Leave alcoholic partner?

Corvus

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

Yes, you do know what you should do. That's the good news. The next step is doing it, not waiting another few years to let him waste his own life, yours and your children's.

I've always thought you gave good advice on these forums GR... now I might just have to take it.

rose28454

I have been married to an alcoholic for 29 years and seperated for the last 2. If you want to read my story from start to finish look at my posts. I am now living in the family home with my 24 years old daughter and even though I have no money and a large mortgage and a lot of debt I am sitting in my chair on my own thinking how my life has changed in just 2 years.
My 26 year old son has a lot of emotional problems due to his father's drinking and my daughter has a lot of issues too. All I can say is I wish I had done it years ago for all our sakes. Just leave him and let him deal with his drinking and you build a new life for your children.
I used to work evenings in a pub ( while he was out spending what I earnt and making the children lie to me about going out) and my daughter recently told me how she used to lie awake at night until I came home as she did not feel safe alone with her Dad. When she was 19 my sisters took me away on a much needed holiday and he had been sober for about 3 weeks ( that time). She was home from Uni for the holidays and was struggling with her studies. The day I left he immediately went to the pub and got blotto and my daughter had to pick him up from the floor naked and drag him to bed ( she was too embarrased to let her boyfriend help ) and then he did not get up to say goodbye or take her to the airport when she left the next morning. She left Uni soon after, left home 3 months later and developed Anorexia. He then attempted another go at giving up ( for 9 months this time ) and because I was so blind I would not let her come home when she was really ill because I did not want to upset his recovery.
So you see your children are your main concern not him no matter what he says. Good Luck.
If you want to chat please pm me.

Gingham_Ribbon

Corvus wrote: »

I've always thought you gave good advice on these forums GR... now I might just have to take it.

That's your call. Only you can decide what to do, not someone who has never met you. My opinion should be weighed against your own feelings about this.

:beer:

old_motters

In your shoes I would ask the husband to leave. He needs to demonstrate over a period of time his willingness a. to get help and b. maintain a plan to stay sober, before you should even consider taking him back.

You have an obligation to your children to protect them from this and really, you need to feel able to live your life without this kind of stress and anxiety.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

beckseven

my best friend's husband was an alcoholic and I alway dreaded going round to her house-there was a terrible atmosphere of tension-he would be lying on the sofa blind drunk in his boxers and everytime he moved we would jump out of our skin. In the end after a long time of her being a nervous wreck and becoming extremely thin he went to headbutt her when she wouldn't take him to the shop to get more booze and she snapped, called the police and got a restraining order on him. This was years ago and they got divorced and they have both remarried and he is apparently sober but definitely a 'dry drunk'. He still is so bitter against her and he spends his whole life plotting how he will get his revenge on her for leaving him and not 'helping him'. I hope you make the right decision for you and your family.

Pee

You say that it is not long ago since he was a good father to the children.

I think the best plan of action is to ask him to leave with every intention of taking him back should he be able to stop drinking, as it may be the jolt he needs to help him and in my opinion, without knowing him or you, the most likely chance of you ending up together.

If it is a relatively short term problem, is there anything external that may have caused this and if so, could that be addressed by counselling?

My thoughts are with you as it'll be very hard with children to ask him to leave, but possibly even more imporatant that you do so.

Savvy_Sue

Corvus wrote: »

He has actually suggested this!

I hope that he is getting some counselling while he is in rehab. And I think that some joint sessions would be useful: a good counsellor would help each of you see where you were enabling / he is not facing something.

Sometimes, facing up to the 'issues' is more difficult than giving up the addiction, IMO.

Corvus wrote: »

Thanks to everyone who replied. The big thing stopping me leaving right now is the children. I feel bad about the finality of divorce for them, just in case there is a tiny chance that he can recover. However he is not much of a Dad whether I divorce him or not, so I'm effectively a single parent already. The children can't be left alone with him because of his drinking. They are also frightened of him when he drinks and cannot see why he can't stop.

I do know what I should do. It's just that I know people who have recovered (sorry, are in recovery). They are probably in a tiny minority though, out of all the addicts there are.

It's not just celebs who divorce and remarry. Yes, it's final, but IF he changes, you CAN remarry. There's also the separation scenario - you leave open the possibility of reconciliation, but end the immediate problems. Yes, you get different ones, but at least they are problems which YOU can deal with, whereas his drinking is NOT one you can deal with.

Personally, I wouldn't want him home post-rehab without him demonstrating that he can live sober and reasonable without me. Especially if you're the one (allegedly) driviing him to drink ...

Corvus wrote: »

The other thing stopping me is the good memories... but in reality there are not many and they are from a long time ago.

Again, divorcing him or going for a separation does not mean there will never be good memories again. Far better not to risk having another shedload of bad memories intervening, again IMO.

Corvus wrote: »

I think when it gets right down to it, the only thing stopping me going is the small possibility that he may go into recovery (proper recovery - not the dry drunk syndrome Blackpool Saver was talking about above). Then I would have thrown away the marriage and taken the kids' Daddy from them.

He really has screwed with your mind, hasn't he?

It takes TWO people to make a marriage. And in your marriage, there is only one person you can change - you. He can't change you (much as he thinks he wants to), and you can't change him. Almost certainly, you both need to change - who doesn't? - but if you divorce it's not all your responsibility.

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

That's your call. Only you can decide what to do, not someone who has never met you. My opinion should be weighed against your own feelings about this.

:beer:

I don't usually disagree with GR, BUT on this occasion I'd say stuff your feelings, and use your brain to weigh what you KNOW to be true against her opinion. And mine, and every other poster on this thread, of course.

You KNOW that atm he's not a good dad, and that they're afraid of him. You KNOW that he's not yet in recovery if he still thinks living with you plays any part in his drinking. You KNOW he might change, but so far he hasn't, not significantly. What else do you KNOW? Make a list! There will be things you DON'T know, of course, but that will form the basis of a new list, things you need to find out - what your financial situation would be, etc.

Pee wrote: »

You say that it is not long ago since he was a good father to the children.

I think the best plan of action is to ask him to leave with every intention of taking him back should he be able to stop drinking, as it may be the jolt he needs to help him and in my opinion, without knowing him or you, the most likely chance of you ending up together.

If it is a relatively short term problem, is there anything external that may have caused this and if so, could that be addressed by counselling?

My thoughts are with you as it'll be very hard with children to ask him to leave, but possibly even more imporatant that you do so.

That bit of Pee's which I highlighted makes a lot of sense to me. Personally, I wouldn't want him home post-treatment without him demonstrating that he can live sober and reasonable without me. Especially if you're the one (allegedly) driviing him to drink ...

You said he's in treatment atm - do they talk to you about how he's getting on and what progress he's making?

newcook

I would also say that if you are doing a joint counseling session that you are completely honest about how he makes you feel and what its doing to the family – don’t be worried that if what you say upsets him or knocks him off the wagon because if you aren’t honest it will gnaw away at you and will either get to breaking point and let rip at him or end up completely resenting him.

Corvus

I really appreciate all the considered replies I've had on this thread.

I think I'm moving towards separation. Financially it will be difficult and we will have to sell our lovely house (we're not talking lavishly decorated mansion here, but it's nice with a good size garden for the kids!) unless he starts earning some money again. I can't manage it on my wage and childcare costs. But I will look on the forums for financial advice.

Corvus

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

You said he's in treatment atm - do they talk to you about how he's getting on and what progress he's making?

No, they say they are not allowed to because of client confidentiality.