One sided friendship, what would you do?

retro_bluebell

Are you gaining anything from still being friends with her? Maybe she has always been like this and you are only just realising it?- I speak from experience as I have had 2 very close friends that have basically used me when they felt like it and it took me years to realise this.....my solution? I ditched both of them within a few months of each other (they are friends with each other)....lifes' too short to be with people that make you miserable. I missed them at first but I feel free now.

jm2926

Is it Barcelona v Arsenal? Apparently it's REALLY important, which is why I'm on here as it's on my tele and I'm not interested.

Give her a call, it's half time.....

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It's what called being used by a skilled manipulator. You're probably not as useful as the other friend at the moment - do they have more money, for example, or are they more into 'fun' than being the supportive caring parent figure? She probably won't get back in touch until she has fallen out with the new best friend and wants you to pick up the pieces.

retro_bluebell

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

It's what called being used by a skilled manipulator. You're probably not as useful as the other friend at the moment - do they have more money, for example, or are they more into 'fun' than being the supportive caring parent figure? She probably won't get back in touch until she has fallen out with the new best friend and wants you to pick up the pieces.

You have just described perfectly what happened to me!

Redman30

You just can't record footy (unless it's highlights), it has to be watched live

misgrace

These type of friends are called 'fair weathered friends', I have one who I love to bits, we gel so well, our sense of humour is great, we laugh so much together, this is why I have put up with her for nearly 20 years.

She is always late, I have to tell the time for an hour earlier, lets me down loads of times, she always forgets, leaves things to the last minute, cannot get her backside into gear, needs her hand holding all the time and a great big kick up the backside.

I have had to teach her a lesson a couple years ago as I had enough.
I looked at it this way, I work full time in a dirtyish job, covered in paint, but yet I can come home, do what I have to do at home, get in then bath and scub the paint off, wash my hair, do my make-up and hair, and still be ready, yet she, works part time, no kids at home, and can never be ready, or always late, this has been going on for 20 years.

I spoke to her time and time again, she's selfish, never reliable etc, she always promised next time she will be on time, will turn up, wont let me down, but of course this didnt happen.

We had agreed to go out the particular night, (as we dont go out that often), and I told her I would come to her, but I had to let her down to show her what its like, I have never down this before, I am so reliable, but I had to do it, as talking didnt work, so I had to do to her what she does to me.
Anyway I didnt turn up, I didnt ring, I just let her down (for the first time), she called me, she went mad on the phone, where are you?, why are you late etc?, pot calling the kettle black and all that.
After I let her rip at me I told her calmly that this is what she does to me all the time, and its not very nice is it, when someone is all dressed and waiting to go.
She did not realise how bad she was, she was shocked, and only by doing her to her made her realise its not all about her.
Things are so much better, she is late, still does not return the odd calls, but has improved so much.

It might be worth if you two talk again to tell her how you feel, and if she carries on doing it, then you have to do it back, as I do believe that sometimes you can talk and talk till your blue in the face,and it never sinks in, wheras, actions speak louder than words.

Feisty_Fairy

Hi again all,:)

Well i was supposed to go round at 7.30 but told her via text i would leave it if u remember, well about ten past 8 she text me askin where i was!:mad: I knew she would use the i didnt get the text exscuse so i immediately said i texted her straight back telling her and it was in my sent box so deffo went, she replied saying i never got it i promise and we could sit at the table, id be cool with that (where we usually sit to natter), she said she was lookin forward to me coming. I was determined not to drop everything and go running round like i normally would, so i said i was in my jammies and its a bit late now as have to be up early in the morning ( we usually chat for hours u see and she lives a 20min drive away also), she txt back saying oh thats a shame lots of love! i resisted the urge to reply with ah well enjoy ur footy lol and just said ah well c u soon, and left it at that, she hasnt replied to say ok take care or whatever like she normally would and i immediately felt bad!!

