"Friend" hassle

top_drawer_2

hello,

I have a problem with a "friend" in that she has borrowed something from me and although I have asked her for it back awhile ago and again on Thursday she hasn't returned it. I dont believe she is intending to steal it/keep it just that she is self-centred etc.

I asked her when I visited her house for a brew and she said yes she would put it aside, there was no rush so I said OK. I've seen her since and she didnt bring it. On Thursday I went out (first time in a long time) and needed this item so I texted her asking for it back, she replied saying that she was home at her parents at the minute but when did I need it. I said Saturday and she said she would ask her housemate to bring it round (she lives very close) but the other girl didnt and I had to go without.

To complicate matters further this person has borrowed a number of items - some as far back as October and I have mentioned it but she never brings them when we're meeting. In addition to this, I say "friend" as more and more recently I have found it to be a very one-directional friendship; last saturday she turned up on my doorstep asking if I was free to go to the hospital as she had fallen and wanted checking at A&E. She had also sent me a text (not mentioning that she wanted to go hospital, just was I free).

Yet each time I have asked her to do something for me she's busy etc .... I asked her to go round one night as I had a male prospective housemate coming round and wanted to be careful. She texted 20 mins before saying she was on the phone with her other friend who was very upset and couldnt leave her. I also had a difficult incident to deal with and asked if I could go round for a chat (just needed a friend really) but she said (by text) she was busy at the moment and her other friend was coming round later on. She never got back to me later that day either.

Lol I think I've just realised I just have to stop bothering with her, she's a waste of time. Any further advice though.

Ta

Ladyhawk

Sorry - but she doesn't sound much like a friend to me!

Could you pop round to her to collect the item? And then just stop doing stuff for her? i appreciate this can be difficult for some people (not for me though!)

thorsoak

She is not behaving like a friend - either go round and ask for your things back and tell her you will not be available for her in the future - or if you can't bring yourself to do that - programme your phone so that all her calls/text messages go to ignore.

ManOnTheMoon

Sometimes we have to wean ourself away from certain people and this sounds like this kind of time as it will only be detrimental to you if you let this continue in the same way.

ThursdayNext_2

A few of the incidents you've mentioned seem to be somewhat more understandable - not feeling she could hang up on an upset friend, and not prioritising your chat if she didn't know you were feeling upset about your difficult situation. Of course, things like that would be a lot more bearable if it was a one-off, but happening time and time again must get rather annoying!

Not returning things after so long is definitely taking the !!!!, even for someone forgetful, but why not sit her down for a serious talk about how you are unhappy with her behaviour? Before writing her off completely as a friend anyway, just so you know that you did what you could first. Little things that could be quite easy for her to change could make a big difference for your relationship, likelihood is she just isn't aware that you have a problem about anything.

Just to put in another side to the argument! Good luck.

katholicos

My advice would be to have a good long think about whether you could live without the things you have already lent to your 'friend'. If you can live without them, write them off and allow your 'friendship', such as it is, to come to it's end. I've had friends like that before, they want you there to listen to their problems or to borrow your things, but when you need a shoulder to lean on or cry on, where are they?

It seems that this person is not at all deserving of your friendship.

If it is too difficult to be open with her, then i would perhaps say you were too busy for her to visit, too busy to take her calls etc. She should soon get the message.

bestpud

I don't know if I'm missing something but, knowing what she is like, why did you not just wait for it while you were having a cuppa at her place?

Or, if she lives close, why haven't you just gone round and waited while she has got the item?

I'm not making excuses for her as I find it annoying when people don't return things too, but I know I'd just call round if it meant I'd have to go without the item otherwise.

At the same time I'd vow not to lend her anything else, of course!

katy1987

this is very similar to a situation i was in recently with my friend. she is generally an excellent friend but is rubbish at giving back borrowed things! and i know this! nonetheless i lent her a music player when she was in hospital (knowing i was unlikely to get it back without asking about 17 times). anyway when i asked for it back a couple of weeks later she tried to fob me off, so i just said, 'ok well i'll be round yours at X o'clock tonight to collect it'. i turned up and she told me she couldn't find it and she would let me know when she did find it. i stood my ground and it transpired she had lent it to some bloke i didn't even know! :eek: so i drove her straight round to his house and picked it up. she was extremely embarrassed to have been caught out and has actually been a lot more responsible since.

still wouldn't lend her anything ever again though :rotfl:

as for the friendship- i broke off this particular friendship in a fit of pique many many years ago after something she did annoyed me, but i missed her company very much and we are back to being inseparable now! i guess if the good outweighs the bad...

welshmoneylover

Neither a friend nor borrow be.. that is what my good ol' miserable ma told me.

Sorry but she doesn't sound much of a friend to me, go buy yourself a dog, they're much more loyal :rotfl:

Zazen999

Just go round and get the things; don't leave until you have them [or at least the most important of them] and then let it go.

It's not worth it.

[Deleted User]

I have had friends like this. I'm sorry hun, they are called 'users'. I learned to drop friends like this quicker and quicker as I became older lol. If it was a one off that she didn't make herself available when u needed her or about returning things, I'd be more hesitant but it does look like there is a pattern there.

I would certainly go round and ask for my items back.., and if she says in a while or something like that, I'd say.., well I've got to go out in an hour and I need it before (looking at my watch). And wait til she gets them (altho u might have to be prepared to lose some of them).

I never loan things to people that I need back.., and I say bye bye to them as they leave the house lol.