A little advice on how to juggle it all

mumof1and1ontheway

This may be long so apologies if that is the case. In December me and my husband seperated. There is absolutely no chance of us ever getting back together (even though he keeps asking to). We have a 20 month old DS who goes to his dads 2 nights and 2 days a week. He seems happy and the unsettledness now seems to have dissapeared and he enjoys time with his dad, and also when he is home with me etc.

I am 22 weeks pregnant, due early August... DS's dad will also be babys dad (I was already pregnant when we seperated).
The advice I need... is how do I juggle it all when the baby comes? I know it seems a silly question.. but I feel I have done massively well as a single mum so far finding somewhere else to live, moving on my own and starting from stratch (I felt it would be less stressful if I left EVERYTHING in the house for the ex.. as I would be recieving CB and TC for my son, and would be applying for IS.. whereas he is currently jobless... and I couldnt be bothered dealing with the moaning of it all).

So I moved, bought everything from scratch and struggled up until now... we have joint debts which I have yet to sort due to having no money to offer them etc.

Anyway... I am planning to BF baby for the first 48hrs... and then mix feed by expressing and formula. As I feel that this will help me catch up on sleep when absolutely desperate as someone else can feed baby, and baby would have had at least some goodness. I am also terrified of how a new addition will effect my DS who is used to my undivided attention.

I am also wondering how to work access to DS2's dad... as DS1 will still see his dad the same as planned so far... he may see him more the first few weeks after baby is born while I find my feet... and there is a 1 in 4 chance I will end up with another section If that happens I have no idea what I will do!!

Anyway DS's dad is hoping to have baby overnight from asap.. and I have said for at least the first few weeks this cannot happen... that he will have to come to me to visit to start with and then he can take baby out for an hour or 2, then make it longer and longer.

But my other worry is... it will drive me mad having him round everyday for hours on end... and I am struggling to cope when he gets emotional and says he doesnt want to miss out.. then makes out as if all I have to do is take him back and all will be fixed.

I have recently signed up on an open university course... which will mean hard times... but I am determined not to be a stay at home mum forever, as soon as both children are at nursery/school I want to go back to work. It has broken my heart that I have had to give up university due to my situation.

Is anyone else in a simular situation? I am also in a new relationship now.. but I only see him once a week or so... and so far thats fine.. as I cant see myself getting serious for a long time now, my kids come first.

Advice welcome, please dont judge me over the not wanting to BF.. I am struggling in my mind with that one enough already As I feel so guilty! x

VfM4meplse

I believe in beng organised but IMO you may be wasting time over-planning when you should be enjoying your pregnancy. Plan for a financial contingency by all means, but who knows what may have changed by the time the new baby comes along?

Good luck

mumof1and1ontheway

I see what you mean, but atm my planning is making me feel in control if that makes sense? Plus it would be really nice for the ex to know where he stands before baby comes lol. I have allowed him to all of the scans (I have 2 more for growth which he will be at), and god knows what possessed me but I have said he can br present at the birth. I am trying to do everything right, plus more so that he does not miss out on his kids lives (even though its his fault we seperated grrr).. but sometimes I feel I am wasting my time.. like when he rings daily to ask me stupid questions like checking him emails or how to fix something. He is relying on me far too much still.. but I am far too nice to be nasty.

I just want to enjoy my life and my children... without all this stress. I have bought nearly everything I need for baby now, after weeks of denial and not allowing myself to think of the baby. So I am now trying hard to plan it so it seems a little more enjoyable.. but so far am failing x

xmaslolly76

There are a couple of ladies on the parenting thread who have recently had babies on their own it may be worth popping over and asking the question there :-)

Steel_2

I would have said he cannot have the baby overnight for the first few months, not the first few weeks. I strongly doubt whether your ex would be able to deal with the demands of a newborn alone, and I doubt whether you will want your precious gorgeous bundle disappearing out of the door for that long.

Do not let him railroad you with pressure or enthusiasm into doing what he wants when you are tired and scared of the future. If you don't want him round, you be strong and say no. Set strong boundaries for access from the start. It's not as if the baby will be interacting with him for many months after it is born so don't let him park his backside on your sofa for hours.

He wouldn't be the first man who thought he was clever by coming up with a reason to hang around his ex's place in the hope that 'something' might happen if they keep up the pressure.

Right now, it sounds to be he's doing a sterling job of getting the two of you back together. I think you need to be stronger with him, otherwise the sh*t will hit the fan when it hits home with him in many months time he's out for good.

It's not nasty to be assertive and ask for what you need. It's not being nasty to make sure he knows he has no chance of getting back with you. It's letting him know where he stands and not letting him have false hope. I know with DS and a baby on the way you can't make a clean break because of access issues, but make it as clean and firm as possible. Otherwise he will be hanging round you for hours every day for the rest of your life making it impossible to forge a new life for yourself.

You're being too nice and putting yourself last. As the baby's mother, you need to come much higher up the scale than that. Start pulling back from him. Don't answer the phone if he rings, turn off the answer machine. Speak to him every other day and then lengthen the time between phone calls. You should be able to have peace in your life.

