Help explaining why we are not going to wedding

SusanCarter

My husbands brother is getting married abroad at the end of September. It is quite short notice (10 week engagement) due to his fiancee having just got a job which involves moving to the other end of the country. Unfortunately because of my husbands business (self employed gardener) we can't make it. This has really upset his parents so he is going to write them a letter to explain why. We have written a draft letter and I was wondering if anyone could give tips on whather this is reasonable, what we should change etc. etc. as we really want to get it right. (They are VERY upset - I was shocked by how upset they are. :eek: )

Here's what we've got so far:

I understand that you are disappointed that we cannot make it to X and Y’s wedding. As I was unprepared for your phone call, I was did not explain properly why we are not coming so that you could understand. We thought long and hard about this and discussed all the factors and possible options at great length before I made the decision.

Susan spent a significant amount of time searching for flights on the internet and pricing up travel insurance, car parking for airports etc. Although money is tight, we would be able to manage to meet the superficial financial costs of going to the wedding. Unfortunately, money is not the only factor to consider.

If we were to go from Friday to Monday (which is the minimum as we would not travel on a Sunday), it would be necessary to take three or four days off from gardening. The flight leaving on Monday would be overnight and we would arrive in Manchester on Tuesday morning and then have to drive back home. Having flown overnight and then driven home on Tuesday, I do not know whether I would be fit to work on the Wednesday. Also a flight on Friday would mean that if there was some problem with the flight we could end up missing the wedding so a flight on Thursday would be more sensible. This means I would realistically have to take a full week off gardening.

In order to take such a large chunk of time off work, I really need to plan it well in advance and pencil in all my regular customers to ensure I can fit everyone in. The jobs I would have done during the time away must be put either forward or back and this squashes up the jobs in the previous few weeks and the following week or two. We planned our holiday at the end of August well in advance but already I am having to work this Saturday in order to fit everyone in despite having had virtually no bad weather recently.

If we (or I) were to come to the wedding, I would only be back for three weeks before going away again and this makes it difficult to rearrange things as the first week is already full due to the holiday in August. We had a go at rearranging the gardening to fit but there would have been less flexibility than in August and with bad weather usually worse in September, it would be foolish to think that I could fulfil all my commitments to customers if we came to the wedding.

If it were just a case of, “I will miss x jobs and therefore lose £y of income, it would be different but it is more than that. Aside from the fact that I do not want to let my customers down or mess them about, I must also consider the fact that my livelihood depends on my professional reputation. If I were to come to the wedding, I could risk losing current customers and lose new customers through recommendations. The potential damage to the business is not a risk I can afford to take.

I know that in the past I have seemed to have lots of free mornings and afternoons but at that time I was dependent on Xefits and was not really earning a living. In the last three years, the amount of paid jobs I have done has increased by about 60% and I have effectively changed from working part time to working full time. This increase means that I no longer have the flexibility I used to have to be able to take time off whenever I felt like it.

I also realise that other people have had to rearrange things to fit in with X and Y’s wedding however, these are not really comparable. It is one thing to miss something which is essentially a hobby but it is another thing completely to risk damaging one’s livelihood for the sake of a wedding.

I hope you understand that this decision had not been taken lightly and has taken a considerable time and thought. It was a difficult to decision to make but I hope you understand that the practicalities of my work mean that I do not have the flexibility to take the time off.

It is very unfortunate from our point of view that the wedding has been short notice and how it has fallen however, we understand and fully support X and Y in their reasons for this and would not wish them to change their plans just for us. Whilst we recognise that X and Y want to share this occasion with close family, and in an ideal world we would be there, the most important thing is that X and Y are getting married not who else is there.

wigginsmum

Sounds pretty good to me - what's their relationship like normally? Are there other issues going on here?

Lady_E

Just my opinion, I thought it was too long and gave too much details about business projects. At the end of the day the decision has been made that you are unable to go to the wedding. You have (I assume) replied as soon as this became apparent, and at the end of the day , IF there are any explanations to be given it should be to the couple. Weddings are always stressful situations , who to invite to the full day, who to invite to the evening etc etc but if you feel there may be fallout from your actions , get your husband to speak with his brother and fully explain your reasons , and maybe set a date after the Wedding that they could come and visit and show off the video or the photos. Good luck

conradmum

My initial reaction is that it goes into too much detail. I think this is a bad idea because A) it will allow them to pick holes in whatever you say and prolong the argument and upset and you are adults and do not have to justify your decision to anyone.
I think the paragraphs where you say how sorry you are at the way it's worked out are much more meaningful and to the point. I think what they probably need to hear is how much you would like to go but you simply cannot and can't think of a way around it, and that you understand how they must feel etc. etc.
Weddings are often an opportunity for families to show off to each other and this may be more about their hurt pride and worry about what other people will think and say. In which case there really isn't anything you can do to make them feel better except go to the wedding, so try not to stress yourselves too much about their reaction. You haven't done this on purpose, circumstances have conspired against you, so don't take responsibility for their feelings.

