A little advice on how to juggle it all

Steel_2

I’m old-fashioned and have old-fashioned values. I don't look at what people say, I look at what they do.


From reading this and OPs other posts I see this: a guy who takes precious little responsibility for much and doesn't seem to be able to cope with much.


He couldn’t cope with maintaining an honest relationship with the OP or being being a decent husband and had an affair when she was pregnant.
He’s unemployed and living in a house belonging to his mother (I assume he gets JSA etc to pay for his bills and his mother probably lets him off the rest).
He couldn’t cope with doing the finances during the marriage so OP does. Now she’s been left with the bulk of the debt in her name.
He provides no money to the OP for the care and upkeep of his child. He pleads poverty.


He seems overly reliant on her still, even though they've been split for three months now. Right now he has his son to stay for a couple of days and nights a week. A fun little 20 month old toddler. And as he doesn’t work, the ex has all the time in the world to spend with him.


Now add a newborn into the mix.

Awake 2-4 times a night, maybe more if it has colic or is a poor sleeper. Requires feeding every 3-4 hours. Needs nappy changes 4-8 times a day. Requires bottles sterilising and made up several times a day. Can’t regulate its own body temperature. Has an under-developed immune system. Has a tendency to regurgitate its feeds every now and then, and regularly spits up over his clothes. Occasionally will be screaming for no apparent reason and without any capacity to tell him what's wrong like his toddler might be able to.


Now put them all together in a house with two dogs.

Now add when (or rather if) the ex ever gets a full time job and has to work 40 hours a week and is tired? Unless of course he’s planning on staying unemployed?

Being a fit and responsible father is not about playing with your kids and having fun with them while leaving your ex to cope with all the crap.


If he wants access, he needs to start taking responsibility by providing for his offspring and getting some of these debts paid up that were run up during the marriage.



Otherwise he gets everything he wants and OP gets nothing but fresh air and guilt trips, all the while trying to cope with keeping everyone happy except herself.

mumof1and1ontheway

Steel you are so correct.. so why can't I stop being all nicey nicey? I am starting to frustrate myself. I cant wait for this baby to arrive in the sense that I am looking forward to baby number 2 in the sense you should. What I am not looking forward to is all the hassle that is going to come from it. I constantly feel asthough I am trying to tip toe around what he wants. Feeling guilty constantly that I am getting child benefit and tax credits for my child and he isnt... even though I send nappies, wipes.. sometimes even food with DS1 when he sees his dad.

I think I am too used to how things have always been... when things went wrong he would blame the world and I would try and fix things. Even know he blames all this on me not accepting the 2 weeks break he wanted. All my love for him has now gone completely, but obviously I care because he is my childrens dad. And most of it really is guilt. I feel so sorry for him some days, but I also know he will never change and that he does not help himself in most situations. He is stubborn and wants things to come easy.

I suppose I see my life as the complete opposite, the more you put in the more you get out. I have met an awesome bloke who also has a child... who I am currently dating. If it doesnt work out so be it, but if it does then hey how nice that would be. Tbh I hoped that me finding someone, and my ex dating (for the 3rd or so time since we have been apart) would make him realise we will not be together EVER and that we have both moved on.

Tbh I apologise for my little rants I am in a very moaning mood today x

Steel_2

mumof1and1ontheway wrote: »

Steel you are so correct.. so why can't I stop being all nicey nicey? I am starting to frustrate myself. I cant wait for this baby to arrive in the sense that I am looking forward to baby number 2 in the sense you should. What I am not looking forward to is all the hassle that is going to come from it. I constantly feel asthough I am trying to tip toe around what he wants. Feeling guilty constantly that I am getting child benefit and tax credits for my child and he isnt... even though I send nappies, wipes.. sometimes even food with DS1 when he sees his dad.

Perhaps you are still holding on to the hope he will come good and start paying his way and shaping up? Perhaps you hoped that your separation might make him come to his senses?

But as you've said, he doesn't take responsibility and clearly this hasn't happened. He blames the world for the situations and the place he finds himself in. My father is like this - a man-boy. They look grown up. They smell grown up. But their behaviour is that of a child. My father blames everyone for everything and at 65 it's pretty sickening to hear him whinge on and on about how hard done by he is, even though he's a product of his own poor decisions.

You've spent so long..well...being a kind of mother to him I guess...that it's hard to get out of that. You've been rescuing him. That's what you do sometimes when you care for someone. You don't want to see them hurt.

But sometimes you lose yourself in the process. You do have to stop caring for him so much.

You have a exciting future ahead. And a new man! How has your ex behaved about the new man?

mumof1and1ontheway

I do keep hoping he will change. Not because I'd get back with him, even if he became perfect over night I would still refuse that. I hope more for his kids safe, and for the ear ache point of view. I do care far too much, but I do that with everyone. I cant help it.

