Leave alcoholic partner?

rose28454

My OH tried to get sober 3 or 4 times in the 5 years or so and never succeeded until we split 2 years ago. He cant remember moving out or the first month in his new flat. He now has a nice cottage and is 2 years sober. He is trying hard to rebuild his relationship with his children gradually but even now my 26 years old son ( who is an intelligent lad ) gets really panicky if he calls him and he does not answer. He and his sister have been disappointed so many times they still find it hard to realise that for now our lives have some semblance of normality. I am having to sell my home in order to clear the debts and mortgage and although I am sad I am looking forward to having a home of my own. I now have a cordial relationship with oh and although I could be bitter about what went on I have to move forward. I send my best wishes to OP and would just say he has to want to be sober for himself or else it seldom works.

Morglin

Corvus wrote: »

Same old story. I'm not a new poster.

How long do you wait for an alcoholic to get sober? He's in a treatment centre, second time around after managing just a few weeks off the bottle. He said anyone would drink if they had to live with me.

He lost his job last year due to drink. My wages aren't enough to pay the mortgage. We're running out of money but he says if I divorce him then I'm not giving the marriage and family a chance and he will get sober.

any advice welcome ... especially from people who have been in this situation...

His behaviour is down to him, and he is the only one responsible for how he is, but he is doing what druggies and alcoholics do, which is to try and shift the blame onto someone else.

They see themselves as victims, when actually the real victims are the ones that have to deal with the fall out from their behaviour.:mad:

I would do what will make you happy - if you'd feel better apart from him, then go for it.

The only one that can cure his drink problem is him, so I would make your own life and let him deal with his own addiction.

Lin

Lotus-eater

Corvus wrote: »

Just to clarify - he went into rehab, he came out, he drank just two weeks later (definitely - breath-tested by police to confirm) then as a result of that he then went back into rehab, where he still is.

I see, so from what I understand, it makes no difference to you whether he is drink free or not.
Either that, or you completely disbelieve completely that he can stay dry.

Why has he gone into rehab?

Pee

If you have decided that it is completely over and there is no way back, I think you have to let him know this.

I think you have done the same as I did and stuck your head in the sand until you couldn't carry on.

If he was a good father until a short time ago, it makes me wonder if you are being too rash, but that is a decision to you.

As regards whether you will have to move and what money he will be bringing in, I would anticipate a period of benefits without working for him and be pleasantly surprised were anything else the case. If he is an alcoholic, about to lose the one thing that might have been able to keep him sober - his family - I'll be very surprised if he can pick himself up and sort himself out. I think this means the CSA will collect £5 from his benefits.

fluffnutter

corvus, you know what you need to do. You're probably just scared that you don't have the strength. Try https://www.al-anonuk.org.uk if you haven't already. Good luck.

Corvus

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I see, so from what I understand, it makes no difference to you whether he is drink free or not.
Either that, or you completely disbelieve completely that he can stay dry.

Why has he gone into rehab?

It does make a difference to me whether he is drink free or not - I don't know why you said that, sorry. My original question was how long you wait to see if a drunk gets sober... I'd like him to get sober but he keeps failing. I'm very sad about the whole thing.

As to why he's gone into rehab again, well, I suppose only he can answer that. I think he likes it in a way. You don't have to feel so bad about yourself when you're surrounded by other alcoholics who've behaved as badly, or worse, than you. Or maybe he really wants to get sober.

Pee wrote:

If he is an alcoholic, about to lose the one thing that might have been able to keep him sober - his family - I'll be very surprised if he can pick himself up and sort himself out.

I thought that addicts only picked themselves up and sorted themselves out once they'd lost everything? The family doesn't seem to have kept him sober thus far.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

And don't forget, he will be with lots of people who can say 'poor you, it's not your fault, it's how you are, you're just powerless over it'

plus he can get rather nice Librium if he convinces them he's suffering from withdrawals.

Food provided, meds provided, people listening to him, he can be the Rehab expert because he did it all a fortnight before, the odd pottery class, swim in the pool, TV.

No responsibilities.

It's sad, but 5 year outcome rates aren't promising.

Savvy_Sue

I don't know so much about alcohol addiction, but certainly with drug addiction it takes on average 7 attempts to get clean and stay clean afterwards. As that's an average, some people obviously manage it first time, and some take many more than 7 attempts.

How long someone stays clean / sober between attempts also varies quite widely.

I know I would struggle to live with the uncertainty, especially in the early days.