for a kiss or a cuddle). So in retaliation of my coldness he has apparently been deliberately colder over the last two weeks and I haven’t even noticed and that shows just how uninterested I am in him…..confused??????? I gave loads of instances of affection I’d offered and said that he’d obviously been playing his own mind game with me for two weeks but this just wasn’t getting me anywhere and I’m tired of it.

Funny thing is, I know what this is actually about. It’s because I stayed at my mums until 10pm the previous Wednesday and it annoyed him because he doesn’t like me going out and leaving him alone. He sulked from Wednesday until his outburst on Saturday and I knew it was coming.

He’s also an alcoholic although this is more controlled lately.

So, how do I deal with these stupid situations?

ninky_2

get out now. this is a horrible relationship. if you love each other you'll stop putting each other through this and move on.

Gingham_Ribbon

What's good about this relationship?

What do you think it will be like in a year's time?

what would you like to be doing in the future?

How does your partner fit into that?

Is he getting help for his illness?

Primrose

NIKI - Maybe you cope with this relationship by seriously asking yourself whether these situations will ever change, recognising that they may never, and you get out of the relationship before it destroys you. Your partner sounds emotionally inadequate and may even have some degree of personality disorder if he can't cope with being intimate. If he's an alcoholic as well, your long term future together is going to suffer a very rocky ride. Is this something you're prepared to live with indefinitely? Very few alcoholics change their ways, even if they have periods where they go easy on the bottle for a short time.

ClareEmily

It’s because I stayed at my mums until 10pm the previous Wednesday and it annoyed him because he doesn’t like me going out and leaving him alone. He sulked from Wednesday until his outburst on Saturday and I knew it was coming.

Get out of there NOW

McKneff

Nothing worse than a sulker, its childish to say the least.

I would let him sulk alone, forever.

Fang_3

Nail him to the backdoor and beat him with a wet mop until he caves. Then he'll stop being passive.

katsclaws

Hello Niki, Please listen to the replies you have had. He will not change. You deserve better.

katsclaws

maggied_2

Fang wrote: »

Nail him to the backdoor and beat him with a wet mop until he caves. Then he'll stop being passive.

Fang I think I slightly love you.

Niki - I'm sure that you know this is not a healthy relationship. I used to be with someone like this (not as extreme, granted) - forever watching what I was doing, saying, how I was spending my time - and quickly, what I was wearing, who I was speaking to, who I mentioned in conversation. Because it became part of the relationship it didn't even seem that abnormal at the time.

You're a grown woman - you are allowed to go out until 10pm without tip-toeing round waiting for the fallout for several days afterwards.

How long have you been together? Do you live together? Do you have children?

I'm afraid from what you have said here that you would be so much better off out of this relationship.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Leave him. Let him drink himself to death. He's using affection as a means of control. Addicts are experts at this, as it makes it easier for them to justify their behaviour by proving you are so horrible, it's only natural that they should have to reply on their substance to get through the day.

Of course, there is also the likelihood he's unable to perform. The alcoholic tends to be rather poorly endowed and with limited function after a few years. It's all the oestrogen rushing through their veins. Does he have moobs too?

And the odds on him being 'more controlled'? More like 'better at hiding it' or 'alcohol tolerance is so high now that he could drink enough to kill a woman before lunchtime without even noticing a tiny bit'. Oh yes, and 'has probably switched to vodka so you think he is sober'. We could always throw in the 'and is going senile because of Korsakoff's/brain damage due to repeated unsupervised withdrawals over the years'

It's probably all building up to a massive binge where he just doesn't stop drinking at all until he runs out of your money or is arrested/hospitalised/dead.

It's gonna all be your fault. You made him do this. It's your fault he needs to drink because, of course, an alcoholic only drinks when unreasonable people force them to do so. [in case you aren't sure if I'm serious - that's the drunk talking, not me]

if you leave, he'll probably be aggressive aggressive, then sob and cry and beg, then get aggressive aggressive again. Until either he gets you back under his control or you have made yourself a real life away from his demands and threats and punishments.

You'll be a lot happier in the long run if you acknowledge he loves his drink more than you.



I'm truly sorry I am speaking to you like this.

sueeve

In what way is he your partner? A partnership includes a relationhip where people work together. I don't think you have a partneship to get out of, just a physical proximity. If it is simple the two of you, no children, it should be straigtforward. What other ties are there? Financial etc.