One sided friendship, what would you do?

Feisty_Fairy

bestpud wrote: »

Have you always been the 'strong' one in the friendship?

I ask as I have a fantastic friend who has supported me through thick and thin, but she is very independent and I often feel I don't do enough back.

She says I do and I believe her, but the truth is she ends up supporting me a lot more than I support her. I've let her down a few times (when I've been very low, or in my more forgetful times) and I'd be devastated if she had backed off because of it.

I think it would be helpful to tell her how you feel and see what her reaction is.

She may well think you are ok with it, because you always have been, and may need you to spell it out for her.

If she feels she doesn't do enough back and/or her confidence is low, she more than likely thinks she is putting you out, especially as you are so busy. She may think you see her as 'hard work' rather than someone you enjoy being with?

Mental illness makes people insular in many ways, especially when they've had involvement with psych services and/or therapy, as everything is one way and focused on the person involved iyswim?

It can take effort to get back into two sided relationships, so maybe she hasn't quite got there yet?

I may be wrong but these are my initial thoughts.

Leave it a day or two and give her a call. As said, good friends are hard to come by so it's worth trying to clear the air.

In ansa to your question, yes i think i always have been the strong one in the friendship, infact my friendship sounds a lot like yours!:)

Jeff77

aliasojo wrote: »

Your friendship is not evenly balanced, you are the support giver and your friend is the support taker. It's not surprising you don't hear from her or she lets you down when she doesn't actually need you.

You play the part of support giver well, you don't want to upset her in case she is affected by it but that's not what a balanced friendship is all about. You either have to change your part in all this, or accept this is the way it's going to be.

I agree. Friendship is a two way relationship. You can't be the only one who gives effort to keep the friendship. Both parties must invest and work together to maintain and nurture the friendship. :beer:

aliasojo

Feisty_Fairy wrote: »

........ i hate upsetting people and causing hurt, my OH says im just 2 nice and should think of myself more, i dont have many 'close' friends and so i suppose i am ver loyal and cherish the ones i have, maybe that where im going wrong?

I used to be the same when i was younger, my parents always used to say i let people walk all over me, and i grew up and stopped doing it, havent done it for years and only just realised im doin the exact same thing with this friend, makes me wonder why though? lol!:o

Thing is though, you really don't need to upset people to chat to them about how you feel. A normal balanced friendship will happily survive a chat like that. I suspect your friend would surprise you and would be more supportive of you and the situation, than you think.

People don't deliberately treat others unthinkingly, they usually do so because they can, and it becomes easy to do so. Before you know it, a pattern has been formed.

Take a deep breath and either go see your friend or call her. Tell her how you feel. If she really is a friend and not just a user, then she will take on board what you say. If she doesn't, then you have to accept your friendship will either have to stay one sided or finish. I don't think it will come to that tbh, I don't think it will have occurred to her that you have felt upset and you need to be fair to her as well as yourself, by being honest and letting her in on what's going on in your head.

Feisty_Fairy

aliasojo wrote: »

Thing is though, you really don't need to upset people to chat to them about how you feel. A normal balanced friendship will happily survive a chat like that. I suspect your friend would surprise you and would be more supportive of you and the situation, than you think.

People don't deliberately treat others unthinkingly, they usually do so because they can, and it becomes easy to do so. Before you know it, a pattern has been formed.

Take a deep breath and either go see your friend or call her. Tell her how you feel. If she really is a friend and not just a user, then she will take on board what you say. If she doesn't, then you have to accept your friendship will either have to stay one sided or finish. I don't think it will come to that tbh, I don't think it will have occurred to her that you have felt upset and you need to be fair to her as well as yourself, by being honest and letting her in on what's going on in your head.

I am tempted to text her and ask her how she is but feel strange about ringing her, i hate confrontation and she does regularly ask me if she's upset me, she says she is a rubbish friend and that i always give and she always takes, i have said its fine in the past as she has issues she needed to deal with, and after all thats what friends are for i am also the only true friend she has (she says) as all her other friends have given up on trying to help her and i have stuck through it all!

belfastgirl23

Just to add though, stop with the texting. Either give her a call or drop by and see her. Texts are really dangerous in this sort of situation, you end up thinking you've communicated something and she's read something totally different. You owe it to your friendship to try to deal with this properly.

edited to say (sorry cross posted) that you don't need to say she is a rubbish friend, what you need to do is use 'I' Statements - eg talk about the effect her behaviour has on your rather than getting carried away with what she has or hasn't done. So rather than say she was wrong to prioritise the football, say that it made you feel upset and unimportant...someone can deny their actions but they can't deny how you feel..

Feisty_Fairy

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Just to add though, stop with the texting. Either give her a call or drop by and see her. Texts are really dangerous in this sort of situation, you end up thinking you've communicated something and she's read something totally different. You owe it to your friendship to try to deal with this properly.

edited to say (sorry cross posted) that you don't need to say she is a rubbish friend, what you need to do is use 'I' Statements - eg talk about the effect her behaviour has on your rather than getting carried away with what she has or hasn't done. So rather than say she was wrong to prioritise the football, say that it made you feel upset and unimportant...someone can deny their actions but they can't deny how you feel..

I cant just call in to see her as she may be in bed as this is what she does, she spends a lot of time in bed in pain or to get away from her OH, so thats why i text, same with the phone calls, she may not even be up and about to take the call, atleast when i text her she gets back to me at some point!

bestpud

Feisty_Fairy wrote: »

I cant just call in to see her as she may be in bed as this is what she does, she spends a lot of time in bed in pain or to get away from her OH, so thats why i text, same with the phone calls, she may not even be up and about to take the call, atleast when i text her she gets back to me at some point!

How about dropping in with a note, or letter?

If she is up then stop and speak, but if not, leave the note for her?

I am now sure (after one of your last posts) that she feels you don't get as much from the freindship as she does.

I used to be like this but I've got over it because my friend made sure she told me often how much she values our friendship.

Be up front with her and I think she may surprise you.

mumslave

If you dont tell her how you feel and let her away with letting you down, she will never change To some degree you could say you are being unfair, when she has said before she feels like a bad friend etc and you havent said, well yes you are actually, I know you have a lot on your plate and you know I love you loads, but yes you are a bad friend just now and you need to make more of an effort with me.

Get her over one night (footy or no bleeding footy lol) and have a glass of wine with her, then talk to her openly, let her know how you are feeling. Then if things carry on without change, either accept she is a the needy type and the friendship will always be one sided or end the friendship.

top_drawer_2

hi,

I have a similar situation, in fact I wondered if I could have somehow posted in my sleep! I too am the caregiver, strong and independant and my "friend" has a long term illness and for awhile now I have felt that we have a very one-directional friendship where I do all the chasing, effort and she goes along with whatever I suggest....

Thanks everyone for the advice,I'm going to use some of it to alter things with my friend and also other friends I have had who also treat me badly - I might finally break the pattern then.

F-F Have you thought about getting out and about a bit more? Maybe if you had more people available to you then you may find you dont have as much time for people who only take from you.

Jen

Bufger

To see how much you're worth to somebody you have to keep a distance and play it cool. Do other things and forget about her, if she contacts you reply as normal but dont be the one to organise things. If she organises something take it with a pinch of salt or even cancel on her for a while.

After a month or so you should be able to gauge how important you are to her. To me it sounds like a relationship imbalance, she obviously means alot more to you than you do to her. You can simply adjust your feelings towards her so they're mutually beneficial or you can terminate the relationship and seek new friends.