Help explaining why we are not going to wedding

Lydia.42

Hi
Is there any way you could move your planned holiday. Or is this already booked/got a deposit on?
Sorry, just wondering whether you could move your holiday and use a couple of days for the wedding, and have the rest to do with as you want. As you have already started moving jobs to cope with your panned holiday.
L

niceshoes_2

I can only echo what the the other posts say, the letter seems a bit too formal and to be honest, just by looking through it to me, it seems littered with excuses. If I read that I would think that you had created excuses for not coming - I think a direct statement would be better.

This statement would hack me off :
"I also realise that other people have had to rearrange things to fit in with X and Y’s wedding however, these are not really comparable. It is one thing to miss something which is essentially a hobby but it is another thing completely to risk damaging one’s livelihood for the sake of a wedding."

I think that it sounds a little patronising - what you are essentially saying is that your reason for not going is more important that someone elses. And the "sake of a wedding" line makes it sound unimportant, which to them it isn't. It also sounds a little dramatic - would your husbands reputation really be tarnished to the extent that statement reads - I don't think so.

I like Nicki's approach though - the reason has been given concisly, the meaning cannot be mis interpreted - you just can't go because of work commitments but her example goes on to say that you are sorry that you can't attend.

I think that this is important thing to illustrate, to show that you aren't being awkward, and that you do care, its just a case that your circumstances don't allow you to go.

Dead_Eye_Jones

Id just say I cant afford it. On the phone. I feel strongly about people thinking carefully before arranging expensive weddings abroad, if you arent going to pay for guests then I think it shouldnt be done. Its simply unfair to expect your guests to stump up cash, and totally unreasonable to assume that they are in a position to do so.

I recently turned down a stag do trip to Amsterdam organised by some good mates of mine. I told them bluntly how I felt and if they really wanted everyone to be there then organise a local trip. It so happened that I wasnt the only one who felt like this so they were forced to rethink and we all had a great time and could spend as much or as little as we wanted whilst out.


Anyways, GL.

fabwitch_2

I think the letter is too long. When my brother got married in Austrailia I just sent a note saying
"Sorry we are unable to be with you on your wedding day but we will be thinking of you both and wish you every happiness in your future life together".
Short and simple you do not need to go into any detail. Good luck and I hope all can be resolved without any more upset.

SusanCarter

The wedding is in Canada so we really couldn't do it in a day (although we can and are going to the pre wedding blessing in this country).

The holiday is booked and paid for already and jobs arranged around it. The point is that we couldn't rearrange all the jobs around anohter week off so soon after our holiday. Obviously if we'd had more advanced warning we wouldn't have booked the holiday and if the wedding was a couple of months later it wouldn't be a problem. With the timing and frequency of the flights and the distance we would have to travel to an airport, we really would have to take that long to go to it.

The reason for the bit about hobbies not being comparable is because his dad was saying that other people had had to rearrange things and be put out for it so why couldn't he do so for his own brother. We just wanted to somehow make the point that it is an unfair comparison to compare hobbies (such as an amatuer choir or orchestra) with a person's livelihood.

We couldn't say we can't afford it. Firstly, it is not true (although it would be very difficult) and secondly various members of the family have been offering to pay since his brother got engaged so they wouldn't accept that as a reason even if it was the reason (which it isn't).

The reason for so much explanation is because my husband feels obliged to explain it to them. After all of your responses, I think that we would probably be best just saying that we've already explained to his brother and that it just isn't feasible for us to go. I've honestly spent the equivilant of at least two working days trying to work out how we could go so it's not like we haven't bothered or anything.

We didn't actually tell his parents but about an hour after we'd told his brother they phoned us about it. They said they'd had some bad news and I thought that someone had died or something at first. We didn't involve them but now we're stuck trying to deal with the fact that his parents think we don't care about his brother getting married.

Lillibet_2

Hi Susan

I think a letter is a very good idea. It gives you a chance to explain everything in as much or as little detail as you see fit and the in-laws can't interrupt or forget as they can go back & re read it. Personally I do agree with others that it is very detailed & long but if this is what it will take to get the point across in one go then why not? It can be read at leisure and the facts fully absorbed.

I also think it's fab that you are going to the blessing in this country, what is the point of having a UK ceremony if not for the UK people who can't get to the Canadian ceremony? I'd labour the point a bit more that you are pleased to be taking part in the UK celebrations.

I would, however,also have your Hubby speak to his brother & tell him that he is sending this letter in advance. You can gurantee that there will be a flurry of phone calls around the family......"you'll never guess what's happend now......" kind of thing. If your BiL is really OK with you not comming then try to get him onside to back you up in your decision.

Oh, and for what it's worth, my uncle did not attend my parents wedding, my baptism or my wedding. Doesn't make him any less my uncle or my dad's brother. My grandparetns didn't bat an eyelid. When we failed to attend the baptism of one of his daughters (we went to the other 2) due to prior commitments there was the classic family row. Families eh:rolleyes:

Good luck;)

Benny24

Your letter is a bit too long, and a wee bit formal. I understand your husbands "breaking under pressure" habit on the phone, as I too can be like that!

Your commitment and discussion is with the bride and groom, not the parents, no matter how close they are as a family. It's the happy couple who need and should receive your apology for not being able to make it.

"Nicky's" post is spot on and a really fab idea.

You cannot please all of the people all of the time.

Best of luck

And anyway Canada is a LONG way to go for two/three days!

Searcher2

I like Nicky's suggestion too but I would probably even go as far as droppping the "It's taken me years to build up the business just so its a going concern, and at the moment I still can't afford to lose any of my longstanding customers for good." line and make it even shorter.

If the groom is understanding then that is the main thing. Your husbands' parents, if they are decent parents, shouldn't need to have everything explained to them. They should love him and respect is decisions. 'We can't go at such short notice' should really be sufficient. Maybe it is time for them to learn a lesson - I would hate to have to feel I had to explain everything in detail to my parents!

itsakidsworld

If you can't go, you can't go and so what's the problem with these people?

Personally I would not write a letter but I fully understand your reasons for doing so. However, it appears by the letter that you have got into a right state over this!

Life is for living and enjoying which means doing exactly as you feel confortable with, not what somebody else wants. Stuff the in-laws, horrible sit-coms are made about people like that. Shes not that Mrs Bucket is she, your mother in-law? Sounds like she is.

So if you let them get under your skin, you are not going to enjoy the next 10 weeks of your live and probably 10 years after!!

They sound like bullies to me. Hope you stick to what you want.

The very best of luck

Savvy_Sue

If either of you have spoken to the bride and groom, then you'll have an idea of whether they're fine with it or not. And if they are, then I'd stress that to the parents as well: "Yes, we're disappointed not to be there on Fred's big day, but he understands why we can't be, so could we leave it there please?"
And would it make things worse if the OP rang the inlaws and did all the explaining, rather than sending a letter?