Marriage breakdown..when does it get easier?

mazinmouse

I'm so glad you're not going to resign - take your time. I'm sure the stress of worrying about work on top of everything else is racking up the old stress and reaction factors!

I wonder, if counselling is not really helping, whether something like time spent having a holistic massage would be more beneficial. I only say that because sometimes you can be overthinking things and really what the body needs is an opportunity not to think!

Speaking for myself there are times when I find myself sinking / spiralling deeper and deeper with all the thinking and really what I need is a something completely different. A massage is fantastic when you're under stress and most people find even an hour of time not spent worrying is hugely beneficial.

(I would take advice from your GP first, if this is something that you might consider, just to ensure that there wouldn't be any health reasons why you shouldn't have massage.)

I wish you the the very best of everything; and you keep your eyes forward looking towards the day when the really good things push all the rubbish stuff out of mind.

And you should have no problem sleeping after a massage!

Bobby1982

mazinmouse wrote: »

I'm so glad you're not going to resign - take your time. I'm sure the stress of worrying about work on top of everything else is racking up the old stress and reaction factors!

I wonder, if counselling is not really helping, whether something like time spent having a holistic massage would be more beneficial. I only say that because sometimes you can be overthinking things and really what the body needs is an opportunity not to think!

Speaking for myself there are times when I find myself sinking / spiralling deeper and deeper with all the thinking and really what I need is a something completely different. A massage is fantastic when you're under stress and most people find even an hour of time not spent worrying is hugely beneficial.

(I would take advice from your GP first, if this is something that you might consider, just to ensure that there wouldn't be any health reasons why you shouldn't have massage.)

I wish you the the very best of everything; and you keep your eyes forward looking towards the day when the really good things push all the rubbish stuff out of mind.

And you should have no problem sleeping after a massage!

Thanks for your post. I think you may well be right..it may well be the overthinking thats causing the problem. Im not sleeping hardly at all (some nights just awake all night and on rare night I do get some its only a few hours) so know things are not right as Im usually a good sleeper. Its hard to know if its psychological or due to the amount of medication im on.

I think ive been worrying alot about letting my staff down etc and its been making me feel worse, worrying about losing my job etc, all of its adding to the problems I have with my health and not helping me get better. Im going to try and let go of it a bit & just focus on getting better. Its hard though knowing my work need me back & are going to no doubt start pressuring again (already had a visit so far). Im having treatment so just hope they lay off the formal action & give me a bit of time to get well. I think thats all I need. A bit of breathing space to get better.

As for my ex, well its hard, but have agreed to finish the last part of the divorce, closure and all that and its what he wants so have agreed in the hope it may help me too.

I have some sleeping tablets for tonight although tried them the last few weeks & not helped much, going to give them a try tonight & hope that gives me a bit of sleep. Anything would be good! You start to go mad with no sleep :-(

Thanks very much for the support - will keep you posted. Will consider trying massage although I have to be careful with oils etc due to my allergies x

Steel_2

You have been through an awful lot but you are also putting the most tremendous pressure on yourself and your body to be 'normal' again too quickly.

Throughout your posts I can hear you lashing yourself with guilt and verbal abuse, which will be contributing to the way you are feeling. Being hard on yourself and horrid to yoursefd is really tiring. I used to be a perfectionist and lash myself with pressure constantly until I went down with chronic fatigue and depression from burning out. You need to find a way to carve a small amount of guilt-free time to yourself, a time when you refuse to let any nasty guilt-ridden thoughts into your head. You need to do this just to get some relief.

Some of the things I did included:

Morning pages - I would sit with a cup of tea and write three A4 pages. It was tough. Sometimes I had nothing to write in there but "I can't think of anything to write" over and over again but sooner or later the floodgates would open and I'd get all the bilge down on paper first thing. It left me a lot lighter for the rest of the day.

Vitmains and minerals - I wasn't eating properly which was making me feel worse. I planned all my meals carefully and started treating myself to good food cooked from scratch. I got some cooking books from the library and picked some lovely meals. I made sure I laid the table and put on some nice music. It helps you believe you are worth the effort.

Long pampering bubble baths - very difficult to pamper yourself when depressed because again you don't think you are worth it. Have as many as you need - even if that's two or three a day.

Exercise - nothing strenuous just walking sometimes helps. I used to take my digital camera out with me for walks. Got some lovely shots of things I'd never noticed before and started building a library of photos. Sometimes I'd contribute to forum threads and websites asking for shots. For Christmas and birthdays I'd get cards and gifts made with them from places like photobox.com

Comedies - I took out a lot of comedies from the video shop and library. I went right back to some of the oldies like Morecombe and Wise etc and worked through the decades.

'Done' list - at the end of every day I wrote down everything I had done down to the simplest task like brushing my teeth.

Please get your GP to sign you off for a set period of time if he hasn't already done so. The fact that your firm is pressuring you to return and have visited is just plain wrong and you need your doctor's help to stop it. Don't try and be brave when you're in with the doctor - just let it all out.

