Partner has massive debts and his head in the sand - help!!

Raingold

I haven't signed in for ages I'm ashamed to say, posting made me feel very vulnerable and I felt I needed to get some relationship stuff sorted out - I'd like to thank all those who took the time to help/make suggestions/make me think!
OH says debts are being repaid and he's got a new job with more money so that should help if he stops spending money as he did previously. He still shreds statements as soon as he's looked at them, and I did see £10200 through the window of an unopened Virgin CC statement, but he's followed up the information I got for him from The Money Advice Trust and has been in touch with them.
Our mortgage deal has come to an end so we're going continue paying our the previous amount which is £140 more than the current rate to get it paid off quicker - should be about 2016. The house is in both names and I'm building up my safety fund in an ISA in case it comes down to me paying all the bills/mortgage.
Most of our food comes from Aldi now and we've reviewed our essentials lists. I bought a slow cooker and it's used at least 2x per week.
Although I haven't signed in, I've been looking at differentposts about Xmas and have spent alot less this year - relatives,teachers and friends have been given Pots of Gold - my parents have a restaurant voucher in theirs as well, DS is getting a used XBOX 360 and DD's main present is a notebook from Ideal World paid over 4 months (no interest). My siblings and OH's siblings only buy for the children now - max £10 and the children usually make something for grandparents (this year peppermint creams, Turkish Delight and truffles). DD made some little boxes and put sweets in from Tesco - eclairs/fudge and I'd bought some feng shui bracelets from ebay a while ago for £1 each, DS's friends got balloon toys/whistles from Hawkins Bazaar that cost less than £1.
Xmas dinner will be goose (12.99) from Aldi and will feed the family and friends. We've been buying bits and pieces over the last 6 months to put in stockings, OH and I have agreed to spend £20 max on each other.
In 2011, I'm setting up accounts for the car (insurance/service), childcare, holidays, birthdays - once it's out of my current account, it will be easier to use it for what it's meant for. I've kept a spending diary and will continue to use it as writing it down seems to be a deterrent to buying it. I'm also going to start selling on ebay/Amazon as I want to clear some books/clothes cluttering up the house. I'm going to check out the site for getting extra income - i don't have lots of time for surveys so need some other ideas.
Although the road ahead does seem long, I feel more optimistic and a sense of being more organised/in control...........but it may just be an illusion!

Mojogone

I don't want to pour water on your bonfire but my husband also told me he was managing his debt when we split up in the Summer. He also used to shred his CC statements after (if) he opened them. I found a card still in use and also found out about a loan. We both have realised he has a problem and he is attending Debtors Anonymous meetings and has an appointment with CAB as have I.
For you and your children's sake you need to find out about all the debt being accumulated. My life has been ruined by the actions of my husband and I have children to consider to.

Good luck x

Nottoobadyet

Hi Raingold -

Thanks for coming back! It does sound like you are doing all the right things with the food and the budgeting. I guess the biggest question, though, is whether you are really happy with all these explosive secrets and elephants in the room hanging around in your relationship?

DVardysShadow

Raingold wrote: »

OH says debts are being repaid and he's got a new job with more money so that should help if he stops spending money as he did previously. He still shreds statements as soon as he's looked at them, and I did see £10200 through the window of an unopened Virgin CC statement, but he's followed up the information I got for him from The Money Advice Trust and has been in touch with them.

I would say that has got to stop. You have to see them before they are shredded. You signed up for £60,000 of his debt to be secured on the family home.

£60,000 says that you get to know what is going on as soon as he does - and it carries on like that until every last penny of that £60,000 is cleared.

Pollycat

Thanks for posting this update, Raingold.

I hope we didn't make you feel vulnerable with our comments.

It sounds like YOU are tackling this debt with admirable positivity but I'm not sure your OH is dealing with it in the same way.
It doesn't sound to me like he's being totally up-front with you as you say 'he SAYS the debts are being repaid' and 'IF he stops spending money'.

As DVardyShadow says, you deserve his honesty.

