Is there a limit to what you can take?

LeeSouthEast

meritaten wrote: »

lee - I think the Americans call this burnout. you have had a stressful job for 8 years and from a very young age.- you have been married and divorced - and you now have a relationship although you are physically apart. All this is un-natural.
Most men at 26 are just entering a first marraige! or an emotionally draining job.

I can't argue with any of that. Half of my friends from school are still at uni, or are just starting their careers in their chosen fields. I look at them and see keen, happy, emotionally stable people and wonder if I chose the right path in life. None of them are married bar one, and he's very happy. It just seems and feels like my life wanders from one disaster to another (emotionally and literally).

can you take some time out? a leave of absence if you can afford it? if not a couple of weeks holiday? then book a caravan, cabin or something somewhere quiet and just be? walk in the fresh air, sleep, eat and look after yourself?
and towards the end of that time - look at your job - your options.

Money isn't really an issue, now. Sure it's an issue in that I cannot just up and leave my parents house and go move to the same town as my girlfriend (I commute 3 hours a day now, and she's a 3 hour return trip from where I work just coming in from the other end of the county, so no big difference there).

I think a real "me" holiday would be useful. I've got some leave booked in May for no real reason. I can see her for some of it, but I may pick 3 or 4 days for 'me' where I can just get away from my life as I know it and go explore my head.

why do you think you are so far apart geographically?

It's not by choice. We met on a course that covered our entire county. If it wasn't for that, we'd never have met. She just happens to live at the other end of the county to me, and it sucks. We've already discussed me moving down her way, and she will slowly wean her mother off her being at home by spending more and more time at my place until she has literally moved in. She worries her mum will be lonely as she is the last person still living there, so a slow creep away would be necessary rather than a removal van one morning...

Thank you for taking the time to respond. It is helping me.

LeeSouthEast

sophieschoice wrote: »

From your posts I'm guessing you're a police officer or at least engaged in one of the emergency services.
In your place of work there must be posters advertising help for stress counselling?
If you are a bobby then you will have a force medical unit. Possibly access to a place where those fragile in mind or body can go for a break?
Whatever there is and wherever you work you need to access these services as a priority.
As regards your new partner, you need to let her know that you have unresolved issues not relating to her and which, for the good of your long term future together, you need to address now.
I wish you good luck in your endeavours.

I guess it was naive of me to think I could discuss this whole topic without letting that particular cat out of the bag. Yes I am, and yes there are services I can utilise. Until the last few weeks I have never felt the need, but I will look into them now. I still worry of the stigma and career issues of approaching them though. I guess what must be done, must be done though.

PinkLipgloss

Lee,

Reading through your posts I have no doubt that you are going to work through your current situation.

However, I'm not sure that you know that - so just remember that you are in control and you can make changes to get were you want to be in life.

Good luck (although you don't need it!) and best wishes,

Lipgloss x

meritaten

lee I am happy to hear that you can take time off and money isnt the issue - but, 3 or 4 days isnt going to cut it. I suggested 2 weeks because that is usually the maximum time people can offord off. I would prefer to suggest 2 months! Sounds crazy? you have eight years to destress from and I would think your fortnights holiday doesnt go far enough.
Lee, I know you want to help people, but it doesnt have to be in your present job you know. there are other ways, less stressful for you. I said before I dont have answers for you - but you do. the trouble is your present lifestyle is not conducive to finding those answers. It seems you find my idea of peace and quiet attractive...........so do it. take a leave of absence - find some peace and tranquility, and for a few weeks - dont think, just be. then search your heart and mind and you will find your answers. or they will find you.

LeeSouthEast

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Oh there is a lot in that. 2 areas I can think of. Firstly was anything else going on in your life, any thought process which got set aside by that event, but which is still important? Or stirred up by what is going on in your life now?

I had been married the same year, and was already starting to suffer the abuse. I'm not sure why I'm remembering the incident now though, unless it's just the way my brain works. Think of one destructive force (my relationship insecurity) and just throw more at me to try and get me to crack. I don't know. I wish I did.

