Leave alcoholic partner?

Fourcandles_3

I grew up with an alcohoic parent and then ended up with a controlling and abusive husband.

Get out. It will be hard and probably get worse before it gets better, but get out. A year on things are still difficult but the best thing for all of us was my leaving. My kids are far more settled and I'm almost back to the person I was.

I really wish you well.

Chinkle

Corvus wrote: »

He said anyone would drink if they had to live with me.

I know it's the drink talking, but unless you move on he's always going to blame you when he slips back into old ways. I agree with the poster who said until he hits rock bottom he is always going to blame someone else and not take responsibility for his own actions. At the moment, you're standing in the firing line for his excuses.

Corvus

ailuro2 wrote: »

...maybe you can have counselling together at some time in the future to see where you are going wrong.....;)

He has actually suggested this!

Thanks to everyone who replied. The big thing stopping me leaving right now is the children. I feel bad about the finality of divorce for them, just in case there is a tiny chance that he can recover. However he is not much of a Dad whether I divorce him or not, so I'm effectively a single parent already. The children can't be left alone with him because of his drinking. They are also frightened of him when he drinks and cannot see why he can't stop.

I do know what I should do. It's just that I know people who have recovered (sorry, are in recovery). They are probably in a tiny minority though, out of all the addicts there are.

The other thing stopping me is the good memories... but in reality there are not many and they are from a long time ago.

Lotus-eater

Why don't you just say to him, if you drink once more that's it, you leave.

Then you both know where you are.

But from what you are saying, even if the drink wasn't around, you don't think he is much of a Dad, so do you want him bringing up your kids?

hurricanewyn

Hiya - I don't have personal experience of what you're going through, but my best friend's dad was an alcoholic. They lived on the same street as us and everyone knew about his problem - some Sunday afternoons he would have to be carried home by the kids out playing out on the road. He lost a few jobs as a mechanic, because of drink driving convictions. My friends mum always said that she would leave once the kids had moved out (this was before divorce became legal in Ireland) but that they deserved two parents - although that meant they had to spend a lot of time with neighbours/family etc as she had to work 2 jobs to pay the mortgage etc and they couldn't be left alone with Dad who would drink a lot.
In the end, her two daughters both now resent her for not doing something while they were younger - they feel he's been allowed away with this behavior for over 20 years now with no real chance of changing now and feel like they were used as an excuse for their mum not to leave. It's sad really, because neither has much to do with her anymore. Mum and Dad are still together - almost co-dependent after so long living with alcoholism.

Corvus

Lotus-eater wrote: »

But from what you are saying, even if the drink wasn't around, you don't think he is much of a Dad, so do you want him bringing up your kids?

No I don't want him bringing up the kids, not the way he is now. But he used to be a much nicer and better Dad (not very long ago) and the kids adore him.

eco

Corvus wrote: »

He has actually suggested this!

Thanks to everyone who replied. The big thing stopping me leaving right now is the children. I feel bad about the finality of divorce for them, just in case there is a tiny chance that he can recover. However he is not much of a Dad whether I divorce him or not, so I'm effectively a single parent already. The children can't be left alone with him because of his drinking. They are also frightened of him when he drinks and cannot see why he can't stop.

Speaking as a child of an acholic parent, it was a nightmare, we never had any money, my mum had to work nights partly to get away from him and for the money, he was a pain to live with and didn't need to drink, if I had a penny for every time he said he didn't need to drink I'd be extremely rich, the arguments have left a scar, it wasn't nice waking up during the night hearing your parents arguing over drink.

The kids probably want to see the back of him, my mum took years to get the courage to divorce him, but life was better when he'd gone, even now I'd wish she'd done it sooner, but been catholics your led to believe at school that's bad, well it wasn't worse than having a dad like that.

Corvus

eco wrote: »

Speaking as a child of an acholic parent, it was a nightmare, we never had any money, my mum had to work nights partly to get away from him and for the money, he was a pain to live with and didn't need to drink, if I had a penny for every time he said he didn't need to drink I'd be extremely rich, the arguments have left a scar, it wasn't nice waking up during the night hearing your parents arguing over drink.

The kids probably want to see the back of him, my mum took years to get the courage to divorce him, but life was better when he'd gone, even now I'd wish she'd done it sooner, but been catholics your led to believe at school that's bad, well it wasn't worse than having a dad like that.

I am taking careful note of this post and hurricanewyn's post above. My kids have seen and heard enough already.

I am also the child of an alcoholic parent but that parent was not unpleasant to live with (from my point of view) until I had left home.

I think when it gets right down to it, the only thing stopping me going is the small possibility that he may go into recovery (proper recovery - not the dry drunk syndrome Blackpool Saver was talking about above). Then I would have thrown away the marriage and taken the kids' Daddy from them.

I know it's only a small possibility in the future though, especially on current evidence.

nzmegs

Oh dear, you really sound like you are making excuses for him. he sounds unrepentent despite being in rehab and I doubt very much he will come out and change - unless he comes out and l;ife has been changed for him.

The only way he can see the consequences of his behaviour is for him to feel like he has lost something. If you and the kids are gone when he comes home he will have two choices - fix his life and win you back or drink and ruin his own life, not yours.

You moving ourt doesn't mean the end of the marriage, it is av ery clear sign that you will not out up with his behaviour any longer. if he can't see that then he is beyond hope.

I once lived with someone who was a binge drinker and became very abusive when drunk. he never saw his faults because it was through a haze of drink. Things always seemed better in the morning to him. I lived with the constant fear of opening the dorr in the evening when I got in from work wondering what his mood would be. it is no life to live. easy for me to get out of as a 23 year old, harder for a married woman with children, but you have to think of what this could become.

Gingham_Ribbon

Corvus wrote: »

Thanks to everyone who replied. The big thing stopping me leaving right now is the children. I feel bad about the finality of divorce for them, just in case there is a tiny chance that he can recover. However he is not much of a Dad whether I divorce him or not, so I'm effectively a single parent already. The children can't be left alone with him because of his drinking. They are also frightened of him when he drinks and cannot see why he can't stop.

I do know what I should do.

Yes, you do know what you should do. That's the good news. The next step is doing it, not waiting another few years to let him waste his own life, yours and your children's.