crutches

thats a very explanatory letter.wil you be sending on to X& Y too?

its good to end on a note about the real purpose of a wedding.

we married in our lunchbreak with 2 friends and cola in the pub afterwards! still here 11 yrs later.family may miss a wedding but that does not stop them loving you and taking part in your life.

Agutka

It is very nice of you to write a letter to them. My own wedding was also abroad, but it was planned with a year's warning. Everyone was very excited. I found out my in-laws weren't coming a good month in advance, but my SIL never even called to say she wasn't turning up - I still don't know why, as it was all planned. Some sort of apology would be nice. I was seething at the time, as one person out of hubby's family came to his wedding. Thank goodness for friends.

As to your letter, more emphasis on being sorry (are you?) - it seems a tad business-like. One of my friends could not afford to come but her long chirpy email made me smile and I like the way she ended it:

I'm gutted we won't be able to be there, but wish you lots of love and fun in the planning...anything we can do to help, let me know!

Good luck with the apologies

pozalina

Hi,

Just wanted to say sorry to hear you're having a difficult time with family about this. A letter seems very formal, is that the way things are sometimes communicated in the family? I know my parents would find a letter more upsetting than sitting down and talking or even a phone call. Is your DH worried that the emotions will take over and he won't be able to get his point across properly?

To answer your question anyway, the letter seems fine and clearly stares your points. I wouldn't say 'it is another thing completely to risk damaging one’s livelihood for the sake of a wedding'. The first part I think is fine, but they might take exception to the last bit, cos if my sibling referred to my wedding day like that, I'd be upset.

Good luck, I hope you work it out.

hjb123

I too felt that the letter was a bit too long - in my opinion it would be better shorter and maybe more to the point.

Whereabouts abroad are they getting married? Surely they realise the expense of people having to pay for flights, hotel etc to get there? Would there just be the two of you or are there children aswell?

Either way if I was getting married abroad I would totally understand that people - even close relatives - may not be able to attend becasue of the cost etc.

SusanCarter

wigginsmum: They get on very well. I think they like to be involved in their children's lives more than my parents (i.e. chats on the phone, visits etc) but I think his parents are probably closer tot he norm than mine.

Lady E: Personally I would not expect to have to give so much detail but if we don't give them a full explanation, they will not believe we have a good enough one. (e.g. when we got married my husband spent an hour explaining to them exactly why we had chosen each item on our gift list and why we had not asked for other things as they thought it was too short and that we had not thought it through.) We've already explained to his brother and we are going to the pre wedding blessing service they are having in this country. His brother seems to have taken it okay but his parents say he is "devastated". They also said "You can't not go to your own brothers wedding" and that they are devastated and it makes them want to cry. My family are completely different so their response completely shocked me and my husband thinks the only way to keep them happy is to explain it fully. If we do not give the full story, they will be trying to suggest different ways of solving it. They have already offered to pay for the flights and his other brother also phoned up to offer to pay for the flights. They also keep saying we should miss the service in this country rather than the one abroad if we have to miss one. Personally I wouldn't bother explaining it but my husband feels like we should explain it so we need help in how best to explain it. Thanks for your advice.

SusanCarter

Wow thanks for all the responses. I think that you are all right that it is too long and some of what you've said is what I've already told my husband but he feels obliged to explain. Maybe I should show him this thread.

The reason for a letter is that he will get muddled up if he does it on the phone as they will start asking questions and saying can't you do x or y or z? He finds it difficult to think clearly when he is under pressure and we thought that if we sent a letter they would have time to read it and think about it rather than talking on the phone and giving an immediate response.

We were planning to write more at the bottom about how we can help with the pre wedding blessing service and with moving house etc and how we are sorry that we can't make it etc. I just posted the explanation bit.

BTW I think I've thanked everbody but the buttons keep disppearing.

wigginsmum

With all due respect, your in-laws sound horribly manipulative and demanding to me. My mother was like that over my sister's wedding. I simply didn't go in the end because I loathed the man she married.