Marriage breakdown..when does it get easier?

BitterAndTwisted

Please don't consider resigning from your job until you've investigated what the consequences might re your entitlement to JSA/IS or whatever. It's my understanding that your employers might not be able to make you redundant while you're off sick as that could be victimisation.

Bobby1982

ellay864 wrote: »

Sounds like your specialist may be of more use, and if you can get your health sorted, especially given your concerns re work, it will take that bit of pressure off. Without wishing to sound nasty I have to say that for a 'closest friend' she doesn't sound like much of a friend. Maybe you should copy some of what you've told us here and put it in a letter to her so she can see just how much you're hurting, not just down the to marriage but also to losing her friendship. Did the friend whose wedding you missed get upset at you? If she was OK about it then theres no reason for your friend to hold it against you all this time
You dont need to apologise for being depressed, nor is it silly to wish he'd change his mind. But as you know deep down that isn't going to happen you need to find new things to focus on. It will happen, I promise

Hi, I tried to explain to her in an email and have tried to get in touch since December when the wedding took place. I had been suffering with depression since October last year, it crept up on me & I went to the doctor to get help, but the anti-d's ended up making me worse and it came to a head a xmas time when I couldnt leave the house. The friend whose wedding it was had been a friend for many years & the wedding was a small do because they wanted to have a really posh castle etc. I went to the hen weekend in November & ended up trying to cover up how I was feeling because I didnt want to spoil her hen weekend (but my other friends knew it was the depression & I wasnt in a good way, crying all the time). I kept this from the friend who got married (maybe should have told her sooner but I honestly didnt want to be the selfish mate putting a dampner on things so I just pretended I wasnt feeling well and my other friends knew the truth. Although I had every intention on going to the wedding, two days before I just couldnt leave the house. It was 22nd December and I texted my friend to tell her I couldnt go & let my other friends know also. I did then follow it up by explaining it all but I fully understand it probably came as a total surprise to her and must of been upsetting. The friend whose wedding it was has not been in touch, not replied to my letter or email and not heard anything. My other friend, the one who has fallen out with me basically told me I should of made myself go, gave me the tough love type thing & said that I'd have to do alot more than apologise and offer to pay costs etc as the bride was planning on ending her friendship with me. I dont really want to say this, but I feel I have to, to explain how bad I was at the time, xmas eve following more texts from the friend I got taken into hospital. We have had no contact since, ive tried to explain the state I was in and that I would never let a friend down 2 days before the wedding if I wasnt in a very bad way. But not heard a word from either of them. Fortunately the other close friend I had chose not to take sides and has stayed in touch, but she has a very busy job and I dont see her often. I know what I did must of been upsetting letting her down, but what hurts is Ive known these friends 15 years and I thought they knew me better than to think I would do that unless I had no choice. I couldnt even leave my flat. Ive texted a few times but not heard anything & honestly think both friendships are over. My counsellor felt my friend should of tried to understand, that giving me 'tough love' was not a good thing to do, and she said perhaps she wasnt the friend I thought. I miss them both though, really do. Wish I could make up for missing the wedding, but I cant.

Bobby1982

I dont want to make the rash decision to resign, but feel that Im leaving my staff without a manager and have had 3 spells of sick leave just since xmas for several weeks at a time due to my health problems. They have visited me last week & im getting help from the Union as the infection was caused by a reaction I had to painting & building work going on around us daily at work. The union are doing what they can for me, but I know that at some point its going to reach the point theres only so much they can do due to my absence. I feel as though my team probably are fed up with it too, not heard much from them. Its hard because if they are ill I always do my upmost to stay in touch, even before I was manager, but I get the impression because ive been off so much lately they are sick of it. I understand that but feel ive got no support there as noone wants to deputise for me as they find the job to be too much hassle/targets etc. The one person who was depping for me, decided they didnt want to continue (it is stressful/pressured & deputys dont get paid much) I worked very hard to get the promotion and build up the team, but now im just letting them down

Bobby1982

deannatrois wrote: »

I do understand how u are feeling and am wondering if the suggestion of yoga or meditation might help. I still think that counselling would help too. Sending u lots of hugs hun x x x

Thanks. I did book for the counsellor to come over the other week, but although she is nice and understands the situation im in, she doesnt really have much advise to give. She understands what im going through, but what can she do, not really anything. She helped me talk about my ex etc and try and deal with it, but deep down im still a mess.

bank_of_slate

Hi Bobby, You're obviously under immense amounts of stress and pressure and that is going to affect your health and exacerbate existing conditions even more!
Have your company got an occupational health department? Could you maybe return part time to ease yourself back into work?
...Linda xx

skintdragon

Chin up; you will get plenty of moral support on here.

