inappropriate for a 12 yr old

callie72

this pobably isnt the right place for this thread but i need some advice.

my ex husband has moved in with his girlfriend and her daughters, he has our daughter some friday and saturday nights. our daughter has complained to me about the noise her dad and his girlfriend make while they are in the bedroom. the girlfriends younger daughter apparently cries at night because of the noise.
He took his girlfriend, her daughters and our daughter out shopping and bought his girlfriend various 'outfits' from ann summers which from what my daughter says are left round the house. Our daughter says she does not want to see that stuff or hear them as its embarrassing for her.

I'm not a prude but I really dont feel that its appropriate for her to have to listen and see things that are much too old for her. They also go to the pub and have the kids in till 10pm while they get smashed.

my ex will not communicate with me and i dont know how to raise these points and ensure my daughter is well cared for when she stays with her dad.

I would prefer her not to stay overnight as this would eliminate the problems but can I stop her from staying over?

GEEGEE8

Does she want to stay over?

How awful for the kids..

gratefulforhelp_2

If your daughter is 12 then she has a pretty big say as to whether she stays over. The rights of contact are the child's rights not the non resident parent's rights.

If it is upsetting her, you need to know under what terms she would feel more comfortable.

She doesn't have to stay over or to see him at all if she doesn't want to.

callie72

yes she wants to stay & she gets on very well with his girlfirends daughter and enjoys seeing her and i honestly think she enjoys going to see her more than seeing her dad.

the problem is raising the issues with her dad.

GEEGEE8

If she wants to stay, then let her stay.. it's an uncomfortable situation I agree.. but what can you do? He won't speak to you, so unless the g/f would speak to you, or if you could write a letter, or if daughters could all write a letter and expalain that they aren't sleeping well cos of the 'tickle noises'

delain

I would have her bang on the wall, just so they know that they're making a disturbance!

gingin_2

Do you have an email or mobile number?

If it were me I would just write

"hi, xxxx is really enjoying her time with you and girlfriend but has mentioned that she can hear you and <name of girlfriend> having sex at night and is really uncomfortable about it. I just thought I would let you know as I am sure you didn't realise and wouldn't want her upset, especially as she really does love staying with you."

Just be civil and to the point

easy

Is there somedone else in the family who could raise this for you? I'm thinking perhaps your daughters paternal grandparents, or maybe your ex h has a sister or brother (aunt/uncle to your daughter), who you AND your daughter could ask to help.

Failing that, I think perhaps your daughter needs to talk to her Dad alone about this. I know it is a big responsibility, but if YOU try to talk to him, it'll just be seen as sour-grapes on your part.

Does he come to collect her on his own? Perhaps they could have a chat in the car about this, Your daughter tells him that she likes to visit, but she is embarrassed about hearing them at night.
My guess is that he still thinks of her as a very little girl, and thinks that once she has gone to bed, nothing wakes her up.
He may well be pretty embarrassed when he realises the she 'knows what they are doing', and hopefully that will calm things down a bit.

Otherwise, she'll just have to hammer on the bedroom wall/door, and yell "do you MIND!!!", some of us are trying to SLEEP" next time they get over-excited.

It is a very difficult situation for you and your daughter, tho'.

jamespir

buy her an ipod she wont hear anything then

gratefulforhelp_2

gingin wrote: »

Do you have an email or mobile number?

If it were me I would just write

"hi, xxxx is really enjoying her time with you and girlfriend but has mentioned that she can hear you and <name of girlfriend> having sex at night and is really uncomfortable about it. I just thought I would let you know as I am sure you didn't realise and wouldn't want her upset, especially as she really does love staying with you."

Just be civil and to the point

Or borrow from Jilly cooper and get her to run in and interrupt them and scream "What are you doing to my Daddy?"

Sorry, plan A above is much better.

RAS

There was the classic thread http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1726065


OP, I think you need to get DD to speak to someone in OH's family and ask them to speak to ex. Alternatively could DD speak to either ex or GF?