Help explaining why we are not going to wedding

seven-day-weekend

I think a letter is in order, but this one is too long...just 'sorry I can't be with you but wish you well' to the bride and groom, NOT the parents (it is none of their business, just say you've discussed it with the groom and he understands). And you ARE going to the blessing, which is just as important. It's only the legal bit you are not attending.

We told my husband's best friend we couldn't go to his son's wedding in the UK (we live in Spain) because we couldn't afford a night in a hotel and had no transport from the MIdlands. They've organised a hotel room (4 *!) AND paid for a car for the entire ten days of our stay!

But we do not have a business to think about. I understand completely!

calleyw

sorry but anyone who organises a wedding abroad and expect others to fork to attend are a little bit selfish to expect everyone to attend.

If it was me I would be unable to attend not just to money but to the fact I don't like flying. And for my parents or future parent in laws to badger me to attend would feel the sharp edge of my tounge.

The letter is to long and way to formal. It is your choice to attend be it money or business, people should accept when people say no. I would not go in to much detail as to why.

If you OH's brother knows his brother well enough he will understand that you can't attend and not push it any further and respect your decision.

All the best.

Yours


Calley

sarahlouise210

The blessing in this country will be like a real wedding anyway - you must really push that you cant wait for this. Did your husbands brother want him as a best man? If so perhaps he could take on this sort of role for the blessing here. The letter is long but my guess is that is the sort of letter needed for the Mum and Dad! I do usually think weddings abroad are selfish but as she is canadian I expect she is getting married there to be with her family - are they coming for the UK blessing?.....thought not! Really they are just having 2 weddings..one of which you will share with them. It really is not worth Mum and Dad getting so worked up about - who else is going..do they not want to go on their own?

sphrp2

Susan. I've pm'ed you. Hope its useful

Lob_Rockster

my sister got married in England to a naturalised Canadian and when they went back, they had a blessing/party/whatever.

In my opinion, nobody can judge you for not going. He needs to tell his parents that it simply isn't feasible with what is a seasonally-affected business - end of story.

10 weeks notice for a transatlantic wedding is short in my opinion. Nobody can argue with that. Had the wedding been planned a little better then you might've made the trip to Canada your holiday - but it wasn't and you haven't.

I am sure the bride and groom actually don't have an issue with it at all. I know that, when I married my wife, many members of my family could not make it from the UK to our home here....that's fine. Don't bankrupty nor trouble yourself over a wedding - it's just a wedding !!!!!!

SusanCarter

Hi all, thanks for all your comments: they've been a real help.

Couldn't persuade him to phone parents as he felt they'd just continue trying to persuade him etc. so we've sent a letter but much shorter and with much less explanation. We've made the point that we've spoken to his brother about it and it is his wedding rather than theirs and that although we would love to go we really can't and that their response is making my husband feel worse about what was already a difficult decision. The letter is not exactly how I would have put it but definitely better than the long detailed explanation and he knows his parents better than I do and hopefully they will accept his decision and stop trying to make him change his mind.

I don't want anyone to think they are really terrible people as they are usually very nice and I've always got on with them. They just like to be involved with their children's lives and I think they find it difficult to accept they are no longer responsible for their children's actions. I think they also place greater importance on the actual wedding day (rather than the marriage which it represents) as they did say that our wedding day was the second best day of their lives after their own wedding. I don't think they are intentionally trying to make things difficult but they are upset and have not looked at it from other people's point of view.

seven-day-weekend

SusanCarter wrote:

......they did say that our wedding day was the second best day of their lives after their own wedding. .

How sad. What empty lives they must have, and how little their own marriage must mean to them.

LeanneF

seven-day-weekend wrote:

How sad. What empty lives they must have, and how little their own marriage must mean to them.

I think that's a little harsh. I got married recently & my parents were over the moon. I have never seen either of them smile so much in one day ever. It was quite overwhelming how happy & emotional they both were. I entirely underestimated how much they would enjoy the day itself & all the preparations leading up to it. My Dad did a 30-week wedding cake decorating course in order to be able to decorate my wedding cake & had kept Father's Day cards which I had made for him as a child, which he then returned to me during his speech. Its widely held that women dream of their wedding day all their life...I think it's also true that Mums & Dads dream of their children's wedding day too.

seven-day-weekend

LeanneF wrote:

I think that's a little harsh. I got married recently & my parents were over the moon. I have never seen either of them smile so much in one day ever. It was quite overwhelming how happy & emotional they both were. I entirely underestimated how much they would enjoy the day itself & all the preparations leading up to it. My Dad did a 30-week wedding cake decorating course in order to be able to decorate my wedding cake & had kept Father's Day cards which I had made for him as a child, which he then returned to me during his speech. Its widely held that women dream of their wedding day all their life...I think it's also true that Mums & Dads dream of their children's wedding day too.

OK, I take your point, sorry if I came over as harsh. I've always felt that 'the wedding' is an overpriced, over-hyped event. I didn't 'dream' of my wedding day. All I wanted was to be legally bonded to the man I loved as simply as possible and without spending a fortune and both of us would have preferred no-one else to be there. We organised it in a week and had about a dozen people there.

If my son ever gets married, I hope I will enjoy his wedding day, however, if it costs more than a few hundred pounds I will consider it to be a waste of money. I would also loathe months and months of preparation and planning. All I want for him is to be happy in his marriage, or happily single if that's what he choses. IMHO he can do all that without a huge, expensive, hyped up event.

Still, I suppose other people do look at it differently, so if that is what everyone wants, fine!

Mumstheword

Skipped thru some of this, so sorry if I repeat someone else...

It seems that your main problem would be rescheduling your regular customers to maintain good service.

With help from a qualified and willing gardener for the week before and the week after, could you maybe manage? Or even someone retired from the business who could help out the week before and then do a few remaining jobs whilst you are away?

If you could, then whenever you speak to the in-laws, put that to them as the only solution. If they want to help, they can attempt to solve that problem.