Marriage breakdown..when does it get easier?

Bobby1982

Hope its okay to post in here, but I feel so low right now. I split with my husband a year ago, not what I wanted but it happened and its been a really hard year. I have on- off health problems and severe allergies which cause infections and make like miserable. I had a flare up recently due to building work/painting being done in the office and Ive been off work on and off now for about 6 weeks. Ive just found out my ex has a new girlfriend and he is eager to get our divorce complete (nearly at the end of it). Ive found myself breaking down tonight and I cant go to sleep now. Im due at the hospital first thing and I just feel like nothing is going to get better for me. Im taking lots of painkillers and am on high dose steroids and feel like my body isnt my own at the moment as its made me bloated, gain weight and miserable. I know its stupid but spent the whole night crying because I miss him so much. He wants it all done and he doesnt want me back and so I guess I have to finish the divorce and let him have his life the way he wants it.

Ive found this past year very hard, each time I get up, I get knocked down healthwise and am on hardly any pay at the moment. I have a decent job but feel im letting people down not being there as Im a superviser and I honestly feel like the people I work with probably dont give a damn if im there or not. Had the odd text of a few of them in all this time, but thats all. People I guess arent very understanding when you have to keep taking sick time. I used to have a good circle of friends but the ones I do have left are busy alot working & with own lives and my best friend fell out with me over xmas as I wasnt well enough to attend a friends wedding. I was suffering with depression and was in a bad way at the time. She has cut all ties with me, so it feels like there is such a hole in my life.

Im trying to stay positive and trying to manage my money the best I can but It honestly feels as though things just keep rolling downhill. I worked very hard for my job and its quite pressured but I always liked it however stressful it could be, but my health seems intent on ruining my job too. Im due to see the specialist tommorow and awaiting an MRI scan & was hoping so much Id be well by now to go back to work, but I no im not up to it and will have to phone my boss tommorow and tell him, more letting people down.

Does life get easier after a marriage breaks down? I feel as though my body is giving up on me & just want some normality in my life again.

Im sorry to ramble on, probably not even the place to do it, but have to get it off my chest and this site has been so helpful to me since joining im very grateful.

jakem_2

I'M sending you {{{hugs}}}, things will get better, take one day at a time.
You have everything going on all at the same time, and cause you feel so low with the divorce, obviously you cant pick yourself up, plus your resistance is low with your illness.
Everything is looming over you, your friends have disappeared, so you feel worse.

Try and tackle one issue at a time, you cant handle everything all at once.

I have seperated from my OH, well I asked him to leave, and will be getting the ball rolling for a divorce, but I am the other side of the coin to you, I have never felt better, he has been gone about 6 weeks, and I am re-born.
I am working at my job, I come home and start clearing stuff to take to the dump, as eventually I will need to sell the house, so by doing a bit at a time will help me in the end.
Obviously my circumstances are different to you, but it will get better for you, cause at the end of the day you have to move on, you have no choice, just try and overcome one hurdle at a time.

Others will be along to give you support, they are a great bunch on here.

xmaslolly76

Bobby ((( Big Hugs))) yes it will get better but its a long hard process and you obviously have more to deal with than most. I left my husband so not quite the same as you but it was still a nasty shock to the system as i didnt want it really but there was no other way the relationship was destructive. I ended up spiralling into a depression that almost cost me my job which would have been a disaster as that would have threathened my home and my kids future. Jakem is right take one day at a time and you will get there and you will be a much stronger person for it all. I hope your feeling better soon and goodluck for the future :-) x

[Deleted User]

I am sending hugs too. I hope the following will help, but please forgive me if it doesn't. Obviously I'm not experiencing what u are, so I am feeling in the dark for things that might help. Obviously like everything on this website, they are suggestions only.

I wonder if rather than focusing on the things that are going so wrong (altho I know there are a lot of them) u can focus on the little things that go right. Its not doing u any good and it won't make the things that are going wrong, go right.., so is there a way u can focus more on the good things in your life, getting as small as u have to to find them. Jobs done around the house, little achievements, anything that goes right. Set yourself a goal each day.., something u can do., and pat yourself on the back when u do it cause its an acheivement, however small. Write it down in a diary but only write the good things in the diary so u have to find the good things. Its something that I've found helps because the problem with depression is it sort of perpetuates itself thru negative thinking.