I hope everything works out for you.

Bobby1982

Thanks Steel for your advice..you really struck a chord with me reading your post. We seem to be very similar as you say with pushing ourselves. Ive often been told I do that, and heap the pressure on myself (counsellor said the same to me). I find it hard not to, worked so hard for the job im in and so wanted to achieve something in my life that ive thrown myself into it, especially since the split. It was like my way of proving I could do something with my life & for my own self worth. 3 years ago I was very worn out at work and my health was going downhill fast..ended up being off work long term and it was like my body had just given up, couldnt get well and it took months and months to get back to normal. I wasnt right for a long time. Before that, I was at the point of promotion, so I lost my place due to being off for many months. I spent the last few years building up again and got where I wanted to get. I threw myself even further in after the split..and it helped..until late last year when my health started to spiral again.

Thank you for your advice. Im going to try and follow it. I havent been out of my flat except for docs/hosp app's and because I feel so rotten I just hide away in here. I know thats probably not helping, but just feel so bad right now, pain is driving me nuts. Im glad ive got the MRI scan next week. Just wish my body would sort itself out, even a little.

My divorce should be complete in a day or two (signed the final part and given them to my ex). I thought best to let him have what he wants, try and move on. I feel very sad seeing him and handing them over today, but Its for the best, nothing I can do about it.

The support you have all given is such a help to me thank you x

Pee

Thinking of you.

It's not unusual for it to take a year. It was my decision with my ex and it still took that long. It's also hard when there is a new girlfriend, as even when you are over someone that can mess you up and make you feel like you want them back.

It must be particularly difficult with your health worries and colleagues can think that you are malingering or just be generally put out as they are doing your share of the work. It'll be fine when you get back there.

MyRubyRed

Bobby how are you?

Bobby1982

Hi Ruby, I am not doing too brill at the moment unfortunately. My health is plunging and have been in pain alot. My course of steroids for a month is now being tapered and it seems with each taper my body is going down. Im finding the past few days very little energy to even get out of bed, like a feeling after a flu bug when you are drained. Ive had to up the dose today just to have the energy to have a bath etc. Im due to see the doctor tommorow and am waiting on the MRI scan I had last week, although may take a while. I wish I knew what the problem was - get incredible pain in my ears, cheeks, jawline, inbetween my eyes/accross my forehead. It goes from acheing pain during the day and worsens at times with throbbing which at times reduced me to tears. I suffer with bad allergies and it all started following exposure to high levels of dust/paint fumes and had a nasty sinus infection treated with antibiotics, steroids etc. It jus continues though and the pain is immense. Some days I really cant take it. I have to take to bed several times a day (last few days pretty much all the time) because its stops me functioning. I manage to do things for short periods of time, say watch 1 program on TV or short time on the laptop, but anything too long makes the pain difficult to cope with.

Sorry...not looking for doctors..I know this is something that has to be sorted and my GP is a lovely man and doing what he can, sent me for MRI and im with an allergy/immune specialist who has given me treatment started Tuesday. Im just getting very tired and fed up of this daily pain and its affecting my life so much, cant work, cant do anything much at all. I feel life is passing me by. I keep trying to hope something will sort me out, but finding that alot of medications end up having so many side effects you feel worse such as with the steroids. I think my body has got to the point where its had that many pills thrown at it, no wonder its feeling weak.

I wish I knew why this wont clear up. Ive had a similar problem 3 years ago (hence why no sick pay) and it took ten months to get well, and even upon returning to work I wasnt full health for a couple of months. Im worried this will happen again, very much dont want that. Ive already been off 6weeks. I genuinely dont know why its going on so long & why I cant just be fine again. All the usual things arent doing the trick so I start to think maybe its something else..migraine or another type of headache issue. Its not just that though its facial/ears etc and so far diagnosed as 'severe sinusitus'. Its miserable. I feel no use to anyone right now, should be at work, and yet I can barely manage a bath or a trip to the doctors without feeling ive done a marathon.

As for the ex, well today would of been our wedding anniversary, but we are now divorced, the line is under it, doesnt feel easy but has to be done. My main concern is getting well & getting my life back to normal....keep praying but it aint happening.

Any good vibes you could send my way would be great cos im asking the 'man upstairs' and he isnt listening so far :-(

Bobby1982

Also just to say everyone who has replied to my post, thank you. Its very appreciated and good to have some advice as I am on my own an awful lot at the moment & it really helps. x

zzzLazyDaisy

You are still grieving, give yourself time, be gentle with yourself, and don't make any rash decisions.

Things will get better, even though it doesn't seem like it now.

Hugs

Daisy

Bobby1982

Thanks LazyDaisey, I really hope so, am trying to keep faith it will, but nights like tonight its hard to be able to. I cant sleep again. I just wish I knew what was wrong and why I cant seem to recover.