help; what should i do?

Lotus-eater

NOTSUREWHATTODO wrote: »

on a realted note tho, i bought myself a litle vespa at the end of last year which i will be hooning around on all summer. its a 200 so i can have passengers which will keep me entertianed once the weather finally breaks.

Lovely, good idea, if you end up splitting up with this one, you can have fun taking a new beautiful wonderful girl (or boy/cat whatever takes your fancy) out this summer.

Bit of a hair-drier though .....sorry.

:rotfl:

NOTSUREWHATTODO_3

nzmegs wrote: »

Nobody seems to have mentioned this yet. But if your relationship is over you need to comsider what will happen about the house. Can you afford it on your own. She will need to be paid out for her half. I know it might seem like early days, and it is. But don't be surprised when these issues start to come up. perhaps start to do some investigation to see where you stand.

Some time apart may be all you need - but I beleive your girlfriend is ready to move on. To move to her mum's is a pretty clear indication. You don't have children and are not married. It is simply a relationship which is coming to an end.
It is not nromal not to have sex regularly in any relationship and I think this is a good sign that you aren't exactly made for each other.
You will be fine and from the sounds of it you are a lovely guy and will find someone new. Given time you may find that you can find frendship with your girlfriend and her family. These things do happen. But some time apart to begin would be the best way forward for now.

Thanks nzmegs. i know its not normal for us not to have sex regularly. thats why if we stay together i want us to get some therapy. this has been bothering me for a long time and definatly needs to change, bit it will take time, patience and live to rekindle a healthy sexlife.

i havent really thought about the flat yet and what would happen if we split. i will worry about that if and when the time comes and are very glad i can count on MSE and you guys to help me through it.

thanks

A.

NOTSUREWHATTODO_3

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Lovely, good idea, if you end up splitting up with this one, you can have fun taking a new beautiful wonderful girl (or boy/cat whatever takes your fancy) out this summer.

Bit of a hair-drier though .....sorry.

:rotfl:

lol. cheers. definatly a girl tho cheers! i know its a bit of a hairdryer, but its a hairdryer that looks cool (instead of like a plastic toy) and does 85mph. im sure i will have fun on it tho!

A.

NOTSUREWHATTODO_3

hi everyone,

i got home from work earlier, we sat down and had dinner, then hugged for ages, then kissed, then cried, then hugged some more. she didnt want to leave, but we agreed that she has gotta have some time alone to try to work out what she wants.

its so hard on us both, but i need to know the same as she does. its horrible having this rumbling pit in your stomach all the time (we both have it) but we need to sort out exactly how we both feel about our relationship. we are broken and need to cut or repair.

if we do get back together (we havent actually split up, just having a break) then we have agreed that we will have relationship advise from relate and therpay about our sex lives and communication. i even think if we dont stay together then i will go on my own. i need to work on my communication and make sure that i am okay and arent carrying problematic baggage with me into the next relationship when it comes along.

i just want everything to be okay again. doesnt work that way tho. as many on here have stated, time is a healer and maybie that what we need.

thanks for all your replies guys. they are really appreciated. i told her about what i have said on here too. said about the positivei nfo some of you are giving me, and also some of the negative. please keep it coming tho. i will keep you all posted

A.

RedBern

Sorry to hear what's going on - must be difficult times for you. As has already been said, give her as much time as she wants, but also give yourself time to decide whether this is what you want. Think very carefully about whether your girlfriend can meet those needs and aspirations, she may not want the same as you. It may be that you've both become complacent about your relationships, which happens to the best of us!, but take some time now to put yourself first and get your own head straight.

If, as others have said, she comes back, great, but if not, you'll be part of the way towards moving on with your life and looking after yourself.

If you both decide to make a go of things, why not do it as boyfriend/girlfriend for a while - and not living together? Go out on dates - and make them fun - but remember you don't have to get drunk to enjoy yourself! Good luck, and I hope you get the result you are happy with - don't settle for second best - we all deserve to be number 1 in someone's life.

londoner1998

RedBern wrote: »

If you both decide to make a go of things, why not do it as boyfriend/girlfriend for a while - and not living together? Go out on dates - and make them fun - but remember you don't have to get drunk to enjoy yourself! QUOTE]

Hello again-I second the above advice- One thing I had to come to teram with when I was in trouble was that relationship don't necessarily fit within the estlished model of 'living together/house/god/marriage/babies'. You obviously both need to spend some time apart and give room for a bit of oxygen by developing hobbies and activities you can do together and apart. But does it have to be all or nothing? Can it be a bit of both? Can you live separately and date? Can you live together but give more room to each other and not be joined at the hip all the time? I think you are on the right track and it seems to me she doesn't want to leave. But it is iportant you have time independently to miss eac other and think about what you want and needs out of the relationship- I woudl encourage you to go to therapy anyway, just for yourslef and use this time as a huge window of opportunity to move a step ahead- look inside, get in tune with your own self and step away from the 'we' to look at the 'I' for a bit.
I am more inclined to see this as another stage rather than the be and end of all. I have to disagree with those who think that not being interested in sex means lack of love- I have been there and loving my man more than anything else- but tiredness and a touch of depression meant I didnt have energy left to put into sex. Sorting myself out through therapy and a lot of soul searching, as well as the end of winter has given room to a new me, with a healthy sex drive. If he hadnt been there , insisting that he wanted to be with me, no matter what we wouldn't be together now.