Good luck! You'll be absolutely fine and I think from reading your post you will cope fine. Are there any options for having friends, family or a doola there to help you for the first few weeks if you do have a C-section?

ailuro2

I'd not give anyone a hard time for not BF, but imho it was a whole lot easier to whip them out whenever my DD needed fed than to go through the cleaning, sterilising bottles, making up bottles, heating them to the correct temperature.

It's also a grand reason not to let your ex have the LO for any length of time in the first few months.

Remind yourself daily it was HIM who played away, him who put you at risk by having unprotected sex with you while sleeping with someone else (I read your other posts)

You WILL manage, make sure you get/keep your other child into a good routine now, get your own routine organised so you always have clean clothes ready and something in the cupboard for dinner/lunch. Make good habits now and it will be easier.

I agree with the above poster, it would be very easy for your ex to hang around hoping to take advantage when he caught you in a down day (as you will know already they happen when post partum hormones are crashing all over the place) it would be an easy way for him to get things back to normal and get back with you.

Maybe he has learned his lesson, maybe not - tell him a reunion is not something you'd consider till he's got a job and made inroads into paying off his half of the debt - a little dose of reality will do HIM a power of good.;)

Steel_2

ailuro2 wrote: »

I'd not give anyone a hard time for not BF, but imho it was a whole lot easier to whip them out whenever my DD needed fed than to go through the cleaning, sterilising bottles, making up bottles, heating them to the correct temperature.

It's also a grand reason not to let your ex have the LO for any length of time in the first few months.

I agree. I don't have kids but I've always thought that whole bottle thing must be a real faff. I always remember my sister losing the plot in the kitchen one day when her DS was very small. She was so tired and it was just one more thing she had to do.

squashy

ailuro2 wrote: »

I'd not give anyone a hard time for not BF, but imho it was a whole lot easier to whip them out whenever my DD needed fed than to go through the cleaning, sterilising bottles, making up bottles, heating them to the correct temperature.

It's also a grand reason not to let your ex have the LO for any length of time in the first few months.

Thirded. I've done it all ways with my three but with my youngest we decided to co-sleep and breastfeed on demand- I was the most well rested person imaginable, a quick snuffle 3 or 4 times a night at first but not enough to wake either of us properly. Not judging you at all, because I've BTDT, just passing on a bit of good advice :A

mumof1and1ontheway

Thanks for your replies. I have made it fully clearn that I have no intention of ever getting back with him, which is why he tries the guilt on me.. but I just repeat everytime that we are no good for each other etc.

With the BF I BF my DS for 3 months and he had terrible colic and 2 months of being unsettled and in pain... turns out it was the BF'ing that caused it due to latching problems and him taking too much in each mouthful. So I am worried that may happen again. I also get embarrassed feeding in public so would end up never leaving the house and I worry it will effect my relationship with DS1 if I am constantly feeding.
I do feel that FF'ing after the first few weeks will be good for both me, baby and DS1.

With the access I am torn because I do want him to be a part of his babys life.. and its not the babys fault all this has happened. But sometimes I just wish I could make that part of life dissapear lol, as cruel as it sounds.

I am getting myself back on track, have gotten into a routine of taking DS out every single day even when I have no money and its just a walk to the park or into town. I am being very proud of the home I am renting, have decorated the kids bedroom... made sure I've kept on top of the house work and kept it clutter free.
I am starting to feel like ME again... but then the niggle of the ex keeps getting in the way of it. I am going to stop returning phone calls and texts... unless its about DS1. I dont mind a daily text asking how he is.. if thats all he asks etc.

I will also stop offering brews when he comes round to pick up DS1. And will be more strict on times to pick up / drop off.

Another stress point is my mother will be at the labour... and so will the ex... and they do not get on. The last thing I want is to feel even more stressed!

And as for if I have another section... I have no family members who can take time off work to be there for me and help me. So would be a case of DS1 having to stay at his dads for 2 weeks or so which I would hate, and would mean accepting more help from the ex and having friends round I do not really class as proper friends.

So I am trying to do everything I can now for a stressfree and healthy pregnancy in hopes I wont need a section again

mumof1and1ontheway

Squashy... with cosleeping.. how do you make sure its safe? I have never ever let my child sleep in my bed with me... due to the fact I have been terrified of sufocating him lol. x

kegg_2

Steel wrote: »

I would have said he cannot have the baby overnight for the first few months, not the first few weeks. I strongly doubt whether your ex would be able to deal with the demands of a newborn alone, and I doubt whether you will want your precious gorgeous bundle disappearing out of the door for that long.



sorry but why would a father be unable to cope with a new born baby?
Op has already stated she wants to mixed feed. She hasn't said any presure has been put on her to bootle feed and she welcomes the fact by mixed feeding she will be able to have a break.
It is his child as much as hers and clearly wants to take an active part in its upbringing which for the sake of the children should be encouraged.