Partner has massive debts and his head in the sand - help!!

Pollycat

Raingold
it must be very frustrating for you not knowing the full extent of your OH's debt.
I notice that you say you 'suspect' £20K or £30K - but what is that suspicion based on?

I hope you both find time to work out how much debt you have sometime over the weekend.

Good luck.

Determined_2b_Debt_Free

Very sorry to hear about your situation and to some extent can relate to this frustration in 2 ways.

1) When my OH lived on his own he had stacks of disposable income and was not used to budgeting, being careful what he spent and generally just having lots of cash to splash on whatever he wanted. When we got together and bought a place together the outgoings were higher (as it was a nicer flat) and we had to start being a bit careful what we spent.
This wasn't in his nature and one day I couldn't find my online banking login so used his for the joint a/c. He had a personal a/c with the same bank and I saw that £10k had been put in that month. This was a consolidation loan for some credit cards - he hadn't told me about it. The cc debts didn't amount to £10k (but we did have other debts between us) and he was happily spending the remainder unbeknown to me... on pretty much nothing!
You can imagine I was pretty mad, we had only been together for a few years at that point and I felt I needed to nip it in the bud. We agreed I'd take over all finances and that any money decisions are made jointly. We've had a few job losses since then which has set us back but I do feel I'm getting on top of it. I know if it had stayed the way it was then we'd be in a worse situation that we are. I now only ever log in on the account which shows his a/c as well so I know exactly what's going on.
It works for us but I do agree with other posters that you need to establish where this money has gone as there may be an underlying problem. You have a right to know, esp if this is secured debt that now affects you.

2) The other way I can understand how you're feeling is that my sister recently got herself into massive debt, even though she's now on an IVA she still hasn't addressed her spending issues and has now made herself ill over it. There is not a week goes by where I'm not wracking my brain for a way to make her see but until she has her LBM I really don't think I can do anything.

Saying that, this is your OH and that should make things a bit different. You need to be strong with finding out information.

I wish you lots of luck, there is a way out but it sounds like you'll need to be the driving force.
x

katsu

Raingold wrote: »

I've tried talking with OH, he admits he's worried about his finances and has looked at National debtline info pack, but says he hasn't had time to complete the forms/statement of affairs....

I don't know if this will help, but I thought I would tell you my story (a bit of it anyway ). I used to feel sick when it came to looking at money stuff. I could only do it in short bursts as the anxiety was too much. I would do lots to avoid it (I made OH deal with our first mortgage as I said if I had to do it we would never buy a house).

Now I've just dealt with our remortgage (end of a fixed rate deal). :T

If your OH is like me it may be easier if you can break the task into smaller portions, perhaps help collate info, offer to let your OH give you paperwork and then let you do the adding up and entering into the SOA, then return later or the next day to look at the result.

I partly got better through my LBM, being here, learning about other people's SOAs and money management, partly through having the correct income:expenditure ratio and having agreement with OH that we would clear our debts. I'm still not as good as I will be, but I'm loads better than I was.

I hope this rambling tale is some help - it may not be relevant for your OH, but as no-one else suggested hatred of money and sickness at the thought of looking at it all, then I thought I should 'fess up

drewdrop

Hi Raingold, not sure if this is helpful but how about both of you doing a credit reference stat check, this would show outstanding loans etc up to the last month or so, may help clarify if your worries are unfounded x

shaven-monkey

You're paying for these items. You have a right to know where he's spending money you don't have. Get the credit reference check.
He knows that whatever he's spending the money on is dodgy otherwise he wouldn't be shredding the documents. It's quite possibly something that would be grounds for divorce.

Take all his credit cards and cut them up.
Make him work out his budget and put the rest of his salary into your account for housekeeping and debt payments. Empty any joint accounts you have into your account. Clear the debts where you are jointly liable asap.
If he refuses then kick him out of the damn house and change the locks.

Raingold

I got a letter saying a savings policy that I've paid into for the last 10y has matured - TBH, I'd forgotten it was due to mature. It will settle my overdraft and I'll be about £100 better off - I'm going to get rid of my CC next, £380.
The person at the National Debtline said I can't be reponsible for OH's debts apart from the secured loan - but does anyone know what will happen if he goes bankrupt? our house in is joint names, would my credit rating be affected?
The credit reference agency only let me know about my credit/debts.
Only seen OH for a few minutes this weekend so far because of his shifts - will try to get some time tomorrow night to talk things through.

fluffmagnet

I feel for you - I'm on a DMP which I've been on for the past 5 years. I met & moved in with my OH 3.5 years ago and was honest with him - and he was great about it.
Now 3 years later, I'm getting frustrated & angry as I'm seeing him spend more & more on his credit card & then get another credit card out on 0% balance transfer then start spending again... I can't get him to understand that we have to live within our means, but he's getting money out on his cc because he can't be a**d to check his actual bank account. He wont listen to me because I'm on a DMP and he's obviously better at handling money as he isn't on a DMP. Man I need to scream. Currently his debt is actually more than mine and we earn the same!
I need to find a way to get through to him.
/rant over -
Sorry for hi-jacking your thread Raingold - I really hope you & OH work something out x

Raingold

Each time I try to talk with OH about his debts, he leaves the room/ignores me . I'll keep at it, but I think I'll have to wait until he gets his head above ground. Checked credit rating, only my loan, mortgage and secured loan there.
I'm going to do everything I can to make sure my children (13&8) learn how to budget and all the good stuff about money and never get into this situation, through their own choices or because of their partner.
The spending diary is helping and I'm keeping track of the standing order and direct debits, cash back/ATM and I've kept a running balance of what I've got left - hopefully overdraft charges will be minimal this month.

ladybez

Before anyone shouts me down, yes I know this is sneaky, but sometimes needs must. Can you go into Experian and Equifax giving your husbands details and create your own password? That would enable you to access his details and see how much is debts stand at. You could tell him you have done it or you may choose not to, be prepared for surprises though.

RAS

Raingold wrote: »

IThe person at the National Debtline said I can't be reponsible for OH's debts apart from the secured loan - but does anyone know what will happen if he goes bankrupt? our house in is joint names, would my credit rating be affected? .

You are financially linked to OH right now because of the mortgage and secured loan, so any financial disdemeanours on his part affect your credit rating.

If your OH were to go bankrupt, the Official Reciever effectively takes over control of his assets, including any equity in the house after the mortgage and secured loan are taken into account. Provided the cost of the mortgage is not too high (much more than the cost of renting a similiar proprty locally) the OR is unlikely to insist on sale of the house.

It will be possible to buy the Beneficial Interest back from the OR, perhaps at slightly less than the value (half the equity).

Are you in a financial position to do that?