Are there any website about your allergy problems that have forums that can offer support? Are there any complementary therapies u could maybe try (even if they don't actually work, they can help u feel better because of the more holistic approach to health). If u can find a school of complementary therapies, the cost would be reduced.

Can u find someone u can go to to talk.., counselling wise. U have had a lot happen, and its very difficult to adjust to this on top of your health problems.

Bufger

sounds like you never came to terms with the splitting up part and the whole thing has been a whirlwind since then. Most people cope in the following way: if its the Ex's fault then hate/anger etc can help you distance yourself and get a strong emotional barrier in place, if the cause was your fault then you have to learn to live with that, mistakes happen and you move on with your tail between your legs at first and just try harder on the next relationship.

Bobby1982

Thanks all for your kind replies.

I am trying to get help for my allergies, been at hospital today having tests and treatment options etc, had to stop my medication for 48 hours for this so its making me feel worse I guess. I just cant seem to sleep barely at all. The doctor gave me some tablets but even they dont do the trick, its like my mind doesnt want to shut down even when my body is so exhausted. My health has been constantly playing up since before xmas and Im on various different medications which have side effects, just make you feel so rubbish.

As for the ex, well things went wrong for us, wasnt just one thing, but I wanted to give things a go, he felt it was past that point and wanted to move on. Even with the time thats passed, it hurts knowing he is with someone and happy and wants our divorce complete. Ive seen a counsellor for a bit, she listened and it helped a bit, but I guess even though I know its over it still hurts so much and I miss him so much. This would put the final nail in the coffin so its tough.

Im trying to focus on getting well and things improving, little things like this site has been a great help with my money and managing etc. Right now I just feel like a overweight mess who cant seem to get well & who is clinging on to the marriage like some sad case. I know ive got to let go.

BitterAndTwisted

You will let go when you are able to but at the moment you have so many other things going on that might be preventing it. Even the medication you're taking might be having an effect on your mental state and that could be a double-complication. Have you gone back to your GP for a discussion about alternative medication which might agree with you better?

If you're not sleeping well perhaps some classes in meditation might help you. Some people find it really beneficial. Perhaps there are some yoga-for-beginners classes available too

ellay864

Bobby I really felt for you when I read this. I hope this doesn't turn into a long ramble and it might not seem encouraging to start with but please bear with me. My ex left me for someone else, more than 10 years ago now. I was totally devastated as I loved him so much and felt like my whole world was ripped apart. Our sons were just 7 and 5 and I have no family (mine or his) living near so I had no idea how I'd cope. I didn't have the health issues you're suffering with but I can totally identify with the feeling of loss when a marriage is ending that you wanted to last. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep and sometimes just running off to the loo at work to bawl my eyes out, usually triggered by something seemingly inconsequential. The ex and I had to be in contact cos of the boys and for a while we were quite friendly...sometimes I loved that, tho I know now I was hoping it meant he felt enough for me to give us another try. We did come close at one point, and I even made the mistake of sleeping with him when he was having a bad patch with the other woman. As you can guess, it came to nothing in terms of getting him back, and resulted in the most almighty of bust-ups from which we never recovered - we now barely speak to each other. I'll be totally honest and say it took a long time for me to 'get over it' - even 2-3 years after I could get very upset. But it DOES get better. I did get out and date a bit - nothing serious - and then 4 years after we split I met my OH and we're now engaged. I'm happy, I really am, but I would be a liar if I said I never thought about the ex, and tbh I do still wish it had worked between us, though I'd not swap my fella now for anything.
It is very hard - no point pretending it isn't - but you do have to let go and try to put your efforts into focussing on other things in your life.
I would also suggest asking your doctor again about your meds, even if it means asking to see a different doctor. Maybe some could be reduced/changed and that may make you feel a bit better. Is it worth going back to the counselling? Sometimes just having someone to let it all out to can be great. In the first few months I had loads of friends wanting to take me out to help cheer me up, but gradually they were busy with their own lives and even though we didnt fall out, it just tailed off a bit. I think they assumed that after about 6 months I'd be OK but I know that even a year is not a long time to deal with all the emotions. That's where a counsellor may be some help as they wont be rushing off to sort their own lives off, they won't judge. And you can even specifically talk about the fact that you know it's over but need help to cope with it. To a certain extent you have to grab hold of your own life and look for positives, even though they seem few and far between right now. It's also OK to still cry. If your husband had died nobody would suggest you shouldn't be grieving at this time. You ARE grieving for the loss of a marriage. Around the time my husband left, another friend lost her husband after a short illness. I felt guilty at being in such a state as I felt she'd gone through far worse, but she actually pointed out to me that all she was left with were wonderful memories. I felt even my memories of our marriage were tainted as I tried to analyse at what points he didnt feel the same as I thought he had. Also I had to see him all the time knowing he was building a new life with another woman, doing family holidays with our sons with her etc. My friend rcognised how difficult that was and that she was spared anything like that. So do appreciate you have gone through what is effectively a bereavment - you've lost someone you loved. And I really don't mean to offend anybody reading this who's been widowed - I'm not trying to compare in that sense, just pointing out that a loss of any kind still has to be dealt with and it's fine to let yourself do that.
Try to get yourself Ok physically first. Do you do any kind of exercise, even if just walking? I made myself get out and it sounds cliched but I really did feel better for it. Take yourself to new places with no connection to anything you did with him. Start to build up experiences that don't involve memories of things you once did with him. Try to maybe join a group, start evening class etc - anything to meet ne people and get new things in your life. You won't get rid of those other memories but you will have other things in your life.
I would love to say it's dead easy and you'll get over him in no time, but I can say it DOES get better. You know you do have to do this so thats a step in the right direction already. If you want to just let it out and need a shoulder PM me. Take care xx

