Passive Agressive partner

luxor4t

maggied wrote: »

... I'm sure that you know this is not a healthy relationship. I used to be with someone like this (not as extreme, granted) - forever watching what I was doing, saying, how I was spending my time - and quickly, what I was wearing, who I was speaking to, who I mentioned in conversation. Because it became part of the relationship it didn't even seem that abnormal at the time......

peachyprice wrote: »

Sounds just like my first husband /QUOTE]

And like my first. Please go to a place of safety, now.

It took me 3 years to go & I've never, ever regretted going.

NJW69

Do you think there is any positive way out in this relationship that will give you what you need and want?

Nobody else other than you can decide this.

If the answer is no then you have serious decisions to make and it won't be easy but it sounds like your life isn't too happy at the moment anyway.

If the answer is yes than see where you can get support and help both individually and as a couple to sort this out and stop the behaviours that are unacceptable to either of you.

I'm taking this stance as it's always easy to comment from outside but it is only you who can make the judgement call and bring to bear any action required.

Trust in your instincts.

I wish you well.

shell_girl

Zazen999 wrote: »

I'm afraid that this will be another thread where every single person says leave him, and the OP will never work it out and will just keep posting these types of threads ad infinitum. How terribly sad.

Maybe so... who knows? But 25% of women reading this thread will at some point in their lives experience a partner who wants to exert power and control over them. It costs us nothing to give the OP the information and the tools she may need to make an informed decision about what she wants to do.

I've recently supported a woman who has spent the last 25 years trying to get out... has left 3 times previously and been bullied/ persuaded/ co-erced back. Should I have stopped supporting her when she didn't leave straight away? I know she expected me too. She put up with an extra 4 years of abuse, humiliation and fear because she had been offered help last time, and didn't think anyone would be interested in helping her after she'd gone back. She thought she had made her bed...

The OP needs to know that she won't lose the support of this forum if she wants to stay.

As an aside, the 'average' abused woman will try and leave her partner 7 times before she actually does it. About a third of Women's Aid work is done with women who choose to stay. No one's saying to the OP 'You MUST leave'... if she doesn't leave she's not a failure.

KimmyCustard

He's a toad. Been there and done that with an ex, he loved beer and would do anything for it, more than he loved me. I waved goodbye and he was later arrested for clumping his next girlfriend.

Leave him sweets, he isnt worth it and you are.

x

Sarsie

shell_girl wrote: »

The OP needs to know that she won't lose the support of this forum if she wants to stay.

Good point.

Niki you'll hear no derision or slight from me if you can't make that break yet. That's not to say I think you should stay coz I've said what I wanted to say on that one, it is to say I am not gonna turn or get critical of you if you do.

Zazen999

shell_girl wrote: »

Maybe so... who knows? But 25% of women reading this thread will at some point in their lives experience a partner who wants to exert power and control over them. It costs us nothing to give the OP the information and the tools she may need to make an informed decision about what she wants to do.

I've recently supported a woman who has spent the last 25 years trying to get out... has left 3 times previously and been bullied/ persuaded/ co-erced back. Should I have stopped supporting her when she didn't leave straight away? I know she expected me too. She put up with an extra 4 years of abuse, humiliation and fear because she had been offered help last time, and didn't think anyone would be interested in helping her after she'd gone back. She thought she had made her bed...

The OP needs to know that she won't lose the support of this forum if she wants to stay.

As an aside, the 'average' abused woman will try and leave her partner 7 times before she actually does it. About a third of Women's Aid work is done with women who choose to stay. No one's saying to the OP 'You MUST leave'... if she doesn't leave she's not a failure.

I said it was sad, not that I would not support them or accuse them of being a failure; but we see so many on here that come back time and again with the same [although they think it is different] problem....it really IS terribly sad.

maggied_2

Steel wrote: »

This man is not passive aggressive. He is a controlling nasty little bully.

