Partner has massive debts and his head in the sand - help!!

no_more_cards_for_me

I've read your posts and there but for the grace of god go I. I was £40k in debt with cards, mostly due to spending money on scuba diving holidays, cars and diving kit. Glad to see the back of my debts and now debt free.

I'd be concerned as to what he is spending the money on as there is nothing to show for it, it's very difficult to spend that amount of money and show nothing for it, I had a garage full of bits and pieces whereas from your post this would not appear to be the case. If its not drink then perhaps he has some other vice ?? Ah - just re-read - Bookies ???????????

Good luck and please don't let him stick his head in the sand.

RAS

Can we clarify

Mortgage? due to end in 2020 - joint
Secured loan? 2005 £60,000 over 20 years - in whose name(s)?
Unsecured loan? - joint
Credit card debt? £25K ish since 2005 - in whose name(s)

shaven-monkey

Raingold wrote: »

You're right Ames, I don't know for sure about the credit card debt, but statements are coming from different companies and being shredded very soon after opening.

Well that's a red flag.
If you're paying for his spending it would seem polite to at least tell you what he blew all this money on in the first place.

battlestarone

get down to your local cab office asap and get it sorted,believe me,once you take the first steps you will stop drowning in the sea of dept and start swimming again,life will have to change,you will have to pull your belts in with spending,this is hard,but i can tell you once you ajust yo will be amazed at how much money you were wasting,you have to be stricked and have a budget every week and stick to it,once everything starts to work out and you get used to the changes of being on a dmp or das it will get much easier,the phone stops ringing,the pressure is taken off, and most of all you can sleep at night.....

the hard fact of life is if you dont get on top of this your going to loose your home,and thats a hard pill to swallow!!!!

get your OH and sit him down,find out where the spending/cash has being going,there may be an underlaying problem like gambling,this need to be looked at asap also.

but get down to your CAb OFFICE ASAP,dont delay!!!every day the intrest is piling on.act now.!!!!!!!!!!!!!

best of luck

Raingold

Hi Ras,
Mortgage - joint
Secured loan - joint although being paid by OH, payments are being made as I get statements sent to me. He took out PPI just in cas ehe's made redundant - unlikely as he works for NHS
Unsecured - I've got 12K, don't know about OH, but suspect 20-30K

saulhudson

Pollycat wrote: »

Oh dear, Saul, that's just so awful.

Good luck with the appointment at the CAB, do let us know how you get on.

This is a quote I wrote in another thread about my experience today with CAB?

Ok been to CAB and feel a little more happy as it would appear that although she does have 'Beneficial rights' the Inland revenue cannot move on them, we've been in this house only 4 years and as my name is sole owner they will not move on it, she could of course employ a solicitor (Which she can't afford, and earns too much for legal aid) but as the whole subject of 'Beneficial rights' is a bit of a nightmare to prove any attempts could take a bloody long time, in fairness she isn't even threatening anything like that.

But what a day, have spent all day on an emotional roller coaster, texting most of it between myself and my wife trying to get her to seek professional help via CAB, and then trying to gently ease her back into trying to rekindle our relationship, maybe wait six weeks with no contact whatsoever so she could 'sort herself out' and then maybe go for a meal, no strings attached just to chat to be told ''Maybe, I can't promise anything'' this is a girl who in the past would leap at any lifeline that would get her back, but for some reason she's digging her heels in, despite her car insurance payment just being bounced for no funds in her account, Inland revenue after her, at least five other debt collection agencies, no home to speak of, (Although I strongly suspect she's shacked up with this weasly little predator who's latched onto her) and zero cash, and then I find yet another debt landing on the door mat this morning!

She wants to cut all communication for a bit now, so as I now know the house is safe for a while I'm gonna do just that, up to now I've been so upset that I've just basically been texting 24/7 as it's the only way I could have any contact with her, now I find she's still living a lie, still in complete and utter denial, so I'm just gonna see what happens now, she's almost running on empty now so either I'm wrong and the Predator isn't involved, or I'm right and he's putting her up and looking after her, if so...he's welcome to both her and her debts, I'm just glad none are in my name, and my latest Experian check shows everything ok, so my turn to see what happens, my guess is she'll crash and burn and this sneaky little *7^% will disappear, (or maybe not who knows?) then to be honest it's up to her to prove herself to me if she stands any chance of coming back, not the way I'd like it, I do still have a lot of feelings for her, but I dunno now...she's done this to varying degrees all her life and never faced up to the fact that she has the problem....maybe this will make her...or break her?

Raingold

I've given my OH the pack from National Debtline - still now answers about what he's spent the moeny on. I read the pack and have started to keep a spending diary and by checking my online accounts and have worked out how close I am to my maximum overdraft limits.....roll on payday!

BLT_2

Raingold wrote: »

Hi Ras,
Mortgage - joint
Secured loan - joint although being paid by OH, payments are being made as I get statements sent to me. He took out PPI just in cas ehe's made redundant - unlikely as he works for NHS
Unsecured - I've got 12K, don't know about OH, but suspect 20-30K

The money is, quite simply going down the bookies. You mention that he likes to buy things for you and the children, its a cyclical thing, when he wins he buys you presents, in essence assuaging his guilt about the times he has lost.

I note you concerns that you will be able to sort it all before retirement, unless he avoids the bookies you will still be paying when you are 87:(

ERICS_MUM

BLT wrote: »

The money is, quite simply going down the bookies. You mention that he likes to buy things for you and the children, its a cyclical thing, when he wins he buys you presents, in essence assuaging his guilt about the times he has lost.

I note you concerns that you will be able to sort it all before retirement, unless he avoids the bookies you will still be paying when you are 87:(

I wish I didn't have to say this, but BLT is right. I'm usually a positive "can do" person but I feel that this situation is going to be very difficult to resolve, I'm not sure it can ever be sorted. Your OH really really needs to seek long-term help. You need to work out how far you can go to support him whilst protecting your and the kids' long-term financial and emotional security.

I am so sorry, wish I could wave a magic wand.

Linda xx

Raingold

I've tried talking with OH, he admits he's worried about his finances and has looked at National debtline info pack, but says he hasn't had time to complete the forms/statement of affairs.I still don't know where the money goes - he denies gambling more than the odd £10-20 a week. I know that some car bills have been expensive recently, but nothing to account for the debt he has.
I'm going to chip away at my debts - perhaps lengthen the term of my NR loan to reduce the mothly payments, I need to get myself in a stronger financial position because I think the worst will happen if the interest rates go up.