Family Feud - would love your opinion - LONG..

sticky23

Complicated history, but I'll try to explain:

My mother and father were both divorced when they met, fell in love and had me. My dad had two children from his previous marriage, one daughter now 45, (my half-sister no. 1) and one son, now 47. My mother had one daughter, now 40 (my half-sister no.2) - she lived with me, my mum and my dad throughout my childhood, and to be honest I never think of her as a half-sister- she's just my sister. My dad's children lived with their mum, apart from one year, when half-sister no. 1 got kicked out and she moved in with us.

My dad unfortunately died when I was 10 (I'm now 35). He'd written a will, and his estate was divided between my mum, and his three children (including me). However, there were some minor trinkets, and furniture from my paternal grandmother, which was left in the care of my mother. My half-sister no. 1 and half-brother were promised some of these upon my mothers death.

Now I've never had an easy relationship with my two eldest siblings. I've always felt as if they looked down on me, although I've done well in my life - better than them actually.

One of the things that complicated things, was that when I was 12, and on holiday at half-sister 1's, she left me in the care of her alcoholic boyfriend. She bought him a bottle of whisky, and went to bingo.. He got drunk and tried to sexually assault me. Luckily he was drunk and not very strong, so I managed to escape... This was never mentioned again, and there were no repercussions..

15 years ago half-sister 1 had a daughter (my niece) (luckily with a new boyfriend), and I and my other sister decided we'd make an extra effort, as it was a lovely occasion, and we thought a child may build bridges. So we visited regularly, and brought several presents for the little one. One day, I asked when the Christening was.. Half-sister 1 told me that they weren't sure, as it had been such a difficult birth and they were just getting used to being parents. Fair enough I thought...

A few months later we visited again to be greeted with photos from the christening on the walls. It had been two weeks after our last visit!!! I was told it was just for close family, but in the pictures were her husbands cousins!!! So I, as a half-sister, was less family than a cousin. I walked out of there, and obviously didn't contact her again.

I haven't had any contact with her since. She has contacted my other sister a few times (remember they are not related). First time was five years ago, when she called sister no. 2 to ask her to waitress at her 40th birthday party (They hadn't spoken for 10 years!!!)

Neither my brother or my half-sister no. 1 has contacted me at all in 15 years. Her daughter did invite me to her confirmation last year (it's a big thing in Denmark where I come from), but I didn't go - I didn't think it was appropriate when I wasn't invited to the christening, but I sent a card.

Half-sister 1 hasn't had much contact with my mum - fair enough, as she was her step-mum, and tbh they didn't have much in common. Once was five years ago, when sister 1 called my mum, and offered to come visit her - she didn't, until last year, when she managed to offend my sister (she told her she was fat)..

Now in February my mum passed away. Sister no 2 and me arranged the funeral, and decided not to tell half-sister 1 and half-brother. We didn't think they'd be interested, and we couldn't face having them there at such an emotional time. Remember neither of them had had much contact with my mum for the last 15 years - my brother not at all, my halfsister 1 just the once.

I emailed them a couple of days after the funeral to inform them, and to let them know about the things they were promised. Legally I didn't have to do this, but morally I thought they should have what was promised.

I then received a phone call from half-sister 1, where she had a right go at me, saying she wanted to be at the funeral. When I told her it was only for close family, she informed that she was!!!

Anyway, my brother picked up the things they wanted (I gave them everything they asked for apart from some things, I knew were from my mothers side of the family), and heard nothing more, apart from today when I received a very unpleasant email from half-sister...

I don't think I should answer it, as I don't want any hassle. I think I've been fairly generous, apart from not inviting them to the funeral. But why would you go to the funeral of someone you haven't had any contact with for 15 years? And is it not understandable why I didn't want them there?

smartpicture

If you really didn't think she'd be interested, you would have told her about the funeral, whilst expecting her not to come.

It sounds like you didn't tell her so you could get your own back for when she apparently rejected you over the christening years earlier. I know you were hurt, but it's just perpetuating the pettiness and the dysfunctional relationship.