• Gaslighting - mind games that make you doubt your sanity
• Playing with history - rewriting things that happened so they look good or you look bad. Often pretending they have no memory of an incident and you made it up.
• Changing the subject - they talk over you, interrupt you, shout over you, ignore you when you speak
• Accusing you - to hurt you, shock you, to throw you off balance, sometimes blatant sometimes implied.
• Projecting - you'll be accused of faults or feelings they have
• Undermining and insulting - chisel away at your self esteem to gain control of you
• Blame shifting - it's your fault/the postman's fault/the mechanic's fault. Never theirs.
• Stock phrases - "You made me do it" "I never thought I'd see the day when a daughter of mine..."
• Reward and punishment - could be material possessions and money or a smile and their approval
• Creating camps - to create an outcast and gather support from others against them
• Lying - blatant or subtle, sometimes exaggeration of an incident.
• Dredging up the past - surprising how much detail can be remembered from 10/20/35 years before and then thrown in your face
• Putting you on the defensive - distorted facts, skewed logic so you end up having to defend yourselves
• Invoking fear and anxiety - so you're too scared to speak up and want to keep the peace so they get away with their nastiness
• Being a martyr - they're always the victim, YOU'RE the bully
• Demanding rewards - usually for things that normal decent people do, like being nice, kind or courteous
• Isolating you - by guilt, anger, rage, turning people against you, poisoning them against you
• Creating self doubt - every mistake you make is jumped on and used to support their arguments that you don't know what you're doing
• Making you their dumping ground - you're being used as a verbal or physical punchbag for no apparent reason, they just feel like it
• Meaningless apologies - so they can get things back to 'normal' and do nasty things to you again
• Using children - used to hurt you and as a new victim for their games as well.

They are the classic signs of a emotional controller.

Steel - I wish I'd read this 10 years ago - absolutely spot on.

How are you doing today OP?

emsywoo123

shell_girl wrote: »

Maybe so... who knows? But 25% of women reading this thread will at some point in their lives experience a partner who wants to exert power and control over them. It costs us nothing to give the OP the information and the tools she may need to make an informed decision about what she wants to do.

I've recently supported a woman who has spent the last 25 years trying to get out... has left 3 times previously and been bullied/ persuaded/ co-erced back. Should I have stopped supporting her when she didn't leave straight away? I know she expected me too. She put up with an extra 4 years of abuse, humiliation and fear because she had been offered help last time, and didn't think anyone would be interested in helping her after she'd gone back. She thought she had made her bed...

The OP needs to know that she won't lose the support of this forum if she wants to stay.

As an aside, the 'average' abused woman will try and leave her partner 7 times before she actually does it. About a third of Women's Aid work is done with women who choose to stay. No one's saying to the OP 'You MUST leave'... if she doesn't leave she's not a failure.

I really think this is a tremendous post shell, and I hope helps others and the OP. :T

Steel_2

maggied wrote: »

Steel - I wish I'd read this 10 years ago - absolutely spot on.

I wish I'd found it 10 years ago too instead of last August. Then I would have been able to see my father for what he really is and bypased a lot of pain. However, the man I married is the polar opposite of my father. He's

Kind
Thoughtful
Supportive
Complimentary
Gentle
Humorous
Broad-minded
Non-judgmental
Generous in soul and spirit
Responsible
Affectionate
Happy and fun-loving
Honest
Protective of me

So sometimes it can work out when you have an emotional manipulator in your life. They give you a benchmark of a level of behaviour NOT to accept

sandraroffey

i was married to someone like this for 37 years.

get out now. he has a mental condition and it gets worse. trust me.

we had five children and he treated them the same. why didnt i get out sooner?? they grind you down until their normal becomes your normal.

we all had to do as were told. i never went out, ever. teh kids, even when they were 17-18 had to be home by ten pm or he would go out looking for them. and drag them home.

in the end, one day, after he had been drinking himself into oblivion, i finally stood up to him and this time, i wouldnt back down and he didnt know what had hit him. normally if i had stood up to him he would start the threats, throwing stuff aound, punching holes in walls. chucking daggers into the floor and the table. the threats got worse until we agreed with him. then he would stop. 'i knew you would see sense in the end'

so this time, because i didnt give in no matter what he did, he tried to blow us all up with gunpowder. he did renactment so he had guns and gun powder. he threw the gunpowder all around the lounge carpet and was trying to find matches to light.

when my sister called the police, he waved a shotgun in her face.

he had behaved more or less in this manner for the whole of our marriage. except we all, always gave in to what he wanted just for a quiet life. a control freak, a bully. his way or no way. the whole world is against him. its everyone elses fault but his. blame shifting, keeping you short of money so you cant do anything or go anywhere. you know the rest i'm sure. just please dont let it go on for as long as i did. nothing will change. it will get worse. it is a condition that gets worse the older the person gets. my ex husband was diagnosed with some quite serious personality disorders but it took a spell in prison and several sessions with a shrink for him to finally tell the doc the truth and get a proper diagnosis. 'problem?? i havent got a problem!!!' we all had the problem apparently, for thinking that he had a problem.

get yourself out of there now. please. and to where he cant find you. i stayed where i was, i had a pub to run but when he came out of prison (got just 8months) even though there was an injunction in place to keep him away, he wouldnt leave us alone. threats carried on and on and he would come and sit outside the pub after we were closed when he wasnt supposed to coming within yards of the place, until in the end i had to run away. and it took him less than 3 months to find me. now thats determination!!! xxx