Maintenance & Contact Mediation

Kimitatsu

GobbledyGook wrote: »

It won't be the same. It'll never be the same.

However whilst that is true the children shouldn't go from the life they had to what they have now - a 2 bed flat and my part-time wage only to sustain them. [And before anyone starts on me, I don't think that's bad for children - I was brought up here. It's not the life the children have had and it's not what they should have when he earns so much.]

I'm not stupid and I'm taking legal advice. However I don't want to just do things legally. The children aren't an asset for lawyers to argue over. They are children whose parents should both be doing their best for. That's all I want. I don't want half of everything or lots of money for life. I want him to provide the children with a life similar to what they had.

Mainly I want him to start remembering that he is a father to two wonderful girls and an unborn boy. I want him to see those children as important as they were when we were married. He's trying to punish me for standing up to him and he needs to realise that while he can do that to an extent he mustn't take it out on the children.

Good for you Gemma! I know it has all come as a big shock but you are doing amazingly well and you need to stay strong for those little ones. I would just say though that he shouldnt be trying to punish you for standing up for your children (even though in reality that can happen from both sides - not aimed at you, just the comments that will fly from both NRP and PWC if I dont qualify it )

You are quite right that children should not be argued over but neither should they be used as a point scoring mechanism either, and your concerns are more than justified. The courts will always rule in the best interests of the child and whilst it can be in their best interests to see both parents, if the children are uncomfortable or unhappy then the courts will ensure that contact is only on a small scale or a supervised contact basis until the child has gained confidence in the other parent. From the scenario you have given, the contact you are offering is plainly in the best interests of the children, and if he is not happy then let him go down the CAFCASS route, its not about offerings its about knowing your children and what is best for them.

I know you had tried to get him to go to mediation before - is he still refusing to go? The courts like to see as much sorted out by mediation as possible, so if I were you I would make the offer again, so that you can try to get around the table face to face if possible. I know from experience that a solicitors letter can seem bl**dy impersonal and can get your back up without ever intending to.

Take care of yourself, hope you are feeling a bit better

moomoomama27

GobbledyGook wrote: »

So I should allow him to take the children every weekend, various nights of the week and for all of the school holidays? That's what his letter demanded (that also is to include our unborn child from the age of 4 weeks btw). I'm not "dictating" I'm responding to his letter where he tried to dictate the above.

He's not a bad father, but he's never had the children overnight on his own. They've never spent a night away from me except for with my MIL.

He doesn't know them. My daughters have changed - my bubbly youngest is a hysterical wreck everytime I leave her sight for longer than 5 minutes and my eldest has become so withdrawn that even her teachers are concerned about her.

You can think what you like, this is about the girls not being vindictive to my ex. It is paramount that he sees them, which is why we've been at home every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday at the times he originally planned to visit them when we first split. They've also been at his parents at their normal times when I was at work. He's not tried to see them - he did threaten to collect them from nursery and school and just take them overnight regardless of what I thought.

He's supposed to be seeing them here tomorrow for Easter - he phoned and asked and was told he was always welcome to see them. I've never stopped him seeing them, he just hasn't bothered.

I edited my message because I read your 'story' through your other posts!

GobbledyGook

Kimitatsu wrote: »

Good for you Gemma! I know it has all come as a big shock but you are doing amazingly well and you need to stay strong for those little ones. I would just say though that he shouldnt be trying to punish you for standing up for your children (even though in reality that can happen from both sides - not aimed at you, just the comments that will fly from both NRP and PWC if I dont qualify it )

You are quite right that children should not be argued over but neither should they be used as a point scoring mechanism either, and your concerns are more than justified. The courts will always rule in the best interests of the child and whilst it can be in their best interests to see both parents, if the children are uncomfortable or unhappy then the courts will ensure that contact is only on a small scale or a supervised contact basis until the child has gained confidence in the other parent. From the scenario you have given, the contact you are offering is plainly in the best interests of the children, and if he is not happy then let him go down the CAFCASS route, its not about offerings its about knowing your children and what is best for them.

I know you had tried to get him to go to mediation before - is he still refusing to go? The courts like to see as much sorted out by mediation as possible, so if I were you I would make the offer again, so that you can try to get around the table face to face if possible. I know from experience that a solicitors letter can seem bl**dy impersonal and can get your back up without ever intending to.

Take care of yourself, hope you are feeling a bit better

He's offering to go to mediation now thankfully. MIL tore him to shreds last week after I was signed off work and it seems to have got through to him.