Good luck for the future - I hope your OH comes to realise what a supportive partner he's got.
Have a great (although maybe more frugal than usual) Christmas.

Raingold

I don't think it was the comments- I felt so desperate to tell someone, (no-one else knows - if you see what I mean, friends and family think we're doing OK) and although I cried buckets while I was posting, the replies made me cry even more because I had to face possibilities that I didn't want to and realise how weak I've been and unable to take control.
We've had alot of conversations about money/spending/budgets and I monitor the household accounts closely and all the DDs and SOs are as they should be. I've asked to see his statements, but there is massive resistance to this. It does feel like I'm making the most effort, but I don't think OHs lightbulb has lit even now.
My spending/budgeting is getting better........even though I have "S*d it" days when I'll spend some money (less than £20) on something I don't need - usually food or wine, then feel rubbish when I'm eating/drinking it. Although I feel guilty about having a lapse, I've got my spending diary to face.
I've learnt so much from reading the posts and it's encouraging for me to know how many people want to help.
Thank you for taking the time to post and I wish you all a Happy Christmas and a MoneySaving 2011

Steel_2

Your husband has to stop shredding the statements before you see them and you have to stop accepting his reassurances that things are ok without seeing those statements.

The fact there is massive resistence from him wanting to show you is a red flag - based on his past history I would be very worried that he is spending on the cards and keeping it from you.

Just because the DDs and SO seem ok doesn't mean the debt isn't still racking up.

The fact that you think his 'lightbulb' hasn't lit yet suggests he still doesn't get the seriousness of what he's doing or jhe severity of the problems he's caused. Without that lightbulb, fundamentally things don't change with a person's habits.

ERICS_MUM

Raingold wrote: »

I don't think it was the comments- I felt so desperate to tell someone, (no-one else knows - if you see what I mean, friends and family think we're doing OK) and although I cried buckets while I was posting, the replies made me cry even more because I had to face possibilities that I didn't want to and realise how weak I've been and unable to take control.
We've had alot of conversations about money/spending/budgets and I monitor the household accounts closely and all the DDs and SOs are as they should be. I've asked to see his statements, but there is massive resistance to this. It does feel like I'm making the most effort, but I don't think OHs lightbulb has lit even now.
My spending/budgeting is getting better........even though I have "S*d it" days when I'll spend some money (less than £20) on something I don't need - usually food or wine, then feel rubbish when I'm eating/drinking it. Although I feel guilty about having a lapse, I've got my spending diary to face.
I've learnt so much from reading the posts and it's encouraging for me to know how many people want to help.
Thank you for taking the time to post and I wish you all a Happy Christmas and a MoneySaving 2011

Dear Raingold,

You have been (and continue to be) marvellous in the way you've tackled this big problem in your lives, but I can still sense a lot of worry and unhappiness in this post. It's a sad fact that until your DH proves to you that he is making headway with the family debt, your efforts are marginal and unlikely to rescue the situation.

I'm sorry this sounds harsh, I really don't want to hurt you with words, but I think you know deep down that your DH still is not facing the seriousness of it all, and probably continues to rack up debt.

Is it possible that he has a more serious issue behind this - a gambling or drug habit for example ?

I do wish you a good and peaceful Christmas, and hope that 2011 is successful for you.

Linda xxx

themull1

Good luck, i couldn't live with someone like that, its not the debt, its the fact that he won't tell you what he's spent the money on and still acts really secretive around statements. I like to feel that me and oh are in it together, and would always discuss stuff etc.

LillythePink

Does the fact that he hasn't told you about his cards/shreds statements still bother you?

Ok, it could be because he doesn't want to be treated like a child (not that he doesn't deserve it to a certain extent after you bailing him out) but......

And this is again not exactly an ethical trusting thing to do in a relationship, but....who gets the post first? Can you not maybe get his statements and open them before him - that way you see the extent of any debt? Obviously, it would create a bit of an issue if there is debt, but at least you would know and then be prepared for what may happen in the future?