Sorry to hear about your health problems and your marriage.

May I ask what you do for a living? Would it be at all possible to work from home? I know it's not always appropriate but if you suggested it, it may come across as you being keen and willing to do your job despite not feeling well. Obviously, take things slowly.

I know you're probably in a catch- 22 situation, but sometimes you may (or not) find that keeping yourself busy (like working from home) will help keep your mind stay relatively focused.

I cannot compare my circumstance to you but I have also been feeling a bit down in the dumps lately and my self- esteem has taken a big bashing; my confidence is at an all time low. But I have a dissertation to submit and I am trying (being the operative word!) to forget about the bad things... I cannot afford to waste my energy on feeling sad. It is draining me.

I keep telling myself not to waste my energy on negative things. Sometimes it helps.

Keep us posted, and remember to take one day at a time. :A

ecleeconfused

Not much to add except don't worry so much about what people at work are thinking about you. Generally I would imagine they are sympathetic about the fact you are going through a really rough time and giving you some space to sort yourself out. Its ok to fall apart a bit when things get out of control! Now you need to go easy on yourself and focus on one achievable goal. The rest will follow. )
take care
x

Bobby1982

Thanks all for the support, really am grateful.

Im thinking about what to do about work, dont want to make a rash decision, especially when Im not feeling that level headed right now with all the medication, but think maybe I need to look at changing my life, because so far its not working well for me.

Im a manager, for a target driven company, very pressured and alot of targets. Ive worked hard for many years in the job and am proud of it, but lately my health has been so bad. I feel im letting people down and losing my reputation ive worked so hard for.

[Deleted User]

hiya Bobby.., I had a friend who I thought was a really good friend. When I was severely depressed, we talked on MSN and about three times she told me to pull myself together. On those occasions it worked. But I was very severely depressed so it didn't last forever (the bucking up). I split with my OH who was rather manipulative.., and became seriously suicidal. It was constantly on my mind. I had a big row with my ex who was to be honest, fairly cruel and accused me of things I hadn't done. I was very upset that he could think this of me but at the same time felt the fact that he could meant I was even worse than I thought and was going to kill myself .., but wrote to my friend saying I could not contact my ex but could she pass x y and z on to him (things that were to do with my son). I was totally determined to kill myself, unemotional about it, just was trying to organise things. She basically told me to stop mailing her and go ahead and do it. It was enough to make certain the suicide attempt which did happen. It made me feel more 'wrong' knowing someone wanted me dead. And even now I can't believe a 'friend' could be that lacking in understanding. I didn't expect soft words but I think, even now, a couple of years later.., it was uncalled for. I have not spoken to her since altho she has tried to contact. I nearly died (altho I didn't) and she helped it on its way.

I'm afraid friends are human beings, not always helpful and sometimes can be the opposite of what u think a friend should be. Its best to drop people like that I'm afraid.., a friend should have enough compassion to understand our weaknesses.., otherwise they aren't friends. If they can't help, I'm afraid its all to possible they become part of the problem.

And yes, it is possible to climb back from that state of mind and enjoy life to its fullest again.

MyRubyRed

Hi Bobby ...please please don't resign from your job. I think you'd be making a big mistake. You've already said that you have worked hard in your role for a number of years and you should be proud of your achievements and the job you do. You aren't letting your team down, you just are unwell. Re your team, it could be that they just don't want to intrude and allow you the time to recover. You've got a hell of a lot going on love and like most of us you ain't superwoman. No one is.
Re your friends, my advice would be to let that rest for a while.
XXX