He came today with Easter eggs for the girls and he ended up in tears when he seen the small one sat outside the bathroom waiting on me (she talks to me constantly and if I go quiet then she shouts "Mummy" in a panicky voice). Says he can't believe what he's done and will agree to my suggestions and will pay the first instalment of the maintenance we originally agree on on Tuesday.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed seeing us has made him realise I'm not out to get him - I encouraged the girls to be excited to see him, made big "wow" noises about the eggs, got him to help with the egg hunt and invited him to the park with us - and that he'll play fair now and put the girls first.

He tried to tell me how things weren't going well with the girlfriend, but I told him firmly (but politely) that I really, really don't want to hear about him and her.

I'm half expecting that come tomorrow once he's back with the "friends" that have been advising me I'm entitled to nothing, that I over-reacted to his affair etc he'll go back to being a nightmare, but hopefully the girls and the new scan pic of our boy will have brought it home to him.


Thanks for all the support. Sorry to anyone who bore the brunt of my snappyness, I'm just stressed up to the eyeballs and I don't really have many people to talk too (most of our friends turned out to be his friends really). Thank you

Gemma

chriszzz

Gemma,

I would just like to say "What a fantastic Mother you are" you are very focused on your children and amazingly level headed, you really should be very proud of who you are and your children will one day look up to mum for being there for them 100%.

I wish you well for the birth of your son and hopefully things will pick up for you and you children. :A

speedster

chriszzz wrote: »

Gemma,

I would just like to say "What a fantastic Mother you are" you are very focused on your children and amazingly level headed, you really should be very proud of who you are and your children will one day look up to mum for being there for them 100%.

I wish you well for the birth of your son and hopefully things will pick up for you and you children. :A

ditto that chris! :T

daska

Thanks for all the support. Sorry to anyone who bore the brunt of my snappyness, I'm just stressed up to the eyeballs and I don't really have many people to talk too (most of our friends turned out to be his friends really). Thank you

Gemma

Personally I think you have the patience of a saint, no need for apologies to people who haven't followed all you've been through. And TBH, the only people who would side with someone who's treated you like your ex has can only be shallow, materialistic thickos so you're no worse off without them. Your true friends are the ones who bring the wine to you, not the ones who don't visit cos you no longer have a cellar.

So glad to hear about the mediation - I hope he's had his LBM and things go more smoothly from now on.

big hugs

13Kent

If things are not going well with the girlfriend maybe he is thinking about trying to patch things up??? Something maybe to think about and be prepared for, whatever your feelings on this.

Glad things are looking up!

Best of luck!

GobbledyGook

Thanks everyone. I'm really nervous about the mediation, but he seems to be being more reasonable. He is coming tomorrow to give us a lift to swimming lessons as the walk really hurts me (I'm trying to really limit my driving atm as bubs is occasionally kicking me under the ribs and it's taking my breath away - I'm frightened it'd be dangerous in the car) and has offered to pay for them too which is nice of him.

chriszzz & speedster, thank you for that. That's very lovely of you to say. I appreciate it.

13Kent - he knows that's not an option. Learning that wasn't an option was what turned him into a nightmare so hopefully he's just readjusting his focus a bit.

I've been signed off work again which I'm a bit gutted about, but it's not unexpected. Thankfully my boss seen the state of me and has been understanding as I'm just in constant pain.

Thank you for all the support folks, I really do appreciate it big time.

Gemma, the girls & the bump x

Loopy_Girl

Fingers crossed for you Gem

Bit of a pain (literally!!) having a difficult pregnancy on top of everything else but at least you know that pain in the @rse will end (unlike the hubby tee hee!!:D) and how excited must you be getting a son after 2 girlies!!!:D

Hope it all goes well and I may not always comment on things you write but I am reading every one of them and are rooting for you:j

LG xx

ballsonyournose

Gemma, i must congratulate you. Sounds like you are doing fantastically well considering. Two kids and and a bump (what to mention those evil stairs)! Bravo.

You gave up uni and a career, even if you arnt entitled to what you want through the CSA, your divorse lawyer should advise you about alimony.

Regarding contact, what you are offering is pretty much what the court will give if you make it difficult. Im sure his lawyer will advise him its pointless going to court when you are being reasonable about contact.

Through the courts, you wont be able to dictate contact between his girlfriend and your kids, unless there is a proper reason, like your kids being in danger.

When i dragged my ex through the courts, she wanted to inspect my home (where i live with my fianc!e), she made everything really difficult, but the courts basically slapped her for being unreasonable.

Hopefully your ex provides for his kids, all those little things which make their life enjoyable. Im sure he will come to his scenes and realise its not about denying you anything. In your situation, i think a private arrangement could work well, him paying you a nominal fee, as well as providing horse riding and things directly to your kids.

Half the fear the NRP has is about you spending his money on yourself. So my advice is to eliminate that fear, and continue to be reasonable about contact.

Im surprised you didnt stay in the 6 bedroom house? It pretty much would have been yours if youd stayed with the kids.