Maintenance & Contact Mediation

GobbledyGook

Me again - sorry.

The ex has agreed to a mediation meeting to try and sort some things out for our girls and our divorce. Apparently he wants to get things sorted "once and for all" so - just in case he does mean it - I want to make sure I don't miss/forget anything.

I've lost faith a wee bit in the my legal help. She's very intent on going for the jugular and whilst I don't want him to walk away scot free I'm not greedy either.

So firstly is contact. I want him to build up by taking the girls for a few hours once or twice a week for a good few weeks as he hasn't seen them for a good while now. That would lead onto him taking them one evening a week then all day on a weekend day, again for a few weeks building up to his overnights.

C is 6 and E is 3 and my "offering" is that once he's rebuilt up his relationship with them he should have them 1 evening per week after school/nursery for tea then alternate weekends Fri after school until Sun evenings. When he is working weekends then the girls should be with me, if that means I have them 2 weeks in a row then he does then so be it. There's no point in him having them to just leave them with babysitters.

I'm going to ask that when he does do overnight he either has them in the marital home or at his parents to begin with. I want him to gradually introduce his girlfriend. If he does have them at the girlfriends then I feel strongly that one of her spare rooms is turned into a room for the girls - they need to feel like they belong there.

The new baby will have to be discussed once he arrives. I'm intent on breastfeeding exclusively so there will be no overnights for a good few months.

Money is going to be contentious. He doesn't agree with what I want, but I'm a bit more confident now that he should pay an amount that allows the girls and our new baby to live the life he does and we did.

I'm asking for £300 a week maintenance, E's nursery fees (he insisted she attend and she's only there until August), C's horse riding (he started it with her) costs and E's when she starts, our rent for a house (although when I get income from renting the flat that will come down) and the monthly contribution we had been putting into my pension fund (not much to him, but will be important to me). He did originally agree to everything bar the pension (I hadn't thought of it) before things went ugly.

Other than that I am happy to take the legal's advice on the house and things like the shares and savings (She's asking for a straight split down the middle, but expects us to come out with about 40%).

Does it sound fair? I'm just hoping and praying he means it and we can get on. He got a shock when his Mum gave him what for the other day about my BP and how much I'm struggling so fingers crossed.

Gemma x

markeymark

if he hasn't seen the kids then yes you are quite right iwth protecting them and gradually building up established contact, regarding maintenance its impossible to comment, how would what you are asking for compare to what CSA would assess?

speedster

all sounds perfectly reasonable to me really.

the only part you may have trouble with is the bit about slowly introducing his GF etc.

he could successfully argue that you jump through that very same hoop if you meet someone new.

that one is always a sticky one, especially when the GF involved is the one that basically broke up the family in effect.

what you have to ask is, if the tables were turned and he voiced his disapproval of the children being around your "new fella" how would you react?

i had all this with my ex, refusing to let me have my daughter around my now wife, yet she moved some bloke in with her and our daughter after about 6 weeks, and obviously i had naff all say in it at all.

i say, what's good for the goose, is good for the gander.

GobbledyGook

Speedster - he could insist on that if I meet someone all he wants. TBH he wouldn't need to insist because I wouldn't be quickly introducing them to someone. I think it would actually be more important for me to do slow introductions as if I ever had a serious partner they would/could be a daily part of life. I've always done what is best for the children since I had them, even if it wasn't always best for me (exclusive BF'ing when I couldn't express being an example).


Money wise it's about £200 a month more than the CSA would calculate on his basic salary from what I can work out. However that is only for the 2 children so once the new baby arrives it works out at £200 a month less than CSA. It also doesn't take into account anything other than his basic salary and if my pension pot gets paid into I'm not interested in going for part of his (despite it being considerably bigger).

I just want to be fair. It's so easy sitting with the legal folks to get pulled into their way of thinking and get so bitter. I'm trying so hard not too.This is going to be our children's lives, I don't want their childhood memories to be just us at each others throats over money.

Thanks
Gemma

moomoomama27

£300 a WEEK maintenance??

speedster

perhaps your ex should read your posts in here GG.

sounds to me like he doesn't know how easy he could have it. still, we all have crappy exes.

that's why we're here! :beer:

GobbledyGook

speedster wrote: »

perhaps your ex should read your posts in here GG.

sounds to me like he doesn't know how easy he could have it. still, we all have crappy exes.

that's why we're here! :beer:

If only he would Speedster. Hearing what some people go through with their exes to see their kids might make him realise I'm not being "twisted and evil".

I just hopes he realises soon that the children are still entitled to all the things they would have had if they lived with him full-time. That's all I want, nothing more, but nothing less.

clearingout

Hello again! goodness don't you and I have a lot in common! My older children are aged 5 and 3 also (and then there's that breastfeeding baby!!!). For what it's worth, the contact you are suggesting is exactly the same as CAFCASS recommended for our children in terms of the overnights. So hopefully he will go for that as if he goes to court over it, it would seem that is likely what will come back at him anyway.

In terms of the girlfriend - yes, your children need a room in her house but you won't be able to make this a condition of contact (I know you're not really suggesting that). You'll just have to ask for it and hope he (and she) go along with it. The gradual introduction is reasonable - but once again it's not something you can dictate (mine introduced our children only 8 days after leaving me, telling me he was wanting to sort things out and he wasn't seeing anyone, and told the boys to keep it a secret from me! As if!). The fact is, if he wasnts to introduce them, he will. Just be prepared for that. And any fall out.

In terms of money, I am not very good at the number crunching. This site won't let me promote another but I'll PM you the web address of a great divorce site where you can get advice on this.

Hope that helps.

Honest_broker07

I'm asking for £300 a week maintenance, E's nursery fees (he insisted she attend and she's only there until August), C's horse riding (he started it with her) costs and E's when she starts, our rent for a house (although when I get income from renting the flat that will come down) and the monthly contribution we had been putting into my pension fund (not much to him, but will be important to me). He did originally agree to everything bar the pension (I hadn't thought of it) before things went ugly

!!!!!! what sort of money is he on presumably we are talking at least 750 a week in total for you so he'd need to be on £3,000 a week take home with the 3 kids.

Rikki

Honest_broker07 wrote: »

I'm asking for £300 a week maintenance, E's nursery fees (he insisted she attend and she's only there until August), C's horse riding (he started it with her) costs and E's when she starts, our rent for a house (although when I get income from renting the flat that will come down) and the monthly contribution we had been putting into my pension fund (not much to him, but will be important to me). He did originally agree to everything bar the pension (I hadn't thought of it) before things went ugly

!!!!!! what sort of money is he on presumably we are talking at least 750 a week in total for you so he'd need to be on £3,000 a week take home with the 3 kids.

I agree with Honest_broker07;31491661 You are very unlikely to get all the financial help you are asking for. You are not entitled to the same standard of living once you seperate.

GobbledyGook

Rikki wrote: »

You are not entitled to the same standard of living once you seperate.

I may not be, but our children most certainly are.


Thanks to all who've helped. He's coming to see the girls on Sunday for Easter so hopefully his tantrum is over and we'll start to get somewhere.