And secondly, it speaks of powerlessness. You want to change the outcome, you feel you should have been able to, but you couldn't. Never mind the guilt angle. Does it resonate with your divorce - seeing a relationship going off the road and dying when you feel the relationship could have been saved? Does that feeling resonate with what you feel in your present relationship?

You could be on to something with that angle. I just had another little cry as I read that paragraph again. And yes, the feeling does resonate in my current relationship in as much as I'm feeling I'm on the same powerless slide to "make it work" (when in fact the only issue with it may just be in my head to begin with). When I last saw her we had a fantastic 4-day weekend together. It's the lack of contact that lets my brain wander over a million possibilities or outcomes. The only solution to that is going to be to get over my insecurity (I don't know how) or move in together (I'm trying.. god knows I'm working as hard as I can to get the money saved to make it happen).

I'd say you need to let your relationship with your girlfriend go where it will and accept the outcome rather than feeling in any sense driven to make it work.

I know your words make sense. But I've never felt anything like I do for this girl. Even the woman I married didn't make me feel like she does. If ever I could turn around and say she is "the one", she would be it. When you fear (however irrationally) that it might not be working, how do you just accept that? What's worse is it's in my damn head. If she turned round and said "it's over" it gives me a definitive to work with and get over. But when it's just your own head trying to turn you against yourself, what hope have you got???

And I thought some of the people I dealt with were screwed up. Jesus.

jinky67

Surely there must be a works counselling service? You really sound like you need it, and if its not impacting your job, they shouldnt pass on the information to your bosses.

I thought the services these days were well clued up about PTSD?

You could use that as a start at least:cool:

katebl

Lee, I'm of a similar age to you, and the one thing that strikes me about your posts is that you don't mention much about friends? Do you have no-one you can get out of the house with apart from your GF?

sophieschoice

LeeSouthEast wrote: »

I guess it was naive of me to think I could discuss this whole topic without letting that particular cat out of the bag. Yes I am, and yes there are services I can utilise. Until the last few weeks I have never felt the need, but I will look into them now. I still worry of the stigma and career issues of approaching them though. I guess what must be done, must be done though.

Not naive at all! Perhaps if you're response or traffic then it's time for a move into somewhere a little less frantic like Custody or PPU?
The services available for you to use are there because officers NEED to use them from time to time. All forces appreciate that. I thought that consulting your force medical officer was done in confidence?
And as for your career, I do appreciate you are saving up but you can take a year out and return. It's another option.
First step first. Look at that 'stress' poster in the corridor or refs room that you've always walked past and dial the number.

LeeSouthEast

katebl wrote: »

Lee, I'm of a similar age to you, and the one thing that strikes me about your posts is that you don't mention much about friends? Do you have no-one you can get out of the house with apart from your GF?

I think almost anyone who is in the services will attest to the fact the majority of the friends you do have and keep are either from school, or are 'in the job'. I know that's certainly true for me. I have lots of friends, and a handful or so of very very good friends, but they are either not local, or are friends made in the job that I work with every day, go out socialising with and so forth. There aren't any locally I can just go out with for a drink and offload at.

I'm not alone in struggling to keep non-service friends. They never seem to understand that 8 months notice is not sufficient for me to get time off work, or get "you're working on Sunday??" or so on. We live and exist in a different world to 'normal' people it seems.

I'm sure this doesn't help either.

LeeSouthEast

sophieschoice wrote: »

Not naive at all! Perhaps if you're response or traffic then it's time for a move into somewhere a little less frantic like Custody or PPU?
The services available for you to use are there because officers NEED to use them from time to time. All forces appreciate that. I thought that consulting your force medical officer was done in confidence?
And as for your career, I do appreciate you are saving up but you can take a year out and return. It's another option.
First step first. Look at that 'stress' poster in the corridor or refs room that you've always walked past and dial the number.

I guess it's time I went to find that poster on Tuesday. I took Monday off. After two 12 hour early shifts I didn't feel I could actually face tomorrow, the way I'm feeling. Fortunately staffing levels permitted it.

Thanks.