Maintenance & Contact Mediation

Honest_broker07

Sorry OP you can't offer here.

your ex has a court order for contact, keep breaking it and you will be in contempt, if you get sent to jail guess who the gets the kids !

GobbledyGook

jacklink wrote: »

you say your 'offering' is 1 evening a week to start with, why is it that you seemingly think you can play god with children and why does daddy need time to get to know his kids again, its always baffled me (fair enough maybe after a very long time span of years) but come on, is it not about do as i say im in control here cos i have the tools to do it with?

It's not about being in control at all. It's about protecting my children. My children curently feel totally abandoned by their father.
The youngest had to be brought home by my PIL last night because she got hysterical when they took her to their house despite going there overnight many times in her life. She's been hysterical every day she's been at nursery for the last month or so. It's so bad at the moment that if I go to the loo she sits outside the door.
My eldest has been asking constant questions about what happens when you stop loving people. If Daddy stopped loving me (which is what he told her - I said that wasn't the phrase to use to such a young child) then has he stopped loving her? He told her he didn't, but now he's not seen her for so long maybe he has now. Despite me doing my best to tell her that he does love her and telling her he's just very, very busy just now, but that he'll always love her she's still wondering why he hasn't seen her. She's wondering why he won't answer the phone when she rings or ring back when she leaves a message. She's had nightmares every night since we moved house and the stress of it all has exacerbated her epilepsy and eczema.

I don't want to control my ex. I'm massively pregnant and suffering so bad from SPD that it's agony to walk (and we are 2 floors up in this flat) - trust me I could be doing with him taking the girls to give me a break.

However it's not about me, it's not even 100% about him. It's about our girls and the fact that the single last thing they need right now is to feel abandoned by me too. Daddy needs to build up his relationship with his children again because they have zero trust in him right now and because what has happened recently has changed the girls.

How about some of you look at it from the other side - why should he get to dictate to me when he has the girls, how long he has them for when he hasn't clapped eyes on them for more than 2 months- why should his wants come before what is best for the children?

GobbledyGook

Honest_broker07 wrote: »

Sorry OP you can't offer here.

your ex has a court order for contact, keep breaking it and you will be in contempt, if you get sent to jail guess who the gets the kids !

He doesn't have a court order. Either you are mixing my posts up with someone else or you aren't reading what is written.

We haven't been near a court. He sent a letter telling me that he was having the children every weekend, nights during the week and all of the holidays. You saying that's fair? When do I take them to the zoo? When do I take them on holidays? When do I do anything other than taking them to school/nursery and putting them to bed?

moomoomama27

I've just read your history and my post is not relevant at all. So I've removed it! I'm sorry for the situ you are going through, sounds like a nightmare, all the best xx

lizzielondon

Honest_broker07 wrote: »

if what you are asking for is £200 more than CSA figure then adding in 1 child will only increase the CSA payment by 5%. but you are saying it will be £200 more than he's paying ( so a £400 difference )

now if you are saying that 5% of his salary is £400 a month that means he's taking home over £8,000 a month :eek: :eek: :eek:

CSA is 15% 1 child, 20% for 2 and 25% for 3 or more

that would be approx £160,000 before tax salary? in certain positions that's not unusual and given the OP said their home had 6 (i think?) bedrooms, for certain parts of the country this would make sense

If that is his salary then i don't think what the OP is asking for is unreasonable at all. As she has said she gave up uni to support him, grew three children inside her for him, and has supported him as a partner to achieve in his career.

I don't know anything about how the CSA etc works, i'm just trying to point out that the arrangement the OP wants to come to seems reasonable- if i have misunderstood anything then i apologise

good luck OP xxx

PlayingHardball

Kimitatsu wrote: »

I think she realises that things will not be the same so please can we keep to constructive help and try not to comment on the financial amounts, as that is something between the two of them.

From op..
"Money is going to be contentious. He doesn't agree with what I want, but I'm a bit more confident now that he should pay an amount that allows the girls and our new baby to live the life he does and we did."

Not many here will be in the same position as the OP, but I would say from experience that things may not be the same after separation from someone who is on a high income, there is little chance that children live life as it was financially whilst parents were together, and I would be very careful to suggest to anyone that they should expect little, or not change.

GobbledyGook

moomoomama27 wrote: »

I think you are making a huge mistake dictating contact. I'm not saying it to be mean, but it will back-fire if you use the children in a visitation war! If he is of no danger to the children, then I think it's absolutley paramount that contact should take place soon, ( I would be very forceful on that matter) and be regular and not an overly short amount of time. He is their father, he knows them, they know him, so why does he have to prove himself, was he a bad father?? It's up to him to explain himself to the children, and let them ask him questions. It's a very new breakdown of marriage, so things are bound to be very raw, and there is bound to be alot of bitterness, anger and resentment there.

So I should allow him to take the children every weekend, various nights of the week and for all of the school holidays? That's what his letter demanded (that also is to include our unborn child from the age of 4 weeks btw). I'm not "dictating" I'm responding to his letter where he tried to dictate the above.

He's not a bad father, but he's never had the children overnight on his own. They've never spent a night away from me except for with my MIL.

He doesn't know them. My daughters have changed - my bubbly youngest is a hysterical wreck everytime I leave her sight for longer than 5 minutes and my eldest has become so withdrawn that even her teachers are concerned about her.

You can think what you like, this is about the girls not being vindictive to my ex. It is paramount that he sees them, which is why we've been at home every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday at the times he originally planned to visit them when we first split. They've also been at his parents at their normal times when I was at work. He's not tried to see them - he did threaten to collect them from nursery and school and just take them overnight regardless of what I thought.

He's supposed to be seeing them here tomorrow for Easter - he phoned and asked and was told he was always welcome to see them. I've never stopped him seeing them, he just hasn't bothered.

GobbledyGook

PlayingHardball wrote: »

From op..
"Money is going to be contentious. He doesn't agree with what I want, but I'm a bit more confident now that he should pay an amount that allows the girls and our new baby to live the life he does and we did."

Not many here will be in the same position as the OP, but I would say from experience that things may not be the same after separation from someone who is on a high income, there is little chance that children live life as it was financially whilst parents were together, and I would be very careful to suggest to anyone that they should expect little, or not change.

It won't be the same. It'll never be the same.

However whilst that is true the children shouldn't go from the life they had to what they have now - a 2 bed flat and my part-time wage only to sustain them. [And before anyone starts on me, I don't think that's bad for children - I was brought up here. It's not the life the children have had and it's not what they should have when he earns so much.]

I'm not stupid and I'm taking legal advice. However I don't want to just do things legally. The children aren't an asset for lawyers to argue over. They are children whose parents should both be doing their best for. That's all I want. I don't want half of everything or lots of money for life. I want him to provide the children with a life similar to what they had.

Mainly I want him to start remembering that he is a father to two wonderful girls and an unborn boy. I want him to see those children as important as they were when we were married. He's trying to punish me for standing up to him and he needs to realise that while he can do that to an extent he mustn't take it out on the children.

PlayingHardball

GG, I'm totally with you and in agreement. Stay strong and fight for what is right for you and the children.... his financial responsibility, even if he doesn't recognise this or the moral responsibility, keep on, I'm sure your solicitor will tell you that he will HAVE to pay up whether he likes it or not.

Honest_broker07

OP

I'm sorry I confused this with another thread I've been reading.