Is there a limit to what you can take?

meritaten

Lee - my bro in law was a police sarge. I think I understand a little.
But, you must not be afraid of making use of the resources available to you. they ARE confidential and if you need a leave of absence they can help. and you may need to change track. you can help others only when you are fully physically and mentally fit yourself.
you need time to sort out yourself, your relationship and your career. to do that you need both time to think and to talk - youve started that by posting on here. now go on and talk to people who can help you out there in the real world.

katebl

LeeSouthEast wrote: »

I think almost anyone who is in the services will attest to the fact the majority of the friends you do have and keep are either from school, or are 'in the job'. I know that's certainly true for me. I have lots of friends, and a handful or so of very very good friends, but they are either not local, or are friends made in the job that I work with every day, go out socialising with and so forth. There aren't any locally I can just go out with for a drink and offload at.

I'm not alone in struggling to keep non-service friends. They never seem to understand that 8 months notice is not sufficient for me to get time off work, or get "you're working on Sunday??" or so on. We live and exist in a different world to 'normal' people it seems.

I'm sure this doesn't help either.

Sorry didn't mean that to come across as rude by the way, and sorry that it's difficult for you to get time to unwind with people. I just thought that going out with your mates may take your mind off your GF... you sound lovely but it does seem like you are over-analysing your relationship and so maybe could try and take a step back and look at it objectively? You have survived a divorce and come out of it in a better situation, if the worst comes to the worst you would do the same again I'm sure (though it sounds to me she's happy with you, just circumstances suck).

DVardysShadow

LeeSouthEast wrote: »

I had been married the same year, and was already starting to suffer the abuse. I'm not sure why I'm remembering the incident now though, unless it's just the way my brain works. Think of one destructive force (my relationship insecurity) and just throw more at me to try and get me to crack. I don't know. I wish I did.

OK, I would now put my firstly and secondly into the same bucket. Perhaps you were already a bit bothered by the abuse and this event came along and pushed your thoughts on the abuse to the backburner - and since then you dealt with the abuse as it developed, but you have not really gone back to those thoughts of the early days of it all going wrong. Now you are in the place where you have both the space and I'd say the need to do it. But what pops out is the event rather than the thoughts which it displaced? Because the event is etched more deeply on your memory. Perhaps having a think around what you were doing and thinking and what was happening in the days before?

You could be on to something with that angle. I just had another little cry as I read that paragraph again. And yes, the feeling does resonate in my current relationship in as much as I'm feeling I'm on the same powerless slide to "make it work" (when in fact the only issue with it may just be in my head to begin with). When I last saw her we had a fantastic 4-day weekend together. It's the lack of contact that lets my brain wander over a million possibilities or outcomes. The only solution to that is going to be to get over my insecurity (I don't know how) or move in together (I'm trying.. god knows I'm working as hard as I can to get the money saved to make it happen).

The separation may be one of the most important factors in developing the relationship. It is the only factor which can really give you the experience of being secure. Things might not work out over any period of separation - and it has to be that way in general terms for the separation to give you the feeling of security if things do work out. You won't find or have security if you need to cling - it is accepting your powerlessness which brings you security.

I know your words make sense. But I've never felt anything like I do for this girl. Even the woman I married didn't make me feel like she does. If ever I could turn around and say she is "the one", she would be it. When you fear (however irrationally) that it might not be working, how do you just accept that? What's worse is it's in my damn head. If she turned round and said "it's over" it gives me a definitive to work with and get over. But when it's just your own head trying to turn you against yourself, what hope have you got???

Powerlessness is your hope here. When you accept you are powerless on certain issues there is hope for you. There is nothing so practical you can do as accept your powerlessness in this situation. If you are going to be clingy and insecure, you may find it comes to a quick end if you are lucky -or if you are unlucky, it will fire into ill-conceived life only to be strangled by insecurity.

It is going to be harder because of how you got to this point. But equally, it is necessary because of how you arrived.

kelloggs36

The longer your relationship lasts, the more secure you will feel and therefore the less needy and insecure. Enjoy the time you spend with your GF but don't put so much emphasis on her being the one who makes you feel complete etc because she will feel it even if you don't say it; ie it is obvious. Get counselling regarding the incident but put the rest of the past where it belongs - in the past and only draw from it what you need rather than dwell on things that have happened to you.

