Help explaining why we are not going to wedding

Spendless

conradmum wrote:

My initial reaction is that it goes into too much detail. I think this is a bad idea because A) it will allow them to pick holes in whatever you say and prolong the argument and upset and you are adults and do not have to justify your decision to anyone.
I think the paragraphs where you say how sorry you are at the way it's worked out are much more meaningful and to the point. I think what they probably need to hear is how much you would like to go but you simply cannot and can't think of a way around it, and that you understand how they must feel etc. etc.

totally 100% agree with this. eg if I was the digruntled couple I'd be saying in response to some of your letter, why don't you wish to fly on Sunday, why are you making part of the decision on something possibly going wrong with a Friday flight. Then you will have to explain again (in more detail;) ) and cos they aren't happy with your decision people will just not get your point.
I agree with the others stick to saying how sorry youa re circs mean you aren't able to attend.

Hope you sort it, After all it's a wedding for a day but they are family for a long time:rolleyes: .

Emmzi

I tend to think overseas weddings are quite selfish, given how much time and cash they cost people to attend. Whatever happened to a quiet do in your home town? If you marry abraod, elope and do it quietly!!

Refuse to be guilt'ed. If they really want you there they'll send you flights and a relief gardener to cover your workload!!!

"You can't not go to your brother's wedding" - rubbish. How about "my brother can't get married abroad"?

Ok, end of mad rant.. I'd send a nice card and a 'wish we could be there' and leave it at that. Invite them over for dinner and the inevitabley tortuous atching of wedding video when they get back.

And remember - THEY have put you in this position - not you - you should be mad at them, not the other way round!
xx

hjb123

Are you not able to maybe go and see them or the couple getting married and explain - or even meet somewhere?

Either way its your decision and they should be able to respect it - if I were them I would!

skylight

Agree with the above posts - the letter is too long.

But I also think that you need to add in some lines about brotherly love, how much you will miss the big day etc and how upsetting this choice is for you, but feel that any further discussion into the matter may tarr the big day itself.

I remember the big arguments for my wedding. My mums boyf was not invited (because he is a drunken bum) and my mother refused to go because she had to back him up - then she blackmailed my grandparents into not going (well she is our daughter....)

Argh! I hate *family* weddings! Nightmares!

Perhaps?

SusanCarter

Thanks for all the advice, I think I'll try to convince my husband that we don't give so much explanation.

To be fair, I don't think they are trying to be manipulative but I think they are too caught up in the emotion. Also my husband said that he cannot remember them ever telling anyone that they couldn't do anything regardless of how difficult it was for them to do so they have a different approach to things.

Also his brother is marrying a canadian which is why the wedding is abroad.

He has already explained (in less detail) to his brother.

My husband would probably cave under the pressure if he did it in person (and they live ~250 miles away) so it is better not to meet up. Also he would get muddled up with the explanation and I'd have to help explain and we don't want them to have any excuse to think that it is me that made my husband make the decision.

Nicki

I agree its a bit long and a bit formal. I would be inclined to say something along the lines of

"I'm really disappointed that I won't be able to make the wedding abroad. I've tried my best to re-arrange all my work commitments so I can attend, but I just can't fit them all in before we go off on holiday ourselves at the end of August. It's taken me years to build up the business just so its a going concern, and at the moment I still can't afford to lose any of my longstanding customers for good.

I wouldn't miss the blessing for the world, and we must get together as soon as you get back, so that we can watch your video and hear all about the day".

I would then follow this up with a telegram/email to the best man to be read on the day saying how much you wish you could be there, and give the best wedding present you can afford (after all you will be saving on the travel and accommodation costs).

Send it to the bride and groom direct - not the parents, then if the parents bring the subject up again say you've talked to the bride and groom direct about it.

SusanCarter

Thank you for all the advice, I was reluctant to put too much about being sorry as I feel like it implies we've done something wrong but maybe it would be a good idea to focus on how sorry we are and and how much we would have liked to be there. It's useful to have your views as although I would have loved to go I don't really understand what all the fuss is about. My dad wasn't at my wedding and my mum had none of her family at their's because her family wanted a big wedding and they wanted a small one so just went ahead and had it. It's therefore really useful to have other people's viewpoints and I really appreciate all your comments.

jiblets1

I think I wouldn't send the letter personally, as it takes the discussion into a whole new feeling of "official complaint". I would make bullet points of all the things you have written in the letter, and use them to make a phonecall instead.
I would start the phone call with something like "I've called to sort out the upset over the wedding, I'm sorry it's not possible but......."
And also make sure they know that you will be visiting/corresponding with the bride and groom as soon after the wedding as possible (depending on which you'll be able to do). That way they'll know you care. I guess the most important thing is to make sure that the groom understands. After all it it his and his w2b's day.

livinginhope

Hi susan,you haven't said where the wediing is? if in Europe then don't really understand why you can't just go for the day? stringing it out for a week is a bit much
Don't want to sound a bit off but deep down would you really like to go,or is the business just an excuse I'm sure he could take 2 days off for a wedding with 10 weeks notice sorry no offence meant

bylromarha

I know this situation, its tough, isn't it?

OH is self employed and we can't take time off at short notice. OHs sister is getting married in Cuba in November and we simply can't go as it's a busy time for his work + don't fancy taking a toddler + 4 month old on the flight + bit too much money on a holiday we don't want to go on.

We too have had pressure from the in laws to go (offering to pay for flights, changing thier flight plans to help us look after the kids) but they don't seem to understand that we've decided there are too many factors which mean its too difficult for us to attend.

OHs sister fully understands and is happy with our decision, OHs mum not so content and trying to guilt us into being there. Not letting it get to us though as sister is fine with our reasons and its her day, not her mums day.

Would agree the letter is a tad too long and detailed. The in laws will come back with more ammo is my guess (eg is it likely they could say "if you can afford the cost of travelling to the wedding, why not cancel your own holiday in August and we'll reimburse you for the losses? That way you can still work for the same time and you can have extended holiday time enjoying Canada"),

However, you know your family best so if the letter is the easiest way to get across your feelings and will have the best post wedding relationship, then so be it. All the best.