I think you need to decide whether you want a relationship with her or not. If you do, then you need to acknowledge your own part in the relationship breakdown and apologise for not inviting her to the funeral, and forgive her for the mistakes she's made in the past. If not, then accept that and move on, and it really doesn't matter what she thinks of you any more.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Doesn't matter whether you're right or wrong - you decide whether to answer it based upon whether you ever want to hear anything from her again. If not, either tell her get lost or put her under the junk filter/block.

Your call.

ailuro2

What smartpicture said...

you all need to grow up and get on with it.

you gave them what your father's will said you should, no reason to contact someone you don't like again, is there?

You had your chance to build bridges at confirmation, but chose not to, remember your sis could have had post natal depression at the time of the Christening and not wanted to have you there as it kicked up too many issues, whereas hubby's cousins are remote enough not to care about them.

Not telling her about the funeral should be your last act of revenge.;)

onlyroz

I understand why you were peeved with your sister over the christening, but by not inviting her or her brother to your mother's funeral you were just perpetuating the pettiness. She has just as much right to be upset over the funeral as you have a right to be upset over the christening.

Having said that, if you really don't want contact with her again then just ignore the email. If you do want contact then you'll need to apologise.

DVardysShadow

sticky23 wrote: »

15 years ago half-sister 1 had a daughter (my niece) (luckily with a new boyfriend), and I and my other sister decided we'd make an extra effort, as it was a lovely occasion, and we thought a child may build bridges. So we visited regularly, and brought several presents for the little one. One day, I asked when the Christening was.. Half-sister 1 told me that they weren't sure, as it had been such a difficult birth and they were just getting used to being parents. Fair enough I thought...

A few months later we visited again to be greeted with photos from the christening on the walls. It had been two weeks after our last visit!!! I was told it was just for close family, but in the pictures were her husbands cousins!!! So I, as a half-sister, was less family than a cousin. I walked out of there, and obviously didn't contact her again.

Perhaps 0.5sis1 thought that you and 0.5sis2 came as a package and not being at all related to 0.5sis2 and only 0.5 related to you, she did not see you as close family.

But when it came to your mother's funeral, the defining relationship was the one with your mother. Although from your point of view 0.5sis1 is inconsistent, form her perspective, there is nothing to be consistent about.

lynzpower

If the 15 year old invited you to confirmation, I think it is so very petty to refuse based on something this child had no control over when she was born.

15 years is a long time to hold a grudge. They must have had "reasons" for not inviting you,are you brave enough to want to know what those reasons are?

Kimitatsu

Maybe inviting you to the confirmation was the attempt to build a bridge? 15 years is a long time and evryone changes in that time - perhaps your step sister felt that she had treated you badly or just wanted to make amends and start to rebuild the relationship?

Regardless of whether you believe she had had contact or not, the death of a parent is always a defining moment and everyone should be allowed to say goodbye and have closure on that event if they so wish. You have not given her that opportunity, so I can understand that she is very upset.

This is a very emotive time, it is the point where all of you realise that you dont have parents to fall back on you only have yourselves. So why not start with an apology if you want to repair bridges and allow her to do the same?

Bufger

To cut through the rest of it and highlight the main points:

Step sis was petty with the whole christening thing. You retaliate 15 years later in the same way. She obviously doesnt want contact, just to try to hurt you as much as possible. You obviously dont want contact but you're debating whether to have this slanging match or not.

Dont email her. You dont have anything to contact each other about anymore so rejoice in the fact that you can now live a happy step sis free life :-)

By the way - that was one hell of a 15 year grudge and i found it quite funny that you'd done it in the way you had (serves her right imo). I do have a warped sense of humour though

sticky23

Thanks for all your posts. It's really great to get a different point of view...

sticky23

lynzpower wrote: »

If the 15 year old invited you to confirmation, I think it is so very petty to refuse based on something this child had no control over when she was born.

One of the reasons why I didn't go, was that enclosed with the invitation was a wish list consisting of: X-box, mobile phone, laptop....

I see your point though... I felt that I didn't know the true reasons why I was suddenly invited. The daughter was 13 at the time, so I didn't want to rock the boat too much. If it was the daughter who wanted me there, I could quite possibly have created a rift between her and her mum (they have a very fragile relationship as far as I can tell). If the mother wanted me there, she should have invited me...