Would you go out with someone with depression?

pusscat

Many years ago I started dating and then ended up living with someone who was a manic depressive (and also suffered from some other serious mental health issues). He had suffered many episodes in the past but did not bother to tell me any of this.

His first episode with me was after we had been living together 9 months or so - thinking it was all new to him too, I stuck by him and helped him through it as we were a dedicated couple. He pretended that it was his first episode.

Eventually after several yars of going to hell and back (several times a week in some cases!) it came out that this was an ongoing problem that he had suffered for most of his life, he had lied to me about lots and lots of things (including the depression). He came clean (under pressure) and asked for me to give him another chance.

I walked away and have never seen him since - in my mind our relationship was built on lies and untruths and at that point I no longer felt as though I needed to stick by him. I had been conned into taking on the responsibility of a mentally unstable partner without being given any choice in the matter at all - my responsibility for him stopped there and then.

If you start your relationship off based on a lie then you always have to lie more and more to keep things going as the relationship builds into something more serious - you start off not mentioning the depression, so you then have to come up with an excuse (for instance) as to why you are signed off work, why you can't drink, why you can't drive, why you take a pill every morning, why you can't stay away overnight, why you visit a counsellor (or an excuse as to where you go to on a Wednesday night...). Once you have not been upfront at the beginning, it becomes harder and harder to just drop "oh by the way, I am depressed" into the conversation......

If he had been upfront from the early days then I may, or may not have had a relationship with him - if it was just some mild depression then maybe I would, but I was not given the information to allow me to choose so I felt cheated.

So I would suggest that raising the issue of your depression on a first few dates is probably not the way to go, but that if you decide to get into anything more serious with a long term, full time relationship with this person in mind then you have to be up front about your depression. He may or may not want to take on the responsibility, but at least you have given him the choice and the chance to decide for himself.

If you are not upfront then there is a very real difficulty that he may feel he has been "duped" into getting involved with you on the basis of untruths and that does not bode well for a long term, comitted relationship.

Hope that helps a bit - personally in your situation I would be upfront and say that you have recently been diagnosed and that you are feeling better with every day that passes - especially when you are around him!

Puss
xx

beverleyhills

Take things slowly and work on developing friendship before anything more serious.

busiscoming2

Personally I wouldn't, but if my oh was diagnosed Iwouldn't run away!
My best friend suffers with depression and to be quite honest it can be a pain in the behind. I am sympathetic and supportive and maybe she is quite selfish at heart, but a lot of our conversations revolve around her and how she 'feels'. Even when I change the subject it comes back to her.

DKLS

I suppose it would depend on the person and the severity of the depression, If she was 'worried well' or mild to moderate depression I probably would, if it was more serious or long term I don't think I would.

Make-it-3

Generally I'm in agreement with the concept of putting on your "best self" at the start of a relationship and then letting more of the "true self" show as the relationship develops as this is a natural.

However, depression is a big part of the OP's life at the moment, you can avoid saying you take medication but being signed off work means a huge lifestyle difference. It's bound to come up in conversation in some way, and then you get into a scenario where you have to lie about it.

If I was in the other person's shoes it would be the lying to cover up the depression that would be my main concern.

I think either keep this person as a casual friend for a good while, or if you believe they are special then tell all now, but put the emphasis on the fact that this is something YOU are dealing with, that you want to be open with, and that you don't want it to spoil what you have together.

If this person is right for you, it will work out either way, and could be the whole new turning point in your life

talulahbeige_2

both myself and my OH are long term depressives if thats what you want to call it When we met we were both well, when I found out he also had depression i had to think seriously if he was the right one for me.

My personal opinion is that you're in the early stages, you sound as though you've only just come to terms with it. I would avoid a serious relationship at this point as you will have more bad days (anti depressants aren't a magic pill) and the medication may cause you unpleasant side effects that you also have to deal with.
If he is the right one he will still be in yuor life when you are ready.

Leona1295

I think honesty is the best policy. You don't need to go into details or tell him you are on medication or anything, just give him a heads up.

My own experience - my boyfriend suffers from depression and we have been together for 5 years. When we first started dating we had been friends for a couple of years but I had no idea he was depressed. For the first year his behaviour was erratic and he would often not turn up at my house whe he was supposed to come over and not respond to phone calls or text messages. In the end I found out he was depressed because he went missing for 2 days and his mum phoned me to tell me she was calling hospitals to find him. (this has happened on 2 other occasions since then as well). It was the scariest experience of my life and as I was only 17 at the time I didn't really know how to deal with it.

I think honesty is the best policy, If I had known what he was going through it wouldn't have scared me away, it would have helped me support him. Only you can decide if you are ready to start dating and if you are you must make sure that the other person is ready to take that step with somone who is depressed.

smartpicture

I started going out with someone, and after a month or so he told me he had been to the doctors, been diagnosed with depression, and had handed in his notice at work. It wasn't the 'depression' label that caused a problem as such, as I wanted to be supportive, but fairly soon everything in our relationship revolved around the depression, and that's why it ended. It sounds like you're managing to make sure that you still have fun and can talk about things other than the depression and take an active part in the relationship, so it's not the same.

I wouldn't advise hiding it from him much longer though, as that will become a problem in itself.

Gingham_Ribbon

It depends on how their behaviour towards me was affected. DH and I have both had periods of depression that we've supported each other through and it's been good to have each other. I remember an ex who had mental health problems though and he was very difficult to be around because he was make unreasonable demands of me and blame me for his bad moods. Unacceptable regardless of the reasons.

ali-t

Errata wrote: »

Be open minded and don't take his POV personally. It's quite possible that some people do become depressed because they can't have the life they want - houses, cars etc.

I would argue that it isn't due to the things they want but don't have but is more linked to the feelings that go with that e.g. inadequacy, inferiority, self blame and shame etc. These emotions can lead to people feeling low, helpless etc