Gingham_Ribbon

mumof1and1ontheway wrote: »

Another stress point is my mother will be at the labour... and so will the ex... and they do not get on. The last thing I want is to feel even more stressed!

Is that what you want? If you want to labour successfully, think carefully about what will be the LEAST stressful thing for you during it and do that, not what you feel is right for anyone else. Stress in labour blocks the hormones you need to deliver naturally and you could find it slowing down or even stopping because you're unhappy. Obviously, this CAN lead to a section.

If you want neither of them there, say so, if you want one of them there, say so. It's YOUR body though obviously the baby is part of all 3 of you. There will be time for the others to bond with him/her. Choose your birth partner/s with YOU in mind.

Speak to AIMS if you feel it would help. They can advise you well on this. [EMAIL="helpline@aims.org.uk"]helpline@aims.org.uk[/EMAIL]

Good luck. You sound like you could drive yourself nuts making everyone else happy! You are carrying this baby and looking after the other one. YOU get to decide what's happening. You have to consider others, that's all.

RedBern

you could also try talking to the midwife/health visitor about any informal help that may be available for you. May be that there's Surestart team which can provide some assistance with the toddler leaving you to have a rest with the baby?

Don't try to take too much on - OU is a big commitment, and also expensive. You need to be able to concentrate for a couple of hours at a time and, to be honest, being a single carer for 2 children, it's going to be well nigh impossible and will add to your stress levels. Why not see if you can buy any second hand OU books for the course you want to do, and have them around should you have a few minutes spare - but don't commit to a course until the baby is a little bit older. You're not superwoman - and you've got nothing to prove to anyone - least of all yourself! Relax and enjoy your children.

itsallinthemind

mumof1and1ontheway wrote: »

Anyway... I am planning to BF baby for the first 48hrs... and then mix feed by expressing and formula. As I feel that this will help me catch up on sleep when absolutely desperate as someone else can feed baby, and baby would have had at least some goodness. I am also terrified of how a new addition will effect my DS who is used to my undivided attention.

Mixed Feeding that early will lead to nipple confusion, it should not be attempted until feeding is established, which can be from 2 weeks to 2 months depending on Mum and Baby

Anyway DS's dad is hoping to have baby overnight from asap.. and I have said for at least the first few weeks this cannot happen... that he will have to come to me to visit to start with and then he can take baby out for an hour or 2, then make it longer and longer.

I would not set dates, you have no idea if you will be breastfeeding, expressing or formula feeding and this will make a difference to overnights. Also because baby will not be used to its Dad, it would be wise to build up day time visits, then outings, then finally overnights as baby will need to become familiar with Dad so they are easily reasured by their voice etc, that could be days, weeks or months

Advice welcome, please dont judge me over the not wanting to BF.. I am struggling in my mind with that one enough already As I feel so guilty! x

You may decide that you intend to breastfeed till the recommended 2.5 years or baby may go straight on formula as you can not feed, that's Baby's and your decision, last thing you want to do is stress about it

Another thing, do you want your ex at the birth or do you feel obliged?
Most hospitals allow one person and you need to have the person who will support you the most there

mumslave

hello hello, I see you have had lots of advice already. With regard to the formula/express feeding, I think you are doing the right thing, I have breast feed before and also mix fed and also exclusively express fed! If babe is going to be going to stay a night or so with daddy in time, it will obviously help if he or she can take a bottle. If you havent mix fed before though it is time consuming, you need to express every 2-3 hours or so to keep your supply up, just so you are aware.

In terms of letting babe go to stay over night with daddy, well that can only happen when YOU feel ready. There is absolutely no way in hell I would let my newborn (well okay he is five weeks, but still a newborn to me!) away out of my sight for even a few seconds. Even when dh is doing the night feed, i wake and cant sleep until my wee man is settled, its a mother thing.

Aside from that I cant give any further advice, as I have never been in your situation, but I do agree in trying not to plan ahead too much, but enjoy your pregnancy just now, its over so soon.

[Deleted User]

Steel you've made absolute perfect sense and told it how it is. I really hope the op can put your wisdom into practice. To all the others, lovely advice too and i really hope op can use this thread wisely and to her benefit.

To the OP, you still have over half your pregnancy left, so hopefully that will give you lots of time to sort your mind out, your situation and adjust little by little.

You will get there in the end, you have to, its wether you do it your way or his way!!

elfen

Why are you sending stuff with DS, surely ex should be paying for what his child needs when he stays with him....think that needs to stop too. He needs to be aware how much kiddies cost, and not just his DS, but also his next child.