OH gets angry and says i allow her to treat me this way and he is fed up of telling me, i tried to explain to him that if she gets hurt or down she will immediately retreat into her shell and that will be a step backwards for her and i dont want to be the cause, but on the same hand i dont wanna be the mug all over again!Cant help but feel terrible now though!!:(

Was what i did horrid? If not then why do i feel such a B1tch???:eek:

aliasojo

Feisty_Fairy wrote: »

OH gets angry and says i allow her to treat me this way and he is fed up of telling me, i tried to explain to him that if she gets hurt or down she will immediately retreat into her shell and that will be a step backwards for her and i dont want to be the cause, but on the same hand i dont wanna be the mug all over again!Cant help but feel terrible now though!!:(

Was what i did horrid? If not then why do i feel such a B1tch???:eek:

Don't want to upset you but I'm kinda thinking you're partly responsible for this situation developing.

Your friendship is not evenly balanced, you are the support giver and your friend is the support taker. It's not surprising you don't hear from her or she lets you down when she doesn't actually need you.

You play the part of support giver well, you don't want to upset her in case she is affected by it but that's not what a balanced friendship is all about. You either have to change your part in all this, or accept this is the way it's going to be.

Your last comment 'Was what i did horrid? If not then why do i feel such a B1tch?' bothers me a bit. It's almost as if you need to be needed and the minute you think anything might interfere with that, you get all contrite and worried.

I thik you've subconsciously fallen into a pattern that just isn't good for you tbh.

Nothing you said in your texts was 'bad' or 'off' but you automatically feel worried about them because you weren't being your usual 'doormat' self.

Sorry, don't want to upset you but I really think you should look at what you could do to change this one sided relationship from the 'strong pal/weak pal' routine into just 'pals'. Your OH may have more of an accurate take on it than you do.

Feisty_Fairy

Stephb1986 wrote: »

I had a friend like this I helped her through everything gave her driving lessons in my brand new car that was £25k's worth helped her pass her driving test and the day after her driving test she has never spoke to me and that was nearly 2 years ago.

Just be cool with her for a few days and see how it goes. Where are you from?

Steph xx

Ooh thats horrible of her to do that to you, you are obviously better off without her then!:mad:

I live in warwickshire, but im from manchester originally, why?:o

Feisty_Fairy

aliasojo wrote: »

Don't want to upset you but I'm kinda thinking you're partly responsible for this situation developing.

Your friendship is not evenly balanced, you are the support giver and your friend is the support taker. It's not surprising you don't hear from her or she lets you down when she doesn't actually need you.

You play the part of support giver well, you don't want to upset her in case she is affected by it but that's not what a balanced friendship is all about. You either have to change your part in all this, or accept this is the way it's going to be.

Your last comment 'Was what i did horrid? If not then why do i feel such a B1tch?' bothers me a bit. It's almost as if you need to be needed and the minute you think anything might interfere with that, you get all contrite and worried.

I thik you've subconsciously fallen into a pattern that just isn't good for you tbh.

Nothing you said in your texts was 'bad' or 'off' but you automatically feel worried about them because you weren't being your usual 'doormat' self.

Sorry, don't want to upset you but I really think you should look at what you could do to change this one sided relationship from the 'strong pal/weak pal' routine into just 'pals'. Your OH may have more of an accurate take on it than you do.

Hi, i appreciate your comments thanks, and i suppose yes i do feel like im not being myself by just being straight to the point, i would have normally said yes ok im on my way no worries, but i felt somewhat strong and more in control for not doing that, but yes at the same time i feel bad that she may be upset, i hate upsetting people and causing hurt, my OH says im just 2 nice and should think of myself more, i dont have many 'close' friends and so i suppose i am ver loyal and cherish the ones i have, maybe that where im going wrong?

I used to be the same when i was younger, my parents always used to say i let people walk all over me, and i grew up and stopped doing it, havent done it for years and only just realised im doin the exact same thing with this friend, makes me wonder why though? lol!:o