Leave alcoholic partner?

RAS

Corvus wrote: »

I really appreciate all the considered replies I've had on this thread.

I think I'm moving towards separation. Financially it will be difficult and we will have to sell our lovely house (we're not talking lavishly decorated mansion here, but it's nice with a good size garden for the kids!) unless he starts earning some money again. I can't manage it on my wage and childcare costs. But I will look on the forums for financial advice.

have you checked www.entitledto.com? and checked whether you can get support with the mortgage if he leaves?

Savvy_Sue

Corvus wrote: »

I really appreciate all the considered replies I've had on this thread.

I think I'm moving towards separation. Financially it will be difficult and we will have to sell our lovely house (we're not talking lavishly decorated mansion here, but it's nice with a good size garden for the kids!) unless he starts earning some money again. I can't manage it on my wage and childcare costs. But I will look on the forums for financial advice.

I presume that if he's not earning atm, that's not something which is going to change any time soon, so considering a move makes sense either way, IMO.

Corvus wrote: »

No, they say they are not allowed to because of client confidentiality.

That's a shame. Although not surprising ... Can they facilitate joint counselling while he's in?

Corvus

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

... Can they facilitate joint counselling while he's in?

No - I enquired. They recommend Al-Anon, which I go to. They also recommend reading up about addiction, which I've also done, and continue to do. That in itself has been very helpful, although frustrating as well, because I can see the amount of denial he's in.

Lotus-eater

If he's in denial still, even after rehab, then you have to leave and get yourself sorted.
You can give him a chance to get sorted by himself.

It's not often I will advise anyone to leave, but I think it may be best in these circumstances.
But what I don't really understand, is why you are not giving him a chance when he comes out? Or has he already come out?
Why do you want to split now, when he could be clear of drink?

gratefulforhelp_2

Corvus wrote: »

He said anyone would drink if they had to live with me.

Unless said in the heat of a row when you said equally hurtful things, and first, this is pretty diabolical.

Sadly, you will not be able to leave him completely, as you will have to deal with him over the children

Think about whether if you leave, he will make all your lives worse possibly causing trouble over contact with the children, than living with you. I don't think being an alcoholic is legal reason to deny contact?

Savvy_Sue

Corvus wrote: »

No - I enquired. They recommend Al-Anon, which I go to. They also recommend reading up about addiction, which I've also done, and continue to do. That in itself has been very helpful, although frustrating as well, because I can see the amount of denial he's in.

I hope they can see that too at the rehab. But yes, that must all be very frustrating.

Lotus-eater wrote: »

If he's in denial still, even after rehab, then you have to leave and get yourself sorted.
You can give him a chance to get sorted by himself.

It's not often I will advise anyone to leave, but I think it may be best in these circumstances.

I agree.

Lotus-eater wrote: »

But what I don't really understand, is why you are not giving him a chance when he comes out? Or has he already come out?
Why do you want to split now, when he could be clear of drink?

I thin, from what Corvus said originally, he's in rehab for the second time, and didn't stay clean very long after he got out the first time.

In that situation, I would say that it's important for someone to be sober / clean FOR THEIR OWN SAKE, and not just because they will lose their family if they can't stay sober / clean.

IMO, if you can't do it on your own (with appropriate support services), you can't do it with anyone else. You have to make your own choices, day after day after day, for yourself, and not just to please someone else.

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Unless said in the heat of a row when you said equally hurtful things, and first, this is pretty diabolical.

Sadly, you will not be able to leave him completely, as you will have to deal with him over the children

Think about whether if you leave, he will make all your lives worse possibly causing trouble over contact with the children, than living with you. I don't think being an alcoholic is legal reason to deny contact?

At least the contact can be managed. If the alcoholic turns up drunk, contact doesn't happen. If the alcoholic doesn't turn up, contact doesn't happen. I personally don't think it's helpful to give too much thought to whether things will be worse because 'he might cause trouble' - because a) he might not and b) if he does, there are remedies. If he threatens violence or harrasses the OP, then there are restraining orders etc.

No, the more I think about it, the more I feel that the OP has to make a decision based on what is best for HER AND THE CHILDREN. Her husband can then make his own choices - to believe that she did it to spite him, to thwart his recovery etc, or to believe that she put the children's interests first and to respond accordingly.

Lotus-eater

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

In that situation, I would say that it's important for someone to be sober / clean FOR THEIR OWN SAKE, and not just because they will lose their family if they can't stay sober / clean.

Yes but the incentive of losing your family, can <sometimes> make the difference between being successful and failing.

If she doesn't like the way the guy is sober, or if he drinks again, then fine. But what it seems to me a bit, is this.
He goes into rehab, comes out not drinking, she splits the family up.
If she'd done it if he wouldn't go into rehab, or if he has no intention of stopping........ but for all we know, he has stopped.

gratefulforhelp_2

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

.

At least the contact can be managed. If the alcoholic turns up drunk, contact doesn't happen. If the alcoholic doesn't turn up, contact doesn't happen. I personally don't think it's helpful to give too much thought to whether things will be worse because 'he might cause trouble' - because a) he might not and b) if he does, there are remedies. If he threatens violence or harrasses the OP, then there are restraining orders etc.

But it needs to be thought about, because if one ended up in court over contact, who judges that he was drunk, where's the proof, and are those remedies effective? OP I'm not suggesting you are mistaken in his alcoholism for a minute, or that you shouldn't leave if that's what you decide, but think about all the possibles.

old_motters

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Yes but the incentive of losing your family, can <sometimes> make the difference between being successful and failing.

If she doesn't like the way the guy is sober, or if he drinks again, then fine. But what it seems to me a bit, is this.
He goes into rehab, comes out not drinking, she splits the family up.
If she'd done it if he wouldn't go into rehab, or if he has no intention of stopping........ but for all we know, he has stopped.

Quite a risk to take when there's kids involved though.

Corvus

Just to clarify - he went into rehab, he came out, he drank just two weeks later (definitely - breath-tested by police to confirm) then as a result of that he then went back into rehab, where he still is.