It is a stage and sex is important but not a deal breaker at this stage, I don't think so.
NOTSUREWHATTODO, please try not to see things in black and white- be prepared to be flexible and consider the many ways in which you can sustain a relationship- having the perfect house, dog and two children is not everyones recipe for happiness- perhaps you need a more relaxed approach than that-no relationship is perfect all the time.

Good luck, I think you are a mature and sweet guy

NOTSUREWHATTODO_3

hi everyone,

just a quick update for all of you who have helped me.

i had a long phone chat with the missus last night about us, and she wants to come home. we had a real heart to heart (as much as you can when on the phone) and we have some deep seated internal issues that we need to sort out. we both have low self esteem and confidence, which in turn affects us both dynamically in everything we do.

she says that my lack of being dominant and letting her get away with everything (i hate arguing and have shyed away from it because im afraid that the phrase "i dont want to be with you anymore" was coming), is a real turn off, and i dont say how goregous she is like i used to. i have said that her lack of intimacy, total obsession that she is fat despite my constant reasurance (she is a size 8-10!) and overall outlook of gloom is hurting me too. all the fun is gone from our relationship and we need to take life far less seriously.

we need to get back our fun element of our personalities like we used to have. we are both still well in our twenties and have very few responsibilites so can still enjoy doing what the hell we like within reason. we need to spend some time doing things with our freinds, both together and apart, as i hardly ever see my mates anymore and when i do the first thing thay say is "has she let you out from under her thumb?". this isnt the case of how it has been because im not, i just didnt want to go out very much after what happend nearly two years back in that club.

she says she has totally forgiven me for it, and that i need to forgive myself. this is going to be hard, but i think in stripping away my alchohol problem, i stripped away my fun part, because when i had a drink i was relaxed and could be a real laugh. this is gonna be hard. can anyone help sufggest some fun stuff to do as ive got loads planed, but any more ideas always helps?

as i said, we both have confidence and negative self images that we need to sort out. i think hers is probably worse as its been a part of her for so many years that she cant remeber what its like to be totally happy anymore.

i have instisted that we go to relate to sort ourselves out, either individually or as a couple depending on what they say. she has agreed to this but doesnt want to go (neither do i but its going to happen or we will only find ourselves back here again), so ive got to book an appointment now. pretty nerve wracking.

i spoke to her dad yesterday by text, when he text me to ask am i okay. its really hard cos my missus mum is really upset, and her brother is pretty angry at her. it was really reasurring to hear from them as i feel like part of their family and to know they are here for me really helped.

i went down the gym with her little brother yesterday (we have been gym buddies for 4 years or so) and had a good chat too. he was so shocked as he has always seen us as a great couple. it was nice to hear some reasurring words from him tho, and he put the situation into perspective a little too.

im just so glad that my missus wants to come home tho. she says she loves me, and i know she does. i love her too. im just a little nervous about the next stage as i dont want to go to therapy but i dont want to loose the best thing ive ever known.

does anyone know how much relate costs? we arent exactly a high earning couple anymore (im on about £24k and she has her bursary of about £4500 a year to live on), so need to budget for it.

i might go and see my mum tonight and let her know what has been going on. she will be upset but its not right that i havnt said anything to her. not looking forward to it but i need to do it.

i will keep updating this post as new stuff happens as it has been increadibly useful for me. well us actually beacuse my missus read the thread too!

thanks you everyone who has replied on here. its nice to know there are some nice people left in the world who genuinly want to help a stanger in need! bless you all.

A.

Lotus-eater

NOTSUREWHATTODO wrote: »

can anyone help sufggest some fun stuff to do as ive got loads planed, but any more ideas always helps?.

Dogging's quite popular atm I understand

NOTSUREWHATTODO wrote: »

as i said, we both have confidence and negative self images that we need to sort out. i think hers is probably worse as its been a part of her for so many years that she cant remeber what its like to be totally happy anymore. .

I would very seriously think about telling the doctor and seeing if you can talk to someone about this, you both deserve to be happier than you are.

NOTSUREWHATTODO wrote: »

thanks you everyone who has replied on here. its nice to know there are some nice people left in the world who genuinly want to help a stanger in need! bless you all.

You are such a cutie pie!

<deep voice> ahem, in a bloke to bloke way you understand?

Apricot

http://www.relate.org.uk/faqs/f-213/index.html It doesn't specifically outline costs but you could give your local centre a ring to find out.

I hope it works out of you both OP x

gingin_2

That is fantastic! Well done both of you.

Relate I believe is a recommended charge of £40 an hour (last time I heard, it might well have changed) but that is a recommendation. If you can't afford it, you don't pay it, or you pay a sum that you can afford.... I think.

Now don't let GF read the next part.......

















Can you not surprise her, do something really spontaneous. A memorable treat... A night or weekend away, a picnic, a special gift. If you could afford it, I would say go somewhere totally different. I'm dropping numerous hints for OH to take me to Barcelona, or maybe you could try Paris, Amsterdam. They are all fun, exciting vibrant places for 20-somethings.

I'm really happy for you. Try not to over-analyse things, just go with the flow, try relate and be a little more assertive.