Bobby1982

Thank you all for your replies & Ellay thank you for sharing your experiences. It does help to know Im not abnormal for being this way, sometimes feel I should just be over the whole thing. Sometimes I think I am, then I end up crying and missing him so much. Its like I know I cant do anything about it, other than to just draw a line under it, but as ridiculous as it sounds a tiny part of me cant help but wish something would make him change his mind. Just something. Ive tried to resolve things for a year now, but he doesnt want that, wants to just move on and now he has someone he is with and he wants an end to us for good. A big part of me wants to hang onto being his wife, but I know thats not going to get me anywhere. Its like some kind of safety net, like im still technically married and so I still have that, but I havent not really.

My doctor is a lovely man and supportive, but he does tend to just dole out the pills, and hope I guess Ill just get well. The specialist today had some options for me and treatment to try and help. I think the lack of sleep and the side effects of the steroids im taking are really adding to the way im feeling. Ive ballooned despite not eating much and feel very up and down daily. I wouldnt even want my ex to see me like this, he probably has some pretty new girlfriend and would probably look at me and think he was well rid. Ive put on a good stone since we split. Not exactly looking my best. Spending most of my time feeling rough doesnt help. I feel like my body is just giving up, my stomach is bloated and cramping (think due to the painkillers etc) and I dont feel like myself anymore.

Ive had to get in touch with my boss today as I still dont know when Ill be back, even going to the hospital today was such an effort. I have a good job ive worked really hard for and manage a team of people and right now I feel im no good to anyone. Im just letting them down by being off work so much, which is probably why they havent been in touch much. It may sound stupid but I keep thinking maybe I should resign, they are already trying to take steps re: my attendance and the pressure of that and knowing im letting my staff down is too much. Im not on much money (just SSP) but am getting by just about by being careful.

Im sorry to be so depressing, I really dont want to be this way, I just want the tide to change, even to just feel better. I look at my life over year ago and I had a lovely home, husband and friends id known years and now Im in a 1 bed flat, my closest friend has cut ties and I havent got anything. I miss her and have tried to contact her, but she was angry I didnt go to a friends wedding (was suffering depression) and she doesnt reply to my texts so I gave up.

ellay864

Sounds like your specialist may be of more use, and if you can get your health sorted, especially given your concerns re work, it will take that bit of pressure off. Without wishing to sound nasty I have to say that for a 'closest friend' she doesn't sound like much of a friend. Maybe you should copy some of what you've told us here and put it in a letter to her so she can see just how much you're hurting, not just down the to marriage but also to losing her friendship. Did the friend whose wedding you missed get upset at you? If she was OK about it then theres no reason for your friend to hold it against you all this time
You dont need to apologise for being depressed, nor is it silly to wish he'd change his mind. But as you know deep down that isn't going to happen you need to find new things to focus on. It will happen, I promise

[Deleted User]

I do understand how u are feeling and am wondering if the suggestion of yoga or meditation might help. I still think that counselling would help too. Sending u lots of hugs hun x x x