LeeSouthEast

katebl wrote: »

Sorry didn't mean that to come across as rude by the way, and sorry that it's difficult for you to get time to unwind with people. I just thought that going out with your mates may take your mind off your GF... you sound lovely but it does seem like you are over-analysing your relationship and so maybe could try and take a step back and look at it objectively? You have survived a divorce and come out of it in a better situation, if the worst comes to the worst you would do the same again I'm sure (though it sounds to me she's happy with you, just circumstances suck).

Don't worry, I didn't take it as rude or in a negative way.

Thanks Kate. Yes, I know I am over-analysing, that's a good proportion of the problem I have, and in some respects, always have had. It makes me good at my job, but really poor in other areas of life... Finding a way to selectively switch it off would go a long long way to making me feel better I'm sure!

I'm not sure that's possible though.

sophieschoice

LeeSouthEast wrote: »

Money isn't really an issue, now. Sure it's an issue in that I cannot just up and leave my parents house and go move to the same town as my girlfriend (I commute 3 hours a day now, and she's a 3 hour return trip from where I work just coming in from the other end of the county, so no big difference there).

I think a real "me" holiday would be useful. I've got some leave booked in May for no real reason. I can see her for some of it, but I may pick 3 or 4 days for 'me' where I can just get away from my life as I know it and go explore my head.

Basically, your work/life balance is out of kilter.
If you can't alter your commute (by moving Divison?) then would you consider moving to a post where the hours are more life-friendly? I'm thinking neighbourhood or public service team work where there are no night shifts. In these roles you wouldn't be fire-fighting but have a real sense of making a difference to your 'customers' lives. Granted, it's less glamorous but, if you want promotion, then it's something to give you a more rounded view.
As for your upcoming break, have you thought of going on retreat for a few days.
Total calm and peace to allow you to think clearly?
http://www.goingonretreat.com/aboutretreats.php

LeeSouthEast

DVardysShadow wrote: »

it is accepting your powerlessness which brings you security.

You're rather good at this.

This applies to your whole post, but I've only quoted the one line that instantly lifted a weight from my heart and my mind.

I don't like to accept I am powerless in any situation, be it a professional or personal one. I think part of that is an element of learned behaviour from my job. If I (in a professional capacity) am powerless, then things really are bad. It naturally carries over into my personal life and I guess, it turns me into an inner control freak. I never outwardly display it. If you ask anyone, generally one description that regularly comes out is "he's so laid back he's bordering on horizontal", but inside my head is screaming to control my life and just be happy. Again the over-analysis of every fine detail causes nothing but heartache and mental turmoil.

I always strive to 'find a way' to survive. When my marriage ended, I got hard to work to resolve the debt situation I found myself in. In burying myself at work, I don't think I really resolved the personal issues though, but just hid them. I made it to debt freedom just as I met my new GF, and the two things seemed almost meant to be. Fate? I don't know. Why that course? Why was it then? In some respects I think that demonstrates we are powerless over some things and just accepting it makes life simpler? I do think there are some unresolved prior issues for me to find and handle though. You're right.

All said though, that one quoted line has brought more inner peace and serenity than I have experienced all week. If nothing else, thank you for that.

DVardysShadow

LeeSouthEast wrote: »

I made it to debt freedom just as I met my new GF, and the two things seemed almost meant to be. Fate? I don't know. Why that course? Why was it then? In some respects I think that demonstrates we are powerless over some things and just accepting it makes life simpler?

Why? Because you are ready to learn powerlessness. Powerlessness is not the be all - it is not enough on its own. But your balance requires more - although you have seen that already.

Beg, borrow, buy or steal a copy of 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho. It is your reading material for your days off. It is not a self help book, it is straightforward fiction. I think you will find it has a lot to say about fate and life being constructed of a blend of making choices and accepting powerlessness.

LeeSouthEast

Done deal. I shall nip to the library tomorrow and see if it's in. Thank you.

meritaten

Can I just say one more thing Lee? its time now for you to help yourself. to help others first you have to be whole. heal yourself then you can heal